hangzhou bound

You're off to Hangzhou, you're off to Hangzhou! Is this the view you're going to see? I asked myself, as I searched up images of the place... just to have a peek at the kind of views your eyes will be immersed in.

At this point, after weeks of general busyness, you're probably drunk with tiredness. The whole debacle with Kundasang + Miri must have drove you to the wall. Don't worry too much about it -- if it happens, it happens. I'm thinking day trips in general would be a better idea. Anyway, we'll discuss it when I get back. I think, once we're together, with all this physical distance finally closed in... it might be easier to organise something.

Holidays can sometimes turn out to not feel like holidays at all, amidst busyness especially (I think we've both experienced this), but I hope that these few days will be the opposite for you. Enjoy the time away with your two boys! Try the local food. Go to the night markets. Maybe even have the local McD breakfast! I know your plans aren't solid solid, and contrary to popular belief, I think that's actually a really good thing! Thinking back to our Vietnam trip... it was the unplanned stuff during our time there that stuck out the most in my memory... I wouldn't be surprised if that's the same for you, come Hangzhou.

Wishing you all safe travels; can't wait to see your beautiful faces in a week's time!

self-love / hate

Sometime ago, while I was trying to productively procrastinate (if there was such a thing), I set myself to make lists. The first task was to list down all the things that I love about myself. I found that, after a minute or so, I couldn't think of anything... I stopped writing. I moved on the next list, and that was things I'd like to change about myself/my life.

And wow. I just kept writing, and writing. After I was finally finished, I sat back and looked at the two lists. The 'changes' list was much, much, much longer than the 'love' list. Looking at the disproportionate contrast in their length, I was never more aware of how dissatisfied I was with myself. Was I being ungrateful? Was I being discontent? Was I just an overall negative person? I didn't think so, but these two lists certainly said otherwise.

Since then, I've tried to practise more self-love on the daily. Sure, there are changes we'd all like to implement into our lives, and there are just stuff lying about us (and our lives) that we just want to change. right. now. But constantly desiring that won't make our lives any better. Instead, we should really love ourselves more, be okay with our lives the way it is (doesn't mean it's immune to change)... just like Bruno Mars had put it simply, just the way we are.

thursday quote

How true that is. If only we took the time and patience to truly understand where the other person is coming from, instead of where we are coming from.

gratitude

10 things I'm grateful for in the last week

1. Having jobs to go to
2. Punctual and reliable public transport
3. Roger, who has been helping us out with fixing our car
4. Outside food that tastes like homemade food!
5. Being free of exams (will never stop being grateful for this one)
6. Have family to buy gifts for
7. A mum who wants to get you a gift on her birthday (can we just pause for a second here and discuss how ridiculous this is?)
8. People to look up to
9. Time
10. Having the pleasure to write to you, Sunny.

love life

Let you in on something amusing... lately, Mum has been ever interested in my love life. I told her I was meeting up with Rach the other day, and she's all, "are you sure it's with Rachael?" Continued to probe me with questions, saying, "I know you won't lie to me straight to my face, I just gotta ask the right questions. You might just leave some truths out just as to not cause trouble". Papa and her are convinced that I'm going out with Marcel, a friend from Indo, but I already told them we don't click that way.

We've been emailing each other, of course, at the end of her last email, she wrote a little ditty about talking to her about it. Things like that, it makes me relieved that I honestly have nothing to hide. Told her that I'm not looking for anyone, really just want to focus on myself during this time. Whether she buys it or not, that's her choice, but it's my truth.

language learning

Due to certain class allocations, I can only pick up German 4 (the level that I'm up to) at uni in the second half of the year. So, far the first half of the year... I'm hoping to keep my German going by taking online tuition via Skype with a teacher, so I don't lose the language. Adding to that, I'd also like to take up another language. Is that too much of me, wanting to learn two languages simultaneously? I just realised, recently, that I need a new hobby and language learning would be a fun (and productive) one.

I thought of you, instantly. Yes, you. The one who's practically a genius in languages... what's that - Malay, Chinese (not to mention the dialects!) and English. Man! I've always admired how you learned how to read and write Chinese all by yourself - it's really awesome.

So... any tips for a new language learner? Can you guess what language I want to learn? ;)

change / looking back

I don't think we realise how much we change over one year. But we all change, somehow, within these 365 days. After all, we didn't become the person we are today overnight... change happened over each year of our lives, in clusters of 365 days. It's getting to that time of the year again (the end), and with my reflective tendencies kicking in, I've started thinking about how I've changed over the last year.

One thing comes to mind, and that's practicality.

I've become a lot more practical towards the second half of the year... dressing for the weather, eating homemade lunches instead of out (practical both money and health wise), taking care of my skin and relishing every single minute of my time. It's these little changes, which makes me feel a lot better about the year ahead... because I feel as though I'm armed with more maturity in terms of taking care of both my body and mind. On the daily, I'm now making better decisions for myself, knowing the consequences to actions (e.g. sleeping late is not going to do me any favours the next day), and acting accordingly (e.g. sleeping early).

It's nice to look back, and see this growth. A few months back, I had written a note to myself titled 'CHANGE' - a list of things I'd like to change about myself (for the better). I stumbled upon that note by accident yesterday, and it was so wonderful to be able to cross off three of those things... because I have done something about them, thus they no longer exist.

What are some things which changed within you this year?

favourite music

crying palms by leehom. I can’t make much of the lyrics of the song, actually, just bits here and there… but that’s enough to make me really feel for this song. I love that it’s a song that’s simply trying to say something, without trying to be anything at all. Leehom’s voice is so emotive in this one.

darling by MAX. It’s a simple song again, this one. I don’t think much of it as I listen to it… the lyrics are just background noise… but somehow it makes me just feel and it’s nice when music can move you like that.

bang bang by jayesslee. It's not the song that I love per se, but this cover is just precious. It’s a really short one, since they couldn’t manage to get past the chorus without their newborn babies crying haha. I’ve followed their channel for a while, and it’s awesome to see these two grow into such beautiful ladies, now mothers. Was listening to one of their other covers the other day, Your Love is Everything by Jesus Culture. It was wonderful, and really lifted my day.

hiding the inner / feeling defensive

“Got my head spinnin’… no kiddin’… I can’t pin you down…” — All Of Me, John Legend

I’ve talked about this on the blog a few times… but I keep coming back to it for some reason. Hiding the inner thoughts. It’s wrong, but lately, I’ve been feeling the need to do it with family… specifically with Papa and Mummy. I’ve been thinking about how to hide my inner thoughts + feelings, without seeming cold… and settled that the only way to do it was to treat them as though they were strangers. Treat them with the sort of niceness that I would to strangers. Wouldn’t that make things easier?

I realised that that would make me somewhat fake, especially to my own parents… but lately, I feel like it’s the only way. It’s almost like… I don’t want to give them anything to pin me down on. It’s so darn defensive, I’m almost afraid of these thoughts. But believe it or not… I’m going to try and give this a go this week.

hey you

How are you doing? How has your week been? It’s the middle of the week again!

I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re having a wonderful Wednesday so far. Not long to go before we meet now! I hope you’ve been preparing yourself to see my face… ;) I know I’ve been prepping my heart to see all your beautiful faces and be in the midst of your company.

It hasn’t been that long since we’ve seen each other last… but what I’m really looking forward to this time, is to really live with you all. Overstaying my stay kind of way, you know. To just go about the everyday life, and pretend for one and a half months that it’s just like the old days and I’m no longer a house guest, but really part of Lavender, and your lives too.

on blogging

I met up with Rachael today, and it was pretty wonderful. The girl always just makes me comfortable for being me, and I never feel like I have to be anything more. Catching up with friends, these days, I have to admit… does tire me out. It seems, I’m more used to being on my own nowadays, that any company besides my own actually physically wears me down. I feel odd writing that… being only 19, but it’s the truth, you know.

Blogging. It’s a funny thing. I’ve been thinking about it recently. Though I’ve started planning for a new blog (she has a name, and a few category names in store yay!), I’ve still felt quite unsure about it. Leaving Facebook and Instagram… it’s been so nice to live the real life without having the feeling of having to document it at all. Was I ready for a blog? For a girl who has blogged since she was twelve, these feelings were out of the place.

Somehow… today, when Rachael suddenly brought up my blog at the end of our catch-up (I was pleasantly shocked), it was like an answer to all the doubts that I had in the past few weeks. Rachael, of all people, would be the last person I thought would read my blog. But she did. I felt touched in all the right ways, and knew right there and then… that there was a reason blogging has been on my mind for the last few weeks. And it’s time I do something about it. (Stay tuned.)

intentions

2015. You know, that hardly meant a thing to me.

I’m not sure if it’s something that has been ingrained in me from a young age… but I used to welcome a new year with such an open embrace, you’d think that I was trying to fit an entire city in my arms. Resolution time! and off I went making a list of things I’d like to achieve that year. When I was really feeling it, I would even subcategorise them. Oh yeah, I was that crazy.

Since a few years ago, I’ve toned it down a notch. Or a thousand notches. And I’m starting to think… maybe I’ve toned it down too much. What happened to having hopes and dreams, and actually achieving them? What happened to wanting to attain the unattainable? I miss the way too optimistic Michelle, who believed everything she penned down would come to fruit.

So recently, realising that the coming new year didn’t even excite me one bit, I knew I had to make a few changes around here. And so I did. Started waking up earlier, exercising a bit more in the morning, eating homemade lunches. And little by little, I started feeling good about the future again. I saw that efforts do bring fruit, and so this coming year, I’m making a few more changes (small and big)... but I guess the main thing is just having intention and living each day a little more deliberately.

Any plans for 2015?

creatures of habit

A few of my habits recently: listen to Leehom when I need some music to soothe the soul, reading a book on the train, grabbing soft serve from McD if I’m a little hungry but don’t feel like grabbing a meal.

What are some of your habits?

Habits are a funny thing, because they used to be foreign to us — something we did for the first time, then the second time, then the third… and slowly it became something that we wouldn’t even question. Why Leehom… and not someone else? Why a book… and not my phone? Why a soft serve… and not a sundae? Though these habits are harmless, it’s good to question them every now and then… to pick the bad ones from the good ones. But bad habits… oh, that’s a topic for another day.

anti-social

I’m doing this thing, recently, where I ignore people that I know passing by. Wow, even as I write that, it looks horrible. But hear me out. It’s not like they’re the closest of my friends… I had maybe gone to camp with them for a few days, or they were a high school friend from years and years ago… but we could be waiting in line for coffee, pass by each other in the toilet, wait at the lights together… and I would just pretend like I don’t know them. (They don’t recognise me either, or maybe they’re doing the same thing.)

I like to think that I’m doing it because I’m just too tired to say hi, and be all courteous and happy and nice. I know that I’m not a kermit, and that I can be a great conversation-maker if I wanted to… but these days, I just don’t feel like it. It’s an odd feeling, but yet, it’s so familiar to me, because it’s just like what I would do. Am I being anti-social? Or am I just being me, and is that justified just by itself? Some days, I’m not sure.

only

one of my favourites recently. I do love his live performances so much more... finding that, his songs have so much more meaning as he gets older, somehow.

a book that changed my life

I read a book recently, called Please Look After Our Mother. It was written by a Korean, translated into English… which was what drawn me to in the first place. By drawn, I mean - I literally googled ‘best korean literature translated to english'. I liked watching Korean dramas every now and then, but the repeated, clichéd storylines couldn’t satisfy me. Still, their culture somewhat intrigued me, and they had a way of telling stories — even if they were indeed clichéd. So I thought, why not books?

And this book… this book changed my life. It’s a story about a mother who went missing… and the novel is essentially recounts by the children and her husband, who realised that they had taken her for granted all these years. Through their recounts, you realise, as the reader, how much she had sacrificed for her children, so much so that she slowly, but surely, became empty inside. It broke my heart, reading it, not only for the characters, not only for the mother… but because it felt so real.

We all know someone who’s like Mother… certainly, parts of it reminded me of Popo. Someone who is sacrificial, kind, giving, forgiving, puts others before her. I felt sad for the Mother, but also for the children. The fact that I, myself, could identify with the children. How quick have I been to rebuke something Mummy said, or to shake off what Popo advised, or to raise my voice when I was frustrated. The amount of times I had just listened to someone trying to get a point across, in the one ear and out the other. Is it so hard to just do as they ask, even if you think it’s trivial?


I knew I was not horrible to my family… but I also knew I could be so much better. I shouldn’t have to wait till one of them to go missing to be plagued with guilt, realising the many times I’ve wronged them and should have been better. We can be so horrible to the ones we love — they are the ones we hurt the most — perhaps it’s time to stop. Perhaps it’s time I stop.

catching up

Hi there, how are you doing today?

It is sunny outside today, and I’m yet again reminded of you.

How are you doing these days? I’m happy to hear that you have something new coming into your life, something that you have to hush hush about for now. I don’t know why, or how, since I don’t even know what it is… but I felt kind of excited for you when I read it. My heart leaped a little.

I’m doing good these days. I’ve learned to take control of my own life, recently. If something was making me unhappy, I would find a way to resolve it. It could be to actually solve it head-on, or to avoid it. I used to view the latter as a sign of weakness, thinking that ignoring and avoiding was just plain weak. Of course, this didn’t stop me doing it back then. But these days, I see it differently. If it’s going to give me jitters and make me unhappy, I can take myself out of the situation.

What might happen is not within my control… but I can pull myself out of the situation if I want to. Last week, I stayed out both evenings at Gloria Jeans to finish up my assignments, nonetheless, but also to avoid being home where an argument might just break out. I knew I couldn’t handle the aftermath, especially in the midst of academic stress, so I took myself out of it. It felt nice, liberating, not having to worry if an argument might break out or not. And I was darn productive too.

on growing up

Grown up. It's such a funny term. When do you exactly become a grown up? Is it when you graduate from high school? Is it when you get your driver's licence? Is it when you have your first beer at a legit bar? Is it when you get your first car?

If it is, then I'm not a grown up yet, ha, having only done two of the above things. The natural answer as to what a grown up is, of course, lies within what's in our mind and what's in our hearts. The way we go about things. When people say things like, you're a grown up now, it implies responsibility. And at this point of my life, I feel very responsible. I feel very responsible for myself.

I can't help but think that from here on end, the person I become in the next few years will more or less determine the kind of person I am in twenty years' time. As we grow older, we become greater creatures of habit, more self-righteous, more stubborn in our ways. We become more certain (and certainly more aware) of things around us, and therefore more sure of ourselves... and for many, there is little room for adjustment. We are what we are. Not to say that it's a bad thing... many grow older, wiser, better. Right now, I feel like there is still lots of room to improve... what do I want to be in twenty years time depends a lot on what I do now. Or is that too far fetched?

I want to hold on to this, this age of uncertainty, because I know it won't last forever. And make the most of it. Eventually I'll become a nagging, constantly dissatisfied old lady with grey hairs who thinks she knows the world like the encyclopaedia.

giving too much away

Yesterday, I caught up with the girls and it was nice. It was nice to see them again (I hadn't seen Khim in a while), and I was actually surprised at how much Khim talked yesterday. She's usually a talker, but around us and other friends, she's usually the quiet one. So it was great to listen to her, and it didn't matter what she said... it could be super important, or super trivial... but that's the point, isn't it? Catching up with friends and talking about whatever. Feeling free to do so, and such.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm being too liberal with my words, giving too much of myself away. With new friends, I'm able to cast a certain self that I was 'happy' with, not giving too much of myself away at too fast a rate. With my old friends, though, sometimes I wonder if I'm going too fast for them. Even though we had been friends for years and years, sometimes I'd say something and maybe it was a tad on the side of sarcastic, and they won't get it. As if I had said something offensive, or just something they couldn't relate to. There are moments, like that, and I wonder if it's me that's the problem.

Also caught up with Amy last night (watched Gone Girl, one crazy story I tell ya -- is it out in KK?), and it was really quite nice. It was her last day of school yesterday (mine in two days) and she was super happy. We talked about all things... and somewhere along the night, I spurted out about mum and dad fighting sunday night. I don't know it came on... but I guess I just had all these feelings I didn't what to do with. It was comforting to hear things like, "I can understand what you're going through right now" and "I don't know how you can deal with it day-to-day", "If they knew how much they were affecting you right now..." I needed that, but sometimes I wonder if I'm coming on to strong... we hadn't met up in a few weeks, and really, do I have to go on about my family?

Tis the deal with friendship and relationships we have, I guess.

purpose

Purpose is probably a word, a concept, that I've had trouble with lately.

I know I'm not the only one, but when you struggle with something as big as purpose, it can feel like you're the only one. I try to be positive about all things, live in the now, but it's hard when you have this feeling that you're not doing it right because what is your darn purpose? you ask yourself. Growing up, I guess, I've always felt the expectations to excel and know exactly what I'm doing (because that is always what I've done and been about for as long as I can remember), so it honestly felt that there was no room to fail. At all.

Had a chat with Kung Kung recently, asking him what he was like when he was 19. And he said, in Cantonese, mong ha mong ha. And you know what? It felt nice, to know that even my wise old seventy plus grandpa had states where he didn't know exactly where he was going + was perfectly fine with it. It made me feel better. I know I can't go about my days worrying about purpose all the time... it's certainly not how I'm going to find it, whatever it is.

observing

I'm at the coffeehouse, and there's an elderly couple sitting in front of me. The sitting arrangement is one of those chair + lounge combination, where one person sits on the chair, and the other on the lounge. But instead of sitting on the chair, the husband has gone and sat next to his wife on the lounge. I think it's just the sweetest. They're sitting shoulder to shoulder, both cross-legged, chatting and smiling. It's so nice to see.

I love observing things like this, and on days like this, where I'm feeling extra touchy, it certainly lifts my spirits. People watching is definitely my go-to when it comes to passing time (this is the girl who gets sunglasses not to protect her eyes, but so she can people watch without looking like a creep). It's different from mum's sort of people watch, where she looks at people, sizing them up as if to profile them like a FBI agent, ha. But more, observing mode, you know? I think it's just interesting to watch people at their natural state, doing the most ordinary of things, knowing that each and everyone of them have a story of their own to tell. And though their everyday, like shopping, unloading their groceries, grabbing their coffee, is probably not something they'd include in their biography, it's nice to be able to observe that. A small piece of themselves remaining a faint trace in my memory.

say

I was having a very sketchy morning, in one of those what's going on? + can I even do this? moods. You know the one. The one where nothing went right the night before, and you're tired of people having a go at you, but knowing that you have to keep on anyway. Because if you don't, no one will do that for you. That itself, is normally, empowering enough for me. But this morning, not even the thought of that was giving me any hwaiting! spirits.

Then this came on, and very nearly brought me to tears.

"Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken... even as the eyes are closing... do it with a heart wide open."

sticking to your own guns

Stick to your own guns were five words that whispered to me today as I took my shower.

It's a lesson that I'm learning more and more of as the days go by. I realised, recently, that I don't have to be apologetic for doing the things that I do, for putting myself first and making the things I love as priorities. I know, I know, it's not rocket science, and probably many many have figured this out already... but this is my first time stumbling across this. I've learned that it's important to put myself first, because it's simply not healthy to prioritise others' expectations, thoughts and feelings and casting away my own in the process.

This means worrying less about what others think, and focusing instead on what makes me happy. Like, for instance, today I stumbled into Aaron. Same time last week as well. Today, he needed to rush for his train, and before the tram got to a halt, he said to me, 'come, run for the train with me'. I could have made up excuses like, "I need to do a stop by the shops," but I didn't. Instead, I said, "I'd rather take my time." Later, at the platform, he whisked past me, and I, having seen him, could have called after him, and rode the train together, like we did last week. But, well, I just kinda ignored him.  

In all honesty, I wanted to travel the train alone, and read a book I just started a few days ago and been really enjoying. A year ago, if I had done that (ignored someone on purpose), I would have felt plain awful. But today? I was okay with it. I was sticking to my own guns, doing what I knew I would like the best, and not feeling any qualms of guilt at all. And it felt nice, sunny, it did. Did I enjoy reading my book the whole ride through? You betcha I did.

better times ahead

such a wonderful tune, I couldn't keep it to myself.

at default mode

After dinner last night, I did the dishes, cut fruits for the mother, then I went to my study desk. From then on, I opened up my readings for the week, and slowly paced myself as I went through them, page by page. Mum was in the kitchen, watching her korean drama, Papa was upstairs resting, and it was quiet, still and just perfect.

And I relished in it, so fully and wholeheartedly, and I thought to myself, this is what I love. The quiet, the stillness. Maybe, after all, I've found my default mode.

oh the juggles!

I read a book not too long called Crazy, Busy. The girls and I (from discipleship) were browsing for a book to study one night, and we stumbled upon this one. Even though we didn’t end up choosing this book, when I went to the bookshop to get the books we chose, I couldn’t help but ask the employee there to locate this book for me too. You see, the title just spoke to me. It speaks to all of us.

I wrote a few key points down as I read it, and they’re now in a notebook somewhere in the house, but the jist of it is: it is possible to be busy but not feel like you’re going crazy. That, that point right there, is something I’ve been trying to master for the past week. But of course, hayfever gone into overdrive and unwise decisions about late night coffee intake (leading to a lot of ceiling staring past midnight) led me down the path of less-than-impressive productivity on Saturday. I was absolutely goners, unable to function for most of the day, and part of me, oh yes, was damn frustrated with myself.

But then I decided that I was really trying my best, maybe not in that moment because I was physically down and out, but I have been trying to give everything my best shot. Realising my limitations as a human being, and accepting them, it was the most productive thing I had done all day and probably all week too, if I was being honest with myself. Thanks to this revelation, my Sunday went swell and I was back to normal again.

a musical journey

Upon getting out of your offline hiatus on Saturday, you chatted to me about Isaac’s progression with piano. The row, your life pep talk and his response.

It’s not the first time we’ve talked about it, and every time we do, I continue to reflect on my own musical journey afterwards. What am I doing about it? Am I doing anything at all? Where do I want to go from here? These are questions that haunt me, not only in the realms of piano, but in many other areas of my life as well. And that, that’s a problem.

What I ultimately want to achieve with piano is to really hone in on my skills, and play truly emotively. Most of it (like Isaac’s situation) is consistency, so that I’m making every. lesson. worth it. Short term, I’d like to sit for my Certificate of Performance in June next year. It may seem like a long time, but in the grand scheme of things (uni, work, friends), it’s not long at all. And don’t tell anyone, I hope to do it ‘on my own’. What I mean is, I’d like to go in to my exam, without Mum’s knowledge, and just do it. Is that weird? I guess from grade 8 till now, piano has felt like such a personal journey to me, and I want to keep it that way. Plus, less pressure on me if the mothership doesn’t know (you’d understand, being on the other end yourself).

The problem with piano, though, as I mentioned before, is that I’m not sure whether it deserves all the focus that I’m giving it right now. I face a different problem from Isaac… my problem is – is the time I’m giving it, leading me to lose focus? But then again… I can’t imagine my life without it. It’s like Isaac wanting to sell the piano – I don’t want to throw my love for piano away. It’s not even the skills I’m talking about… just having something that I really like is so wonderful, so wonderful that it doesn’t matter if it’s not going to be my career, my bread and butter. It’s my jam, you know? (Oh, you know you liked that pun ;)

butting of heads

You know when your best friends texts you, “Hey, how has things been since your dad came back?” about a week after you caught up with her, something is off. Apparently a passing remark of mine over dinner that night struck her and stayed with the girl for the rest of the week, before she upped and asked me.

That’s the thing, me and her just have this inherent feel for each other’s feels that I love and appreciate. She is, after all, the one and only outside family that I’ve truly let in.

Yesterday marked twenty two years that my folks have been together. Twenty two. It’s a long time, certainly longer than I’ve been alive (which is the a la natural thing to do, I know, but some days I just feel old and ancient and worthy of a museum display, ok?). Things have been alright, truly, but a bit here and a bit there of butting of heads will all accummulate one day. I’m anticipating it, but I know I can’t worry about it. I know most days they are trying their best in this cohabitation deal and I keep it at the back of my mind… always (trying my best to) remind myself that things could be so much worse, but they aren’t, at least not yet.

1995

I'd be on this earth, breathing and living for twenty years next year.

To be fair, the first decade of my life was pretty easy and smooth sailing... and even that wouldn't do justice of just how easy it was for me then. Second decade came with a bit of road bumps here and there, some harder to walk over then others... But hey, I'm here today, aren't I?

It's just occurred to me that I'll be breaking away from my teenagehood in half a year (though in my mind, I've probably stopped being a "teenager" loooong time ago ha) and entering a new phase of my life. The twenties party, wow. It's going to be a crazy whirlwind of a decade, I know that for sure. But I'm also excited, because I hear that the twenties are the most exciting part of your life. The freest you'll ever be. Not that life is all about freedom, but it ain't a bad thing right?

20, won't be long now. I hope you'll welcome me with a big embrace, year twenty.

fading ideologies

This really got me thinking. It made me smile, because I realised I had also recently made a few changes in my life, changes that many have been pushing for. But my own stubbornness, or I suppose, ideology, has pushed them aside.

Starting Tuesday morning, I started to put on sunscreen. What?! What happened? I know... but hey, I think we both know I'd come around eventually. It actually happened over the weekend, and I upped and told mum on Sunday, so we went and got sunscreen, along with moisturisers (mine was running out) and a new cleanser (mum has a firm belief that the neutrogena one I've been using is making my skin break out). I decided that at nineteen, it's time I start looking after my own skin.

Another thing changed, too. After watching this video, I am now trying to sit straighter. It's painful, yes, especially with my sore back... but actually makes it less sore. And I feel more elevated, too. ;) More changes to come I'm sure, but it's nice to make these little ones... and being conscious of them too.

cancelling expectations

Ever heard of the whole "the world doesn't owe you a thing" mantra? As in, you gotta make it on your own, because no one owes you any favours in this world thing. Weeeelll, recently I had a realisation that by the very same token of that mantra, I also don't owe anyone anything.

Is that a bold statement? Perhaps.

Of course, we've got to be wary of the feelings of others. We've gotta be considerate and patient of those around us, for sure. But their feelings, or rather, the things that have formed their default feelings to certain situations, shouldn't dictate the way we act. I'm still in the process of working all this out myself, actually, so you could say this is a realisation in the workings, hah... but recently I've tried to do things which please myself, rather than those around me. Don't feel like checking my Facebook even if I know there are messages waiting for me? It's okay, don't check it. to name a simple example.

Life is really too short to do everything by others' books -- something I never thought I was actually doing -- but really, I was unconsciously doing it. Time to build a playbook of my own, I reckon.

give this a try

I know you're a bit of a 'cynic' when it comes to listening to korean songs... I remember playing one when I was in Vietnam and you were like, "you can't even understand the lyrics and yet you like it". Haha. But this one's got a nice tone to it, the guy's a storyteller... even if I don't know the words in his story.

emotionally slutty

I stumbled upon a new term today. It's one from sex and the city, of all places, and the quote goes: "I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty..."

Slut is a term that we usually coin for those who are promiscuous, whether through their dress or actions. But emotionally slutty... is something I can totally live with being in my vocabulary. It's true though, isn't it? Sometimes we reveal too much of our emotions, only to realise that we should've placed a thin veil over it before uncovering too deep into our inner selves.

the deep end

I'm at the library, about ten minutes to go before I make the jump for a careers session at 1pm. Tis my life right now... lectures, tutorials, career sessions (to kick off this 'career' of mine) and such. Amongst that is of course late night catch ups with the best friend amy and pius.

Amy and I got talking last night, and realised how particular relationships in our lives, friendships, are fading. It's not just happening to me, and her, but those around us too. I suppose the whole thing is cyclical, and unstoppable. As we grow older, we grow out of the relationships we forged nearly a decade ago, and so it goes. Of course, I hope mine and her stays for some time. I really treasure that girl, I do.

So it got me thinking about meaningful relationships. As in, I can count on one hand the meaningful relationships I have right now. Kung Kung, Popo, you, Amy and Pius. You five are the people I can really genuinely have good conversations with, and to me, that's all that matters, you know? Of course, it gets me thinking that perhaps I shouldn't spend so much time on the friendships that are rather superficial, hi-bye like. But then, I feel bad... but then again, I'm really not being fair on them if I keep this up, right?

Talked to mum about this meaningful relationships deal last night, and she just didn't get it. Said I was expecting too much out of my relationships, and went on to say things that didn't even coherently relate to what I was saying. I'm trying to build a bond with her, but times like this, it reminds me why I haven't in the past. A deep, meaningful relationship with my mother someday would be nice.

not desperado here

"You're not that desperate, are you?" is the few words that pricked me tonight. Only slightly, because it's not like I haven't heard the same thing about Pius before we went out.

Those words, of course, came from surprise surprise, mummy. Although Papa put it down much less harshly, the meaning was the same: Don't go out with guys that you're not interested in. Only go out in a group of friends, not one-on-one. Their views on boys are as though boys are vultures, out to get you. To an extent, I can see where they're coming from, but it's like I have to view every guy friend I make as a potential. If they're not potentials, don't make them into friends.

That logic, on me, unfortunately doesn't swim well. Imagine if they find out about "amy". Oh, now, I'm not even sure how to tell him. Papa even said today, "Once you're interested in dating a guy, you have to let us know. Because we have lived longer than you (yawns), so we can judge a person's character better." And he even added more 'liao' to his argument by including Kung Kung's apparently all-famous line, "Men and women can't coexist as friends, they can only coexist as lovers." Then used the priest from Stella Maris as an example, some affair of Ah Po's friend, and so on to illustrate his point.

Losing the argument here -- actually, correction -- no space for me to even make a contribution to the discussion. Because obviously I am inexperienced in this area, too naive, too young, to make logical conclusions of my own. It appears that the relationships I form, other than that of the same sex, need to go through the security scan of the folks. Now wouldn't that be lovely.

I'm never too far

Been a while since I shared a song with you, and I thought, tonight wasn't a bad time I do.

A part of the song that speaks to me is, "When I’m too far from home / Hold on and pull me in." It's a line that speaks, loud, because sometimes I feel I'm distant from home. Not in a badly drastic way, necessarily, just in ways that are just inevitable when I have to spread my time to parts of my life that pushes me to make progress. And that, is a good thing too, and it's awesome, super awesome, that I have all your support to do so.

Though my actual physical distance is inevitable, and some days perhaps I'm not as frequent with my replies on the social apps front, please know that my heart is always sitting close to all of you, with all of you. I think about you all everyday, and though this life I lead is, at the end of the day, "mine"... you are at root of it, the roots that made all good things in me possible.

making sense

Felt the urge to write you another one, so you're in for a treat today!

There's one thing I've learned recently, and it's the fact that we don't make sense to everyone. Oh, and more importantly, we don't have to make sense to every single person on this face of the earth. We are all different, with a conglomeration of distinct thoughts that may not match the person next to us.

The saddest thing, of course, is when our loved ones -- the ones who are meant to understand us the most -- think that we don't make sense at all. Most of the time, this happens not because we act out of character, because how can we when we act based on who we are (even the bad, negative, ugly sides that appear occasionally within ourselves is our character). It happens because our character falls out of their expectations of us. And definitely, it's what some have made me feel lately, directly or indirectly.

I try to distance myself from this, because I know that most of the time, I'm not obliged to make sense to these people. As long as I think I make sense, and I'm doing right by what I believe is right, then surely, I'm not doing it completely wrong right?

not the only one

I was about to turn off the laptop, but a voice in my head whispered loudly, "the blog..." So here I am writing you one. Aptly, three minutes after midnight, just in time for the break of a new day.

You just texted me, asking me how my second week's been... and among my responses, I wrote, 'settling in well'. When I wrote that, I meant more than getting used to the settings of the university, as you may or may not have gathered. Perhaps it does have something to do with a new setting, but lately I'm settling into myself much smoother, much swiftly than I ever have before.

What I mean by that, is that I know what I'm good and what I'm not good at. Settling well into myself, in response to this self-knowledge, is being comfortable with not forcing myself to the breaking point on things that I'm weak at. But knowing that those weaknesses lie, and allowing myself to gravitate towards them, one step at a time. I'm a work in progress -- I know people say that all the time that it almost becomes a cliché -- but at seven months short of 20, I really, really am a work in progress.

Then there are things that have slid into my character, or rather have been realised recently. Last night, for instance, Mum lost it at me over a small, small matter that wasn't even a matter in the first place. I didn't do anything, but she said I ruined her day. Caught me totally by surprise, her, but I let it slide and didn't get angry at all. I think it was partly because I was so surprised. Anyway, didn't really hold a drudge with her, despite her extreme behaviour. This morning I got a text from her apologising, which was nice. You know, after all these times, it's nice to get a "sorry". Like her outburst, I didn't expect an apology from her either. Perhaps I'm not the only who's changing, hey.

the thing about interaction

I met up with a couple of old friends today at the uni... the same ones I met up with last week, Khim and Sonia. To be honest, since last week, some parts of me weren't feeling quite great upon meeting them... because I realised how to a point, they had become bigger headed after their time here at Melbourne Uni. It was little things they said, like, "Welcome to the elites!" I know such a line was meant to make me feel elevated, but yet, I thought to myself, "Elites? What's that supposed to mean?" Because as much as I wanted to get in, I never considered myself to be elite once I became a Melbourne Uni student.

A day after meeting them, I met up with Amy... who told me the same thing about Elena, who had the same big headedness about being in Melbourne... to the point she repeatedly put Amy down for being in another university and not Melbourne. Reflecting on all this... it is not my intention to relish in the ways that my friends had changed, but just reflecting in hope that these changes won't take place within me. I told Papa and Mum to give me a nudge if it does.

I guess you could say it's something I feel strongly internally, but not on the external front. Met up with them again today, as they had wanted to meet up again... and it was good. Certainly a nice reminder why I'm friends with them... and also a reminder of our closeness/distance. I think that's the thing with friendship, with interaction... sometimes you just can't force it and let it roam as far as it goes. It might not be far at all, but maybe, just maybe, that's the right distance.

building oneself

I'm listening to Healing Piano by Yiruma as I type this... it's kind of funny, kind of whimsy, and wonderful how I start many of these posts with a note of what I'm listening to. It just goes to show how much music permeates our lives... and for the most part, for all the good reasons. Indeed, just like the name of the album suggests, music can heal.

Came across the photo on the right. It's a capture of the everyday - a cup of cappuccino accompanied with a crossword puzzle from The New York Times. Looks rather simple, doesn't it? But yet, on a closer reading, I don't find it so. Today, it's hard to reach some simplicity in life... the photo itself, is one taken of a leisure activity -- one in which the photographer has taken ownership in carving out time for. I realised, upon stumbling this, that this is the kind of life I wish to have.

One of solidarity, leisure time planned out, and time just to oneself. I hope to have one like such in the near future... understanding that it's not one that I can build one, right here right now. It takes time to make changes, and this time I will be the patient one.

ten percent or less

"Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn't the way they actually are." -John Green

This quote has been at the back of my mind recently as I go through the daily. Realising that I am, sometimes, at most, a fraud, or putting on a mask as you call it, I realise that perhaps what I see in people sometimes is only 10% of who they are. Most of the time, it's more than 10% of course. But you know, I could be witnessing them at their worst 10% that day, and I can't be all judgy based on that, right?

I was on the train yesterday, and there were these two boys chatting quite loudly just behind me. Not in the way that it was rude, but just loud enough that I couldn't ignore their conversation. They were talking about how loaded the children of David Beckham must be, and how some celebrities' marriages actually last so long... a lot about other people's lives. And true enough, celebrities are there, publicised, for us to critique and judge, but still, I couldn't help but think, 'perhaps you could focus on your lives more'. It wasn't in a mean way, but it just seemed a waste to spend your time thinking about others' lives.

They then went on to talk about the difference between Australian and Asian education... one of them had said that they were taught fractions by their dad at 7, and how he didn't even use it until Form 1... almost ridiculing the education here in a 'oh, I'm so smart way'. They made fun of kids who didn't know how to do fractions until Form 1, and so on and so on... for almost half the train ride. It bothered me, in a small way.

Of course, once I got off the train, the thought of their conversation was long gone... and perhaps, just perhaps, that conversation is only evidence of a small fraction of their personality. So I shouldn't judge their entire character based on forty minutes of conversation -- I certainly don't have the right -- but it reminds me how the words we put before others often have such an effect on people in the way they view us... even if those sentences we form are not completely, wholly in tune with our character.

being

Some thoughts are best left unthought,
while some words are best left unsaid.
Some parts of ourselves are best unrevealed,
while some parts of ourselves are best revealed.

Today, I want to be as I want to seem. I haven't been totally at my best recently, saying things that normally don't leave my mouth, being too open with people only to feel closed off. Life is like that... a decision between what to show and what to hide in our daily living. Perhaps that's called 'not being yourself', but if those parts of yourself lead you down to the same mistakable paths, perhaps it's time to slowly draw them out until they are no longer part of you.

unconscious change

The world's a changin', and so am I.

In the same way that you find a long lost, untouched Nokia brick phone from 2004, then take your shiny, slim HTC out from your pocket... and think to yourself, "wow, so much has changed" -- that's a fragment of what I've been feeling recently. It took some time, actually, to realise these changes... for a few days, I was wondering, "wow, this is new". It's not to say that I changed without noticing -- no, these actions I took were deliberate... but it's nice to notice the results at the end road.

So what are they, exactly?

• A few months ago, I couldn't not go on Facebook. I had a reflex in my fingers to instantaneously type f-a-c-e the moment I open up the browser. Realising I had a problem, I took Vietnam up as an opportunity to derail myself from it. A month later, quick as it was, I now only log onto Facebook once every few days... and it's now often at the back of my mind now. This control, you might call it, is not something I have to force myself to do... but just something I want to do. I feel free without it.

• I've quit instagram and blogging... for now. My account, my blog, still exist. I haven't deleted them, but merely am putting them on hold for now to focus on better things in life rather than being online all the time. I'm keeping a journal instead, and intend to get back into taking photos again, either from a point-and-shoot in hand or lens with better capabilities (as motivation).

• I'm practising the art of non-instantenous replying. (Doesn't apply to you, of course.) I used to reply (or feel the need to reply) to messages immediately, right after reading them. With that, I realised, I drew expectations on myself, from myself and from others. So today? I set aside time, once or twice a day to reply... or a few hours after I get the message. I'm grateful for this distance I've carved out.

• I'm learning to make promises that I can only keep. Commitments including catch-ups, meetings and work. It's still a learning process for me... and I've realised that in order to keep to this, I need to be more wary of how I divide my time and how I'd like to divide it.

• I'm learning to please myself, instead of pleasing others. It's great when both go hand in hand... but sometimes, they just don't. And it's okay. Am I doing something so I could have a greater bond with this person? Am I doing this because I think it'll make me look like/be a happy person? A key part of this, I've realised, is to be myself and defining what happiness, or rather, wholeness, feels/sounds/looks like to me.

So there you go, what's been going in michelle's head 101. Session out, over to you.

my new theory

Across our lives, perhaps everyday, or every second day, we come across something that we really want. It could be a tangible or intangible thing. Dreams of going away on a holiday, getting lessons to become closer to our goals, or an actual product that you know might inspire you to be happier and better for it. To want, just like feeling wanted, is all part of human nature.

But... the other thing about being human is that sometimes we don't get what we want (I hear ya, fan girl who wants to go to Steven Ma's concert badly). This usually boils down to money, time and/or circumstances. We realise that we don't have the money for it, the time to invest in it, or simply that some circumstances mean that we are unable to get that thing we so desperately covet. This realisation can be a daily struggle for some.

My new theory is that if I want something now so so badly, that it makes me unhappy that I don't have it, then perhaps it's not such a good idea for me to have it, right now. Is it just a way psych myself out from the realm of my desires? I'm not sure. But it's certainly a different way of looking at things. And hey, not saying that this applies to Lai Soon at all, but just a little something I felt like sharing today. I am a pretty content person generally (as you would know), but I am still learning the art of patience with myself. There are so many things I wish to do, experiences I'd like to have... but I know that all in good time, with planning, they will come. Just not today, not right now.

end / beginning

Is it an end to something old, or a beginning to something new?

Perhaps it's both, but in the past week or two, certainly a lot of change has come into my life. To be honest, coming from Vietnam, I had realised that I landed into Melbourne a different person. In many ways, Vietnam had already changed me - reshaped my perspectives and reordered my priorities. I was happy with that, and glad to be back into the routine rhythm of things. It was good to be home.

And then, the offer from Melbourne came. It caught me totally off guard, and looking back, I must say... it was such a stark contrast from the time I got my offer last year. I was so sure, so sure then that I would get the offer from Melbourne straight off the bat... confident of my score, and how positively it would secure me a place due to the past score history of the university. Looking back, I was over confident, wasn't I? I really should not have been.

The last half year has definitely changed me from that person... I think, I have become more humble, having pulled myself from others' expectations of my excellence. Entering Monash has brought me to so many places, where I've met so many people - from ACYA, from OCF and people from all over my classes. I have felt such a community at Monash, I'll be sad to bid my goodbyes. But this move, this time, feels right. It feels liberating to be at the start line of this new phase ahead of me. Not just educationally, but in so many other ways -- some I've discovered, some I've yet to discover.

hey you, you're cool

I'm not going to pull a "mummy" and go on about how great you are for making such an effort to join us here in Vietnam. Don't get me wrong -- in no way am I disagreeing with her (for once ;), because it's the truest thing in the world... but it's been said many times and we all know that you're already great before you did that anyway. So instead I'd like to say...

Hey you, you're cool.

You're cool when you go with the flow when travelling.

You're cool when you go all Jim Carrey and say YES MAN! to challenging stuff (kayaking, trekking) instead of saying no... which I think is just about the best decision one could make when on holiday. 

You're cool when you're thoughtful of others.

You're cool when our thoughts align, like the one about routine we had.

You're cool when our thoughts don't align all the way, and I am refreshed with twists to perspectives.

You're cool when you say the most not cool things... like all those ones (you know what I'm talking about) on our cute pick-up guide. Only cool people can pull that off, okay?

You're cool when you're you, and I'm so grateful that I saw and felt so much of you, in real, this past week.

the first in eons

It's 4:49AM, an hour till you're supposed to wake up. I awoke around an hour ago... as if I am the one who's flying early and needs to make her 6:30AM taxi pick up.

I awoke with two things on my mind: the typical "I need to pee" and the not so typical words "so scared of failure". As I went about my business in the dark (the lights in the toilet weren't on), I wonder what the latter thought could mean.

Was I scared of failure? Somehow the statement seemed to resonate with me. But... I don't think I'm scared of failure as much as I expect failure. With due course, they're interrelated things: people who are scared of failure expect it to come from every corner. For me though... I'm not scared of it, but seem to be too accepting of it to the point that I've lost that grit for success. This goes for everything in my life... studies, relationships, work, goals etc etc. I hope it doesn't make me a negative thinker, but I know it certainly doesn't make me a positive one either.

Like a switch of a light, my mind soon wandered off to imagined scenarios: setting aside some money each payroll so I could treat mum to lunch on sunday at least once a month, getting some of Papa's staple food for him... and many more like that. Things that I want to do to better the most important parts of my life... with a much later realisation that the betterment of them would selfishly make better my life. It would make me feel good to make the treasured parts of my life feel treasured, loved and cared for. Of course... that wasn't something that came to me straight off the bat when I was imagining the scenarios in my head, and nor am I condoning that one should do things for others with the priority aim to make themselves better (because I certainly won't)... but I guess it's just interesting how the human condition works sometimes. 

just like that

I woke up today, all on my own. The first thing I remember doing after I awoke, was smiling. I smiled. With all my heart. Like it was the purpose of my life. I smiled with my lips, and I'm sure, my closed eyes smiled too. I thought about last night, and I smiled even more.

After minutes of twisting and turning, I looked at the time on my phone. It was 6:22AM. And just like that, I got out of bed and started my day. Again, with a smile. This time, on the inside.

hairdresser series #2

Been spending a lot of money lately… not unnecessarily, but still, it’s money. I love that I’m talking about money, when I’m about to spend much of it here, at the hairdresser’s. Mum did say that she wanted to pay for it because “you’ve been studying so hard these past few weeks for your exams” (kononnya)… but I know she’s short on the $$$. Apologised to me on the weekend about not depositing my weekly allowance last week… told her it’s fine, I’m earning extra income now, so actually she doesn’t need to give me allowance except for the odd piano and violin lessons.

Anyway, money talk, who loves them.

I guess, if there’s anything that’s worth saving, it’s time. And lately I haven’t been very good with it. My days just pass and go… without any purpose. I’m really hoping that this upcoming Vietnam trip… will give me a boost. Press restart, reboot, that sort of thing. Oh, and you know what I’m most looking forward to? Using my three weeks trip as an excuse to not log on to Facebook. Hahaha. Really, that’s what I’m most looking forward to.

hairdresser series #1

I’m waiting at the hairdressers as I type this… was opening up my laptop to write more notes for the exam next week – but who am I kidding? Like I’m going to be one of those people who are so uber productive, always doing something at every second of the day.

It’s going to be a long wait, so who knows, I’ll probably pump out more than one post today (lucky you!) How are you today, my sunny? I hope that you are having a better day today than yesterday, because it seems, yes, it feels like you’re in this inescapable rut, right? Well, I hope that reading my posts will at least give you a bit of an ‘escape’ from them. And please, please don’t ever feel bad for reading three or four of them at one go, only checking in every few days… it’s completely OKAY. Why? Because I said so. So don’t ever feel bad. Feel good that you are taking the time out to read my words.

I’m so looking forward to seeing you, my dear sunny. There are so many things I’d like to tell you, in person. So much has happened since I last saw you… and much of it, you know, and some, I’ve saved till the time I see you (recently, anyway). I’m excited to see you, to spend time with you. We are so close, sometimes I don’t feel the physical distance… but times like last night when you were telling me your thoughts, your feelings… I wish I could just hug you and comfort you – times like that, I’m really reminded of our physical distance.

Well, not long now! Not long at all, three weeks?

gladly

common theme this month has been, 'what am I doing with my life?'

not in that bitter, lost in the woods kind of way that I was going about things for the first half of the year. now, it's just, the 'what's my purpose for the day?' kind of way. since watching the secret life of walter mitty, I have reaffirmed my way of life.

a big part of this reaffirmation is that, I can't be all that I want to be, all at the same time. it just cannot happen, and in many ways, it shouldn't happen like that. change shouldn't take place so fast, it should take place by parts. parts could be memories, attitudes, people we meet, the relationships we build, places we go. accepting this, gladly, has helped me immensely. I now understand that just because I can't do it all, it does not mean that I'm lacking or incapable.

I should always yearn for more, but also know that now, at where I am, is okay. I am bettering and bettering myself more and more with each second, minute, hour, day that I embrace this. it's been a big wake-up call... but I'm glad, so glad, that it finally came in some form and shape.

max

take you to every party,
because I remember how much you loved to dance.

word

I'm going to be an accountant with my time

get that essay done

study my bums off for the upcoming exams

clear out all those distractions

and focus inwards, instead of outwards

I can do it, all I have is time.

happiness?

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don't mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep" and "cheer up" and "happiness is out birthright" and so on. We're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It's rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, "Quick! Move on! Cheer up!" I'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word "happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness." Ask yourself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is.

—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life

today is either going to be good

or it's going to be bad. you know what I mean? sometimes, you wake up later than usual, tired even though you've slept a quarter of your life. and so it goes, it's either going to be good or bad, depending on your sense of will. and I'm reeeeally hoping to make it a good one.

I'm staying home today, because mum's made dumplings and wants me to cook them for me and papa for lunch. it's good, too, so I can get some practice in before my piano lesson tomorrow.

heart doesn't feel right lately. relationship with mother is not great, tension building for some reason... I'm getting tired of the hot/cold relationship with her. appearance over practicality, her right over my wrong, her truth over my truth. treating as though it's all good, just as long as she's forgiven me, it's a given that I'm not hurt by her anymore.

sunday

on sunday it was raining. mum was off to mount buller, and in the morning she half-convinced me to skip church this week instead, because she couldn't drive me there. at about 8:05, I realised it was probably my turn to do the projector job at mass. so I got right out of bed, brushed my teeth, put on some clothes and shoes for good measure and rushed out the door! honestly half the time as I was walking I had to rub my eyes a few times, because I was still in that sleepy, blurry eyed phase of the morning. it was quite hilarious, as you could imagine. I wonder what I looked like to passersby.

then I got to church, and was told that it wasn't my turn. false alarm, ah well. but I was glad I made it to church. our Father talked about a movie he had watched during the week called 'heaven is real'. right after church, I checked out the times for the movie, but unfortunately I couldn't make it cause I had discipleship with the girls. as I was walking home on the main street, a car stopped beside me. it was errol, the head of st vincents at our church -- the organisation I was part of but quit recently. he smiled, said hi and asked me if I wanted a ride home. it was cold, I declined, but was touched that some good feelings still remained between us, hah.

I didn't get out of the house until 12:15. I was in a rush, it was raining, and I felt dreary. most likely cause I had an essay due the next day, that I hadn't even started yet. part of me asked, is this discipleship thing really worth going today? am I just going to be superficial about it today, because of this mood I'm in? so I got there, after a quick pizza takeaway, and I was right. throughout the whole thing, I just didn't seem in it, and I realised... I was so spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. even as I led the opening prayer and the closing prayer, my heart just wasn't in it. and it sounded so fake to my ears, because my heart wasn't there with God.

for that I felt so frustrated with myself, and as I left the place... that's when I called you. so I wrote a bit of my essay when I got to the library (about half an hour later because bus is infrequent during weekends), and left the place at 5pm when the library closed. bought some groceries for the week, and that was about it. it was really quite an uneventful day, but eventful in some ways.

I don't know if you actually read all this, and if you did, I've got both of thumbs up for you right now. I'm not sure why I wrote all of this... but there's my sunday.

the departure

Franz Kafka, 1920s

I ordered my horse to be brought from the stables. The servant did not understand my orders. So I went to the stables myself, saddled my horse, and mounted. In the distance I heard the sound of a trumpet, and I asked the servant what it meant. He knew nothing and had heard nothing. At the gate he stopped me and asked:

"Where is the master going?" 

"I don't know," I said, "just out of here, just out of here. Out of here, nothing else, it's the only way I can reach my goal." 

"So you know your goal?" he asked. 

"Yes," I replied, "I've just told you. Out of here -- that's my goal."

count

just did some calculator work, and looks like I still owe you 27 posts! 26, now, hehe. but instead of posting just for the sake of posting, I want to make each and every one of these count, okay? so it will take some time before I pay off my debt.

you know, now that I think about it, I've probably written more to you tonight than I have made progress with my german essay (it's coming along though, in case you were wondering). I just want to let you know that it's been awesome talking to you recently, getting to know each other's feels. it's been good, well needed, and just so, so... good.

and if you haven't read the posts below yet, I'd start from if only and move my way back up. that's how my train of thought went tonight, so if you read downwards, it might not make sense haha. oh wow, look at me! talking about continuity as though this thing is a book. but then again... we both know if this was a book, it'd be on your best-selling list. hahahahaha I'm shameless

planting another perspective

I am trying to plant other perspective in my head... perspective from Kung Kung, perspective from Popo, perspective from EE. I know they have all the reason to worry, because I'm their precious, I'm their loved one. with that at the back of my mind, I'm trying to plant their perspectives and let them blend in with mine.

but the more I do it, sunny, the more I see control instead of worry. as in, yes, they can worry, but there is this distinction, this line of 'yes, they can worry, but I can't let each and every one of their worry direct each and every one of my decision'. a worry is care, a worry is love, but a worry is not a right. it's not a right to make me feel so enclosed, so hammered in, so doubtful of me. at least, it shouldn't be a right.

I'm not sure if they know how I feel. I'm trying to imagine how hard it is on them, and all I can think about is relieving them of that. but relieving them of that would mean making it twice as hard for myself. so selfish of me, right? there has to be a medium, there has to be an in-between, there has to be a compromise... but right now? there has to be extremes first. at least... I hope that's how it goes.

superficial

I don't want a superficial hi-bye relationship with my grandparents, but lately, especially since last night, it's becoming apparent to me that it may have to be that way if I want to live a life I want to live. but a life without a strong relationship with my grandparents doesn't seem like a life worth living, you know? so, I'm torn.

never thought I was the perfect goodie girl in my grandparents' mind until I've bursted that bubble. to be honest, until now, I don't even know which part of me is wrong. getting a new job... catching up with friends... wanting to earn more money to save up... not wanting to rely so much on my mother... are these things so bad? honestly, they make me feel as though I'm going out clubbing every night with my friends, getting drunk, smoking weed or something. that tone when they speak to me, the hmm-sure line ee relays back to me (as if to say 'ok, sure, yeah right')... it all feels so superficial.

tonight, Popo even spelled it out for me: 'I'm happy when you're at home, safe and sound, within the confines of your house'. couldn't disagree more, tried to relay another perspective to her... but mid-sentence, I just gave up. and kinda let it slide.

if only

if only Kung Kung, Popo and EE had access to a daily blog like this one, oh how I would write them a river of words. but I have decided, what are the point of words if they go unheard, in and out of ears that only wish to listen to what they want to hear, and make up words on the ones they don't want to hear.

received a whatsapp from EE tonight (after she reminded me in our call to read it), saying that she's too annoyed and frustrated to say anything, so she shall remain quiet instead. which, hey, is fine by me. but I've decided, that if she wishes to make her mind made known, that's fine too. I will remain unmoved and unaffected by it -- of course, I will be all ears, but I won't get angry over it. I'm sick of getting frustrated of making people frustrated at me. it's enough.

it's like, they're pushing me away, man. as if saying, 'hey, we don't like this part of you, I want a refund.' and honestly, I feel more and more like myself everyday. but having this, this daily reminder, is as if saying, 'dude, you're on the wrong path and you're being the wrong person'. yes, I admit, I should've handled last night better, should have thought it through and kept my worry-prone grandmother lukewarm in my mind before I made the call, which I thought would have made her feel less worried. but it seems like I'm just bouncing things back at myself lately.

my mind made up and I can't let go

ryan tedder just never fails to impress.

 I still haven't decided whether I'm a fan of this song or not... I think it all depends on one's mood, but definitely, definitely been listening to this on repeat tonight. his voice and stage presence is phenomenal.

dancing slowly in an empty room

it's near 12am and I'm sitting here, in front of my laptop, can't sleep. reflecting, thinking, wondering about this life of mine. I feel the deep urge to write, like there's something breaking out of me. I guess lately I've been having these existentialist thoughts, and wondering what exactly I am doing with my life and whether I'm making it worth the while. sometimes, really, I feel like I'm wasting it. I guess it's just the fact that I haven't found my place in this world yet.

I don't feel rooted yet. I don't feel held... and maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing.

sometimes I feel spoilt having thoughts like this. it's just, it's not that I'm not grateful for this life of mine. I feel gratitude everyday... like today, when a man with a guide stick approached me as I got on the bus, 'what bus is this?' even before I got on, I saw he had approached every single bus that arrived at the bus stop, stepping into each bus and asking the bus driver 'what's this bus?' when I saw that, and when he spoke to me, and thanked me, I felt grateful. that I had eyes to see even the simplest things like numbers on the bus.

and then, today, I also received my fee statement for semester two. and as I forwarded it to mum, I added a note in the email: thanks for paying for my education, mum. it was a simple note, but I really did feel grateful as I wrote it. I know asians tend to pay for their children's education, but really, she isn't obliged to, sunny. she doesn't have to. I could have just become australian, and pay back my fees to the government when I start working... something that I'm sure many of my friends are doing.

and then, when I signed into the blog tonight, I was surprised to find a '1' next to the comment bubble in my last post. things are okay, but yes... been tired lately, I am living within a human shell after all. I'm only doing the best I can, and it's enough.

so yes... those are my thoughts for the night. not sure if they make sense.

im possible

just want to take a moment tonight to just breathe, and be myself for a minute here. haha. just finished up a 90mins visual arts exam, and have now got back to my main campus, to do some studying till 9pm (when the library closes). I'm tired, exhausted, I'll admit, but even within that there's a desire to succeed. and it's not one of those overachieving I want to succeed! I must succeed! desire. just wanting to succeed, because I know I can if I put in the work sort of thing.

and the fact that I don't want to waste my near four thousand dollars per semester education, so, you know, gotta put in the hard work.

there are moments in the day where I feel overwhelmed. like, today when I finished an essay and then the teacher turns around and says, 'hey, here's the book that we want you to include in your essay, two days before it's due' like it's no problem, even though my whole essay is done, referenced and near edited. so to include the book is like to essentially rewrite at least half my essay. which I've got no time, no energy for. times likes these... it's just frustrating. a little bit. when the world seems to hand you more lemons than you have juicers for. my tastebuds for lemons are near numb, I tell you, haha.

but other than that, I know that once I get through these three weeks, I'll feel much more relaxed, and that feeling is nice. sure, there are times when things seem impossible, people seem impossible... but I have to remind myself that I'm possible.

send

it's been really hard to put into actions what I feel lately. slowly, yes, I'm able to put it in to words, something that I'm getting better at lately. and there's something about that... that I'm proud of. it feels like I'm finally standing up for myself. not in a loud way, but a clear way.

there are things I wish I was better at, sunny. I think we all have that. it's more than just imperfections... because I think we all know we are imperfect and there are just some imperfections that make us who we are and that's fine. and then there are those that get us down... and recently I feel like I've been let down by others' perceptions of my imperfections. and I feel like screaming, 'can't I just be left alone to figure it out myself?' I'm almost saying, 'let me make the mistake that you think I'm about to make, because I don't want my next mistake to be involving you'.

so... I'm going to slowly and readily clear my palette. I have to admit, it hurt to send in my resignation to the conference. but there was a tiny sense of relief. I had to make it very clear to myself that I'm not letting this go just so that I will get papa and mummy off my back, but because I need to, to refocus my focus. because I want to. and that's when I hit the send button.

let

let be, let be.

the voice

judges' take on each other's songs. awesome stuff.

wednesday note

I'm waiting for my bus to caulfield, standing next to a tree with my back soaking up the sunshine. Wearing a floral motif dress with the light cardigan that I bought at cotton on, kk (remember the one?), my hair is loosely tied up in messy bun, with curtains of fringe flowing lightly on either side of my face.

You could say I'm lost. Unsure. Conflicted. But you could also say that I'm growing. What is growth without discovery? And what is discovery without uncertainties? It's taken a while to get here, but today, I decided one thing for good: to live up to my own expectations. Not all of them, just one at a time, and ones that are important to me.

And if I can't do that, I shouldn't expect myself to live up to others' expectations.

open your eyes

didn't touch my heart as much as I thought it would, but ed's voice is beautiful... and I, I just felt a need to share this with you today for some reason. 

"and I know these scars will bleed / as both of our hearts, bleed."

lately

recently I've learned that the human will is not as simple as I made it out to be. it's complex, it's hard to change, even when you really crave it. for a while now I thought I was doing fine, being the change that I want to be... and then I realised amongst it all I lacked one thing. support. and it's harsh, when really you're just trying to better yourself.

I'm trying not to get caught up in all and just work on being myself, and doing what I want to do. so I'm going to focus on one thing at a time, changing one thing at a time. not making excuses, not allowing the actions of others be distractions to my dreams. today, today I'm going to focus on being confident and smiling. and really, really listening to others. tomorrow, who knows what it'll bring.

this

is temporary.

word

couldn't agree more.

peak traffic post

Deciding to catch the bus peak traffic (6pm, when everyone is getting off work and driving home) is probably the most unwise decision I've made all week... but hey, that means more time with you (on this post, metaphorically anyway), right?

My hands are freezing, my legs are cold (I've been saying that a lot lately in my notes, haven't I?) but yet I am filled with warmth. Caught up with a new friend today named marcel. We were in the same cell group at easter camp... he was one of the people I chatted with for hours and hours. So it was cool to meet up with him today. Actually, funny story, he posted a photo of us as his profile pic on facebook the other day and our cell group went berserk over it lols. Cool kid.

You know, amidst all this school stress and getting stuff done and making sure I'm doing enough, meeting my own expectations and trying to do right by Him... there is dissatisfaction sometimes. That I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough. But sometimes, I look around, sunny, and I realise... I have good people around me. Who think I'm worthy. I'm okay. And I'm, good. People who are good to me, even when I am loss as to whether I deserve it.

oh hey, it's may!

sipping on my rockmelon + banana smoothie as I type this,
it's wednesday,
I've only got one class (marketing),
meeting up with a friend (yay!)
and I think, think, today I will have enough time to do everything.

stayed up till 3.30am last night until it was way too cold into the morning to be conscious. legs, hands were freezing. so I went to bed, got up at nine an wheeew woke up feeling great. tired, but great! so here's to a good day, here's to giving our all. let's hustle!

take five

taking five minutes today to quickly write you a little post!

how've you been today, sunny? it's pretty early here, 9.26am. I'm sitting on my bedroom floor after, with the sun rifling in through the sides of the blinds. indeed, there is a german seminar that I'm supposed to be at lecture theatre four right now... but it's not compulsory, so. and I know that sounds slack... but really I haven't been getting anything out of it, so I might as well spend the two hours doing other things like, catching up on my work, vacuuming, practising music.

for a while now, a thought has stuck been sticking out in mind... and that is, I want to do things. I want to go out there, take photos, explore. before I've always thought that it was a matter of choice, you know? like, I could just walk out, take the train and bam, I'm in the city and ready to unleash my explorer instincts.

but it's becoming clearer to me that it's not a matter of choice. but a matter of doing the things I have to, before I go and do things I want to. and man, it's a tough balance when your wanderlust spirits are high. but I've decided to take control today, and the rest of may, to really hone in on my scholar instincts and study hard. work hard, play hard, right?

love you heaps, and here's to a wonderful month ahead. happy may!

phillip phillips

this guy always manages to grab at my heart, and make me smile.
there was also a performance on ellen, and american idol, but I decided to share this one with you. he's just absolutely phenomenal (in my humble opinion, of course).

I want to say

you know, sunny, it was so nice to hear that you had a nice time in miri.

how you were so, so touched and taken by surprise by werner,
how you got to meet up with your friends as planned,
and just take a little break from work, and the daily grind of things.

werner sounds like a truly wonderful person, sunny, and I'm so glad that he showed you what you meant to him. it would have been a shame if he didn't show you... something we've all failed to do at some point of our lives -- to show what those we love just how much we love them. I can't say how much my heart soared for you, when I heard that he had made it a point especially to take a photo with you.

wishing werner all the best in his future endeavours... I'm sure with that loving character, wonderfully level-headedness and maturity of his, he'll be doing great things in life.

my gun loaded

and ready to shoot. shoot goodness, smiles, laughs, happy.
and with that gunfire, I'm going to let every shred of bad energy out into the atmosphere, and bang, there it disappears.

of course, it's much harder than it sounds. but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that if something is making me unhappy, do something about it. make a change. it doesn't have to be a change towards that thing that's making me unhappy, but a change towards a way away from it.

I can feel myself evolving, sometimes. you know, I'd smile on the bus sometimes? like, wow, look at those droplets of rain on the windscreen. little shimmers of happy is a powerful thing, sunny, and I'm just going to soak it in as much as I can. I can't exactly say where I'm going in life, what path I'm on... all these questions shifting in my mind back and forth for the past few weeks... but I can say one thing is sure, I'm on a path. To where? Who knows. I guess we'll find out.

not to care

I'm at the office and it really smells like dettol all over right now, horrible horrible smell. like whiteboard markers, that just sting into your nose. but no more about that now.

it's fascinating how someone can tell you that you're a beautiful person one minute (a point I'd very much like to beg to differ), and hurt your feelings the next.
it's wonderful how a person can text you one morning to disregard their opinion about how you don't need friends, and then tell you that you're a sad, sad person approximately fifteen hours later.
it's all quite new to me, this contradiction thing, and today I just want to let it go. I think sometimes, it is during moments like this that I just really want to disconnect, and save myself from all of it. but then, when you close yourself to bad, you're also closing yourself to good.

so it's a hard draw, but today I've just decided that, you know what? I'll just live to my own jam, and no one else's. I like to think that I've got it pretty good, and I know what a great jam is. jam to my own jam, if you will. and do the things I love, among the things I have to. live a life not bound by others' rules, but liberated by my own. be clear on what I want, and not let others' contradicting ways eat into my own ways of life.

thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts.

a massive amount. and I'm at a point of my life (or phase) right now that I'm grateful for them. not because they're particularly encouraging all the time, but it's nice and freeing to be able to swim in my own thoughts, within my own head. it's liberating. do you ever feel that way?

I mentioned it here before, but I find it increasingly hard to share my thoughts with mum without being shut down. it's just, maybe being an only child and all, sometimes I long to have the kind of intimate mother-daughter relationship that's on the telly, the ones that some of my friends have. and I know, I know that I'm not the only one in this position. but it'd be nice, just once or twice, if she didn't make me feel like my thoughts are so diminutive, so unworthy.

I don't like closing myself on her, but I think at the end of the day it's probably best for the both of us. I like my thoughts freely swimming in my head, and not drowned by floods of profuse condemnation.

a ditty from john

life ain't short but it sure is small

you get forever but nobody at all.

this has been stuck in my head since he sing it the other night. I don't know why but it just resonated so well with me, of all lyrics. what have you been listening to lately?

for me

waiting at the bus stop, my hands are freezing but I've never felt better today until now. I know it sounds silly, and maybe elementary, but today, right now, I just decided not to care about what others think. I'm not overly self-conscious, but when I am, it goes into overdrive and there's no stopping me.

so today, I decided to care about what I care about. life is honestly just too short to worry about what others expect of you. we do things for others, yes, but we can't let our lives be run according to what others want and don't want of us.