gong hei fatt choi!
couldn't stop listening to this song this morning, probably had it on repeat for about ten times now. Happy New Year my dear sunny, hope you have a great one ahead.
Today I'm taking a bus and going to the shopping centre with Kung Kung and Popo to get a present for amy (her 18th party is tomorrow) and seeing my elderly friend at the elderly home. Hope to call you sometime today!
stumble stumble
stumbled upon this by accident today and it made my heart pound a little harder, a little quicker, but also almost still. because of how true it was. john green is one of my favourite authors, I have to say... I didn't think it was possible to have a favourite author after only have read one book of his, but what do you know, john green made it possible.
my heart has been stumbling all over the place lately, but somehow my mind has remained somewhat clear as a cloud. I must have a really, really good filter, I think to myself. it's a filter money can't buy, but boy am I grateful that I have it. because we're not all born with it. I know I wasn't, and that I don't always have the ability to look past things, but sometimes, when I can, it's good. it may not last, but for now it's good enough.
neglected / found
I'm typing this as I wait for Kung Kung and Popo to arrive -- hoping that they're not lost, and also half hoping that if they are on their way, Popo isn't rushing Kung Kung.
I've realised so many things in the short span of six days that they've been here. About myself. About them. And it's just been the kind of realisations, the kind of discoveries that were long overdue.
Right now, sunny, I feel a sense of greater resolve. To be better. Like there's this thing inside of me that wants to rise up and do something. Whatever it is... to do it wholeheartedly. To practice my violin well, to progress further into piano, to become a better piano teacher, to speak cantonese a little better, to read again. All these things, they're not huge. But I've neglected them for far, far too long.
I've realised so many things in the short span of six days that they've been here. About myself. About them. And it's just been the kind of realisations, the kind of discoveries that were long overdue.
Right now, sunny, I feel a sense of greater resolve. To be better. Like there's this thing inside of me that wants to rise up and do something. Whatever it is... to do it wholeheartedly. To practice my violin well, to progress further into piano, to become a better piano teacher, to speak cantonese a little better, to read again. All these things, they're not huge. But I've neglected them for far, far too long.
post weekend
Oh sunny... what a trippy weekend it has been. I'm plain exhausted, even after a short nap today (turns out I haven't lost my mad nappin' skills after all). But it's been a good, solid weekend. It's still all very surreal that Kung Kung and Popo are sleeping upstairs right now, in the room right next to mine. We live in the same house. We breathe the same air. It's hard to believe, and I just don't want to take a second of it granted at all.
Today we went and bought Popo new clothes for the New Year. Actually surprised how into the whole tradition she is--it got to the point where it didn't matter what clothing it was, even if it wasn't her style, she'd ask Kung Kung, "How about this blouse?" and the blouse would be black (so unlike her style) and Kung Kung would say, "I don't think it's your style, haha. But if you're willing to wear it, I'll buy it for you for sure". It was actually really, really funny. We ended up getting her a few blouses, and I even got myself a dress from miller's (Popo's shop!).
Hope to talk to you more soon 3E! Tonight was way too short for my liking xx
Today we went and bought Popo new clothes for the New Year. Actually surprised how into the whole tradition she is--it got to the point where it didn't matter what clothing it was, even if it wasn't her style, she'd ask Kung Kung, "How about this blouse?" and the blouse would be black (so unlike her style) and Kung Kung would say, "I don't think it's your style, haha. But if you're willing to wear it, I'll buy it for you for sure". It was actually really, really funny. We ended up getting her a few blouses, and I even got myself a dress from miller's (Popo's shop!).
Hope to talk to you more soon 3E! Tonight was way too short for my liking xx
the spectacular now
We talked about favourite films on whatsapp recently, and I felt it's only right for me to introduce you to the most recent addition to my list. The Spectacular Now.
It's a film about a guy in his last year of high school who always lives in the now, and has no real plans for the future. There are a lot of layers in the film, and the way it was filmed, scripted, everything... just felt real, and raw, and did I say it felt real? It's not sugar-coated, it's not exaggerated. In that way it may seem like it's boring and uneventful, but to me that's spectacular. It hit reality, unlike most coming-of-age films I've seen. If you have a chance to watch it, I hope you will.
It's a film about a guy in his last year of high school who always lives in the now, and has no real plans for the future. There are a lot of layers in the film, and the way it was filmed, scripted, everything... just felt real, and raw, and did I say it felt real? It's not sugar-coated, it's not exaggerated. In that way it may seem like it's boring and uneventful, but to me that's spectacular. It hit reality, unlike most coming-of-age films I've seen. If you have a chance to watch it, I hope you will.
a little bit of love
I just want to take a moment today to tell you how much I love you.
Sunny, it still amazes me that we're as close as we are today. I would never, for the life of me, have been able to foresee that we are where we are today. We have ups and downs, and I'm really glad that we're there for each other. I'm really glad, grateful, that you are a staple in my life. That you are a part of it, and I can be a part of yours. I feel very privileged.
I'm not sure you know, but I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to friendships. Because I've grown apart from so many friends in the past, I'm a skeptic when it comes to maintaining lasting friendships. Even the ones I have now... I see them as fleeting ones. It's perhaps bad of me, but it makes me appreciate them more, I guess, and it's just the way I am. But with you, it's different. Kinda has to do with the fact that we're family, so you can never really get rid of me. I will always be in your life, wahaha.
I love you, always always more than you know.
Sunny, it still amazes me that we're as close as we are today. I would never, for the life of me, have been able to foresee that we are where we are today. We have ups and downs, and I'm really glad that we're there for each other. I'm really glad, grateful, that you are a staple in my life. That you are a part of it, and I can be a part of yours. I feel very privileged.
I'm not sure you know, but I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to friendships. Because I've grown apart from so many friends in the past, I'm a skeptic when it comes to maintaining lasting friendships. Even the ones I have now... I see them as fleeting ones. It's perhaps bad of me, but it makes me appreciate them more, I guess, and it's just the way I am. But with you, it's different. Kinda has to do with the fact that we're family, so you can never really get rid of me. I will always be in your life, wahaha.
I love you, always always more than you know.
give me my badge and gun
this song... it came on my iPod a few days ago. I had probably listened to it half a dozen times, but somehow this time it was different. It was like john peered into my soul, studied it and somehow made me feel something so raw I couldn't even describe or compare it to anything I've ever felt. I felt a resonance, an aching one, but also one that was comforting.
This song's a beauty, and I hope you like it.
thursday
Having a cuppa coffee for breakfast this morning... haven't done that in a while. It's a cold morning... I woke up actually because I felt cold (but no wonder, I went to sleep in a singlet and a pair of shorts -- practically shot myself in the foot haha).
I actually have no actual plans today, except to clean tidy clean tidy clean tidy. Hoping to build on my music library as well... I always do but never actually have the time. It'd be good to have a couple of playlists on the iPod... nowadays almost all that I listen to is john mayer haha. What about you... what's your go-to? Seeing him in less than 90 days! It's hard to believe that by then so much change will have happened... us moving to a new place, papa moving back, me going to uni. Big life(style) changes.
Did you hear, federer beat murray last night? So now it's federer vs nadal, berdych vs wawrinka semi-finals. I was saying to a friend yesterday, wouldn't it be interesting if federer played wawrinka in the finals? They're both swiss, won gold in doubles during the olympics... so one can assume that they're pretty good friends.
I actually have no actual plans today, except to clean tidy clean tidy clean tidy. Hoping to build on my music library as well... I always do but never actually have the time. It'd be good to have a couple of playlists on the iPod... nowadays almost all that I listen to is john mayer haha. What about you... what's your go-to? Seeing him in less than 90 days! It's hard to believe that by then so much change will have happened... us moving to a new place, papa moving back, me going to uni. Big life(style) changes.
Did you hear, federer beat murray last night? So now it's federer vs nadal, berdych vs wawrinka semi-finals. I was saying to a friend yesterday, wouldn't it be interesting if federer played wawrinka in the finals? They're both swiss, won gold in doubles during the olympics... so one can assume that they're pretty good friends.
spur of a moment
Listening to this wonderful piece right now as I'm typing this... the third movement of the Moonlight Sonata. I'm two movements ahead of myself here, haha, am still learning the first movement. Really great though, not sure if it's your cuppa tea, but man, does it thrill me.
I just got back from officeworks an hour ago... not sure what the equivalent of that is in KK. Oh, I know! AA stationary... that's what Officeworks is to Australia. Did a lot of photocopying, printing and bought a new ink cartridge, because you guessed it, we ran out of ink. At 2:30PM I will be heading down to Monash for an course information session detailing all the units I can enter. Then at 6:15PM Jasmine will be coming over for a session. And I have Rach's 18th at 7:30PM tonight... though really, it's her 18 days and 283 days alive celebration. She didn't have one last year, so she decided to have one today ;)
So that's me today. Heaps of things to do, like wrapping rach's present, writing her a card, and doing the second last bit of cleaning and tidying before my two favourite people in this world come live with me (if I get the time!). For now, I will be off to piano practice, and if I can, violin too!
Wishing you a brilianté day.
I just got back from officeworks an hour ago... not sure what the equivalent of that is in KK. Oh, I know! AA stationary... that's what Officeworks is to Australia. Did a lot of photocopying, printing and bought a new ink cartridge, because you guessed it, we ran out of ink. At 2:30PM I will be heading down to Monash for an course information session detailing all the units I can enter. Then at 6:15PM Jasmine will be coming over for a session. And I have Rach's 18th at 7:30PM tonight... though really, it's her 18 days and 283 days alive celebration. She didn't have one last year, so she decided to have one today ;)
So that's me today. Heaps of things to do, like wrapping rach's present, writing her a card, and doing the second last bit of cleaning and tidying before my two favourite people in this world come live with me (if I get the time!). For now, I will be off to piano practice, and if I can, violin too!
Wishing you a brilianté day.
today in five
Hey there, Sunny!
My day in five:
1/ day out with the girls today, in case you didn't see on facebook -- we went around the city today just in the lookout for pianos to play on. more info here, but pretty much there are twenty four pianos placed all over the city today.
2/ I played on about five today, and it was awesome. Kind of forced by the girls at the start, but as I moved from one piano to the other, it was less forced and more natural. Amy and I even sang Say Something and Let Her Go on the piano together... alone we probably sound dreadful, but together we actually sounded half decent!
3/ Practised both the piano and the violin today, go productivity!
4/ I was on the phone with Popo just now... situation is this: Ah Po talked to me on Sunday, and asked to ask Popo to go over to her place tomorrow to pick up cookies for me. Kung Kung said it's no manners, and so does Popo, that she should have called them, instead of channeling the instruction through me... which I kind agreed with I guess. Actually after the phone call, I thought, "wouldn't it be better, more courteous if she called Popo instead?" If I had thought that during the phone call, I would have asked her to call Popo when the cookies are ready. But ah, well.
5/ Enrolled online tonight -- I'm officially a Monash University student! Have had a good thought about monash actually... but I'll leave that to tomorrow's post!
My day in five:
1/ day out with the girls today, in case you didn't see on facebook -- we went around the city today just in the lookout for pianos to play on. more info here, but pretty much there are twenty four pianos placed all over the city today.
2/ I played on about five today, and it was awesome. Kind of forced by the girls at the start, but as I moved from one piano to the other, it was less forced and more natural. Amy and I even sang Say Something and Let Her Go on the piano together... alone we probably sound dreadful, but together we actually sounded half decent!
3/ Practised both the piano and the violin today, go productivity!
4/ I was on the phone with Popo just now... situation is this: Ah Po talked to me on Sunday, and asked to ask Popo to go over to her place tomorrow to pick up cookies for me. Kung Kung said it's no manners, and so does Popo, that she should have called them, instead of channeling the instruction through me... which I kind agreed with I guess. Actually after the phone call, I thought, "wouldn't it be better, more courteous if she called Popo instead?" If I had thought that during the phone call, I would have asked her to call Popo when the cookies are ready. But ah, well.
5/ Enrolled online tonight -- I'm officially a Monash University student! Have had a good thought about monash actually... but I'll leave that to tomorrow's post!
focus
Woke up at 7:00AM this morning, which was considered too early in mum's books (any time before her wake up is early, ha). Going back on what I said about progress (post below), I realise that to make real progress I must be deliberate. Deliberate, yes, that's the word.
Today I'm meeting up with amy and sonia for a day in the city, just walking around. Will probably spend the whole day with them.
What do you do to focus, 3E? I've been setting weekly goals, five for each week. I usually achieve two or three out of five goals, which is just fine by me. At least I'm doing something, ha. Sorry for missing the post yesterday, I promise I'll be more consistent in the coming days, weeks and months. You can bank on that. ;)
Today I'm meeting up with amy and sonia for a day in the city, just walking around. Will probably spend the whole day with them.
What do you do to focus, 3E? I've been setting weekly goals, five for each week. I usually achieve two or three out of five goals, which is just fine by me. At least I'm doing something, ha. Sorry for missing the post yesterday, I promise I'll be more consistent in the coming days, weeks and months. You can bank on that. ;)
progress
I try not to think about this too much, but sometimes, I worry about not making progress. I worry about wasting time. I worry about not being enough. Sometimes when I do something, I think, is this really benefiting me? I ask myself, Do I really need to be doing this right now? Twenty one days into January, and I feel like progress is not on my side.
Kicked off my violin lessons yesterday (as you know) and it was good. The violin teacher's place is only a ten minutes' walk from my place. We had a talk about what I wanted to do, and he set me a piece and two scales of my choice for practice. I came home, put down my bags, changed and practiced for a bit. It was nice, but I also realised how tiring violin practice can be! The left arm, especially. Haha. It's nice to see music on a violin stand, again. And to know that I'm going to conquer it day by day, and eventually play it smoothly. It's a nice feeling.
Kicked off my violin lessons yesterday (as you know) and it was good. The violin teacher's place is only a ten minutes' walk from my place. We had a talk about what I wanted to do, and he set me a piece and two scales of my choice for practice. I came home, put down my bags, changed and practiced for a bit. It was nice, but I also realised how tiring violin practice can be! The left arm, especially. Haha. It's nice to see music on a violin stand, again. And to know that I'm going to conquer it day by day, and eventually play it smoothly. It's a nice feeling.
sunday
Spoke to Papa tonight... and towards the end he mentioned that he intends to come back early march, to settle in. That is before we move to our new place. So I was hesitant, and said things like, 'oh, just so you know, they say summer is going to be longer this year' when he said he wanted to settle into march because cooler weather is coming in, and 'we've still got your winter clothing, just so you know' when he said he wanted to come earlier because he wanted to buy his winter clothes early.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have said those things. He probably sensed that I didn't want him to come back during that time, only when we moved in (cause I know him and mum would fight a lot about that). And I was so scared after the phone call that his feelings were hurt, and that I had upset him and he would be upset at me sort of thing.
I'm anticipating his move back... I know it won't be easy. I know it'll be hard and life for mum and me will be different again. It'll be back to second doubting myself, wondering if I'm good enough, thinking that I'm not good enough... and ahhh I'm just not sure I'm ready for that yet. But I also want to do what's best for him too, being his daughter and all, I guess.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have said those things. He probably sensed that I didn't want him to come back during that time, only when we moved in (cause I know him and mum would fight a lot about that). And I was so scared after the phone call that his feelings were hurt, and that I had upset him and he would be upset at me sort of thing.
I'm anticipating his move back... I know it won't be easy. I know it'll be hard and life for mum and me will be different again. It'll be back to second doubting myself, wondering if I'm good enough, thinking that I'm not good enough... and ahhh I'm just not sure I'm ready for that yet. But I also want to do what's best for him too, being his daughter and all, I guess.
helping myself
The plan of attack now is to go to the uni on monday, and ask them what I can do to get a place there. Because it's a 0.05 difference! But I know, I know, I can only hope. Mum and I were discussing last night, and she said if I liked the campus so much, I would be able to negotiate my way to Bachelor of Environments, as I had put it down and the ATAR required is lower (I would make it). But I thought about it... and perhaps it would be better for me to do a semester at monash, get good grades and apply to transfer mid year, or even at the end of my first year. That means I will still have some credits left from monash that I could transfer to my study at melb (if I get in).
It would be amazing, though, if I could get in this year.
A colleague just asked me, "so, you found out your results!" I was reluctant to tell her, but I told her the situation. She said, "does it actually count? the 0.05?" I nodded, and said yes. Told her I got accepted into monash as well, and she said, "oh, well, monash is really good as well!" -- similar to what everyone is saying. I kind of didn't have a response for her... haha, even though I know she meant well. And I know, Sunny, I know it's good as well. I keep telling myself, "Monash, good, Monash, good" -- trying to force the idea that I love Monash... but at the end of the day, I don't find it appealing. When I went on Open Day, I just didn't quite like the campus... and it just didn't grab my heart like melb did.
It seems pedantic of me, it seems stubborn of me... and I'm trying so hard to not lead myself down that pathway. I will accept Monash's offer, but I do hope a better one comes along. I know I'm already extremely blessed to be able to go to uni, so I'm trying to keep that in mind as best as I can.
It would be amazing, though, if I could get in this year.
A colleague just asked me, "so, you found out your results!" I was reluctant to tell her, but I told her the situation. She said, "does it actually count? the 0.05?" I nodded, and said yes. Told her I got accepted into monash as well, and she said, "oh, well, monash is really good as well!" -- similar to what everyone is saying. I kind of didn't have a response for her... haha, even though I know she meant well. And I know, Sunny, I know it's good as well. I keep telling myself, "Monash, good, Monash, good" -- trying to force the idea that I love Monash... but at the end of the day, I don't find it appealing. When I went on Open Day, I just didn't quite like the campus... and it just didn't grab my heart like melb did.
It seems pedantic of me, it seems stubborn of me... and I'm trying so hard to not lead myself down that pathway. I will accept Monash's offer, but I do hope a better one comes along. I know I'm already extremely blessed to be able to go to uni, so I'm trying to keep that in mind as best as I can.
it's not all good
Didn't write yesterday... I think you can guess why.
It's hard not to be bitter about it, 3E. There are so many reasons to be bitter, and it sucks, sucks, sucks. It's got to the point where I just don't know what to say anymore. It frustrates me, saddens me, disappoints me. I cried while watching the telly yesterday, silent tears pouring down. I broke, when I talked to Kung Kung on the phone last night. In three words, he was able to describe what I wanted to say, but couldn't bring myself to say: 不公平. And that's what it was... it just felt unjustified on so many levels.
I think two reasons that really got to me was:
1) it was a 0.05 difference from my actual score. It made all the excitement, happiness I felt when I first saw my score, worthless. And I hated that, but that was how I felt.
2) my friends who got lower marks than me, got in to the same course, in the same university. I was happy for them, really, I was... but I thought, "if they could get in, there are probably a lot out there with special circumstances who can." Should I have talked about Papa in my application?
It may have been arrogant of me, but I thought I was 70% there to getting in. But turns out, I was just so close, but not close enough. I'm angry at myself, too, because of how I'm reacting. I'm usually so cool about these things, accepting of my circumstances, but somehow with this, I just couldn't turn around and say "oh, it's all good."
It's hard not to be bitter about it, 3E. There are so many reasons to be bitter, and it sucks, sucks, sucks. It's got to the point where I just don't know what to say anymore. It frustrates me, saddens me, disappoints me. I cried while watching the telly yesterday, silent tears pouring down. I broke, when I talked to Kung Kung on the phone last night. In three words, he was able to describe what I wanted to say, but couldn't bring myself to say: 不公平. And that's what it was... it just felt unjustified on so many levels.
I think two reasons that really got to me was:
1) it was a 0.05 difference from my actual score. It made all the excitement, happiness I felt when I first saw my score, worthless. And I hated that, but that was how I felt.
2) my friends who got lower marks than me, got in to the same course, in the same university. I was happy for them, really, I was... but I thought, "if they could get in, there are probably a lot out there with special circumstances who can." Should I have talked about Papa in my application?
It may have been arrogant of me, but I thought I was 70% there to getting in. But turns out, I was just so close, but not close enough. I'm angry at myself, too, because of how I'm reacting. I'm usually so cool about these things, accepting of my circumstances, but somehow with this, I just couldn't turn around and say "oh, it's all good."
distrusting
I was talking to mum last night, when she asked how the session with jasmine went today. And I told her she was doing really well, actually quite good at sight reading. And I said, "she's done pretty good, after not having touched the piano for half a year!" Mum, being a distrusting self, said "you believe that?" I replied, "sure". And then mum replied back, "she might have lied, you never know. I don't believe that she hasn't touched her piano in half a year. Not everyone is honest like you are."
"There's not harm in believing," is all I said.
Maybe I trust too easily, but really, I just take people's words as they are. Doing that doesn't harm me, at all, not in these situations anyway. It's another reminder of how different I am from my mother, haha. We're so so different. If I wasn't her daughter, she probably wouldn't trust me and doubt every second word of mine.
Buuuut it's okay. Lesson with jasmine went well yesterday; not that I did much, just pointed out alternative fingers to use here and there, plus how to focus on that one bar. She's coming over again today, just for a practice after work. We actually spoke in both cantonese and english the whole time; me in english and her replying in cantonese, and vice versa -- as we're both not comfortable speaking the respective languages. I thought the whole situation was kind of funny, and I really want to get better at my cantonese, but seriously I don't know how to say things most of the time. Even hakka comes sooner to me than cantonese, wakaka!
I know that if I told mum this, she would find another reason to look at jasmine differently, so I thought, why bother. Just kept it to myself.
"There's not harm in believing," is all I said.
Maybe I trust too easily, but really, I just take people's words as they are. Doing that doesn't harm me, at all, not in these situations anyway. It's another reminder of how different I am from my mother, haha. We're so so different. If I wasn't her daughter, she probably wouldn't trust me and doubt every second word of mine.
Buuuut it's okay. Lesson with jasmine went well yesterday; not that I did much, just pointed out alternative fingers to use here and there, plus how to focus on that one bar. She's coming over again today, just for a practice after work. We actually spoke in both cantonese and english the whole time; me in english and her replying in cantonese, and vice versa -- as we're both not comfortable speaking the respective languages. I thought the whole situation was kind of funny, and I really want to get better at my cantonese, but seriously I don't know how to say things most of the time. Even hakka comes sooner to me than cantonese, wakaka!
I know that if I told mum this, she would find another reason to look at jasmine differently, so I thought, why bother. Just kept it to myself.
weeeednesday
Hey, 3E! How's it going?
Today is hot hot hot! as per yesterday. Rundown on this week's weather...
yesterday: 43
today: 42
tomorrow: 42
friday: 41
I don't think we've ever had weather like this before, all in a row. It's pretty crazy, but I'm pretty happy hibernating right here in the comforts of air-conditioning in mum's room. Finally finished my blog design, now I've just got to touch up here and there... when you see it you're probably going to be like, 'this took her a few days to design?' Yes... most of web coding for me is trial and error, research, plus having things just the way I want can be tricky sometimes. It's looks clean, simple -- just the way I pictured it to be.
Another thing... today, I'm going to teaching a piano lesson. Mui Yee Po's daughter-in-law Jasmine is coming over to "learn" from me, or as I like to say, "learn together". I'm a bit nervous, for sure, but I do hope that she can somehow benefit from me. Haha. That's what I'm most nervous about, haha. But yeah, we'll see how I go -- hopefully well!
Today is hot hot hot! as per yesterday. Rundown on this week's weather...
yesterday: 43
today: 42
tomorrow: 42
friday: 41
I don't think we've ever had weather like this before, all in a row. It's pretty crazy, but I'm pretty happy hibernating right here in the comforts of air-conditioning in mum's room. Finally finished my blog design, now I've just got to touch up here and there... when you see it you're probably going to be like, 'this took her a few days to design?' Yes... most of web coding for me is trial and error, research, plus having things just the way I want can be tricky sometimes. It's looks clean, simple -- just the way I pictured it to be.
Another thing... today, I'm going to teaching a piano lesson. Mui Yee Po's daughter-in-law Jasmine is coming over to "learn" from me, or as I like to say, "learn together". I'm a bit nervous, for sure, but I do hope that she can somehow benefit from me. Haha. That's what I'm most nervous about, haha. But yeah, we'll see how I go -- hopefully well!
friendship
Hi there, Sunny! Happy Tuesday to you.
Popo was kinda gushing about her friend a few nights ago, talking about how she always brings cookies for Isaac, in exchange for the braised pork Popo makes for her. Except, this in exchange concept was different with this friend -- she brings cookies and other gifts to Popo not only "in exchange", but because it's a friend thing to do. In fact, it wasn't about the cookies, really.
It's because she treasured Popo as a friend, and Popo's efforts also.
And I told Popo, "Popo, you know what kind of people I like the most? The kind that appreciates you, and all that you do for them."
And it's true. It's such a change that there comes along a person who really appreciates Popo, who doesn't just strike a conversation, or call her, because they want her to do something for them. I'm so glad that Popo has found a friend in her. You know, she told me that they became friends through picking out garlic at the supermarket and just striking up a conversation there and then, and bloom, a friendship is bloomed. Popo's friend's daughter had asked her mum how she and 黄婆婆 met, and her mum told her, she said, 这样都有的！Haha, I thought it was pretty cool.
It's just nice, that someone (apart from us) really appreciates Popo. Maybe someday I'll make a friend picking grapes, hahaha. But for now, I will stick with you, Sunny! ;)
Popo was kinda gushing about her friend a few nights ago, talking about how she always brings cookies for Isaac, in exchange for the braised pork Popo makes for her. Except, this in exchange concept was different with this friend -- she brings cookies and other gifts to Popo not only "in exchange", but because it's a friend thing to do. In fact, it wasn't about the cookies, really.
It's because she treasured Popo as a friend, and Popo's efforts also.
And I told Popo, "Popo, you know what kind of people I like the most? The kind that appreciates you, and all that you do for them."
And it's true. It's such a change that there comes along a person who really appreciates Popo, who doesn't just strike a conversation, or call her, because they want her to do something for them. I'm so glad that Popo has found a friend in her. You know, she told me that they became friends through picking out garlic at the supermarket and just striking up a conversation there and then, and bloom, a friendship is bloomed. Popo's friend's daughter had asked her mum how she and 黄婆婆 met, and her mum told her, she said, 这样都有的！Haha, I thought it was pretty cool.
It's just nice, that someone (apart from us) really appreciates Popo. Maybe someday I'll make a friend picking grapes, hahaha. But for now, I will stick with you, Sunny! ;)
you built your wall so high, so no one could climb it
That's a lyric from the song Beneath Your Beautiful... I'm listening to a cover of it right now as I'm writing this to you. And sadly, honestly, it's true for many of us. We start by building a ledge, but then we carry on laying more and more bricks... till it becomes a wall.
I think you're probably the one in my life that could really understand when I say that I find walls comforting. Not in the I-feel-sorry-for-myself-I-want-to-get-away-from-everyone kind of way, but there is just a sense of peace that I find in being behind a wall. With you, of course, it's different. But most of the time, I have a wall. Sometimes, I'm a wall.
Ever since I shared with Amy about Papa, I've felt like that wall has been slowly stripped down. Of course, I will always find a reason to lay another brick on -- but at the same time, sharing these things with Amy, and you, too, I felt more human. I had never told anyone about his illness... because it never was something I felt affected me that much. I saw him, not his sickness. But through Amy, and also talking to Kung Kung and you, I learned that all the normal that I dealt with, was, in actual fact, not normal. It wasn't my responsibility, it was their issue. Not mine. Till now, though, I have to say I'm finding it hard to grasp that concept. I know it's there, but... it's hard to grasp.
No, I don't think my wall is completely gone. In fact, it's not necessarily stripped down... but learning to let someone in behind my wall, is probably something I will take from 2013 with a smile.
I think you're probably the one in my life that could really understand when I say that I find walls comforting. Not in the I-feel-sorry-for-myself-I-want-to-get-away-from-everyone kind of way, but there is just a sense of peace that I find in being behind a wall. With you, of course, it's different. But most of the time, I have a wall. Sometimes, I'm a wall.
Ever since I shared with Amy about Papa, I've felt like that wall has been slowly stripped down. Of course, I will always find a reason to lay another brick on -- but at the same time, sharing these things with Amy, and you, too, I felt more human. I had never told anyone about his illness... because it never was something I felt affected me that much. I saw him, not his sickness. But through Amy, and also talking to Kung Kung and you, I learned that all the normal that I dealt with, was, in actual fact, not normal. It wasn't my responsibility, it was their issue. Not mine. Till now, though, I have to say I'm finding it hard to grasp that concept. I know it's there, but... it's hard to grasp.
No, I don't think my wall is completely gone. In fact, it's not necessarily stripped down... but learning to let someone in behind my wall, is probably something I will take from 2013 with a smile.
halves
Dearest Sunny,
I believe every person has halves. By halves I mean we have two voices in our heads. The wise one, and the not so wise. And recently, I discovered another set of halves in me.
Half one
I'm waiting. Waiting for some to bad to happen. Something that will tear me down. Something miserable is coming my way, I just know it. What could it be? I ask myself. So I wait.
Half two
What's the point of waiting, half one? Is it going to happen sooner just because you worry? There's no point in worrying, no point in dedicating spaces of your mind, your attention to something that is a figment of your occasionally pessimistic imagination. Don't indulge in that. It will do you no good, you know it and I know it.
I believe every person has halves. By halves I mean we have two voices in our heads. The wise one, and the not so wise. And recently, I discovered another set of halves in me.
Half one
I'm waiting. Waiting for some to bad to happen. Something that will tear me down. Something miserable is coming my way, I just know it. What could it be? I ask myself. So I wait.
Half two
What's the point of waiting, half one? Is it going to happen sooner just because you worry? There's no point in worrying, no point in dedicating spaces of your mind, your attention to something that is a figment of your occasionally pessimistic imagination. Don't indulge in that. It will do you no good, you know it and I know it.
sweet friends
I went out with Sophia yesterday (as you know), and it was the nicest thing I've done in a while. We had lunch and talked, and talked, and talked. Walked around the shopping centre, stopped by the bookstore (where she went on to pick out every single classic literature and doctor who book no the shelf), and then back to gloria jeans (coffee shop) for a cool drink. It was really the nicest, and I have to say, I haven't enjoyed company like that in a while.
Sophia and I have been following the show Sherlock, and it's become a tradition somehow that we discuss the episodes -- especially since the show hasn't rolled out a new season for nearly two years... until a week ago. Anyway, the most recent episode featured John's wedding with Mary, where Sherlock gave a best man's speech that almost brought tears to my eyes. The episode really honed in on the friendship between Sherlock and John... and something that Sophia and I really connected to (apart from the fact we dub ourselves to be Sherlock-her and John-me haha).
I wrote to her, "I know people say actions speak louder than words. But sometimes, words speak just as loud."
What she replied me came as a complete surprise. She wrote the sweetest things to me, saying I was one of the truest, kindest people she knew, and how she can always be herself around me, knowing that I won't judge her. And so much more. I'm pretty sure my heart burst and welled up in all the happy, grateful and yes, disbelief in the world. Finding it hard to believe that someone thinks so much of me, that I'm making a happy difference, a happy addition in their lives.
Sophia and I have been following the show Sherlock, and it's become a tradition somehow that we discuss the episodes -- especially since the show hasn't rolled out a new season for nearly two years... until a week ago. Anyway, the most recent episode featured John's wedding with Mary, where Sherlock gave a best man's speech that almost brought tears to my eyes. The episode really honed in on the friendship between Sherlock and John... and something that Sophia and I really connected to (apart from the fact we dub ourselves to be Sherlock-her and John-me haha).
I wrote to her, "I know people say actions speak louder than words. But sometimes, words speak just as loud."
What she replied me came as a complete surprise. She wrote the sweetest things to me, saying I was one of the truest, kindest people she knew, and how she can always be herself around me, knowing that I won't judge her. And so much more. I'm pretty sure my heart burst and welled up in all the happy, grateful and yes, disbelief in the world. Finding it hard to believe that someone thinks so much of me, that I'm making a happy difference, a happy addition in their lives.
redesign
I'm redesigning my blog, and in the midst of doing it, I find that I'm learning something about myself. It probably won't come as a surprise to you, but I'm indecisive. In the redesign process of my blog, I am once again reminded of this. And also, that I'm inevitably undeniably a perfectionist, perhaps? No no, that's not it. I think my blog is a big part of my life (which I've never realised), and I realised that when I went through a few drafts, thinking this is not a reflection of who I am. It might sound pedantic, but I want my blog design to reflect me. Who I am as a person, presented on a platform made of lines, accents, a conglemeration of fonts and colours.
It's coming together... in fact, after two days working on a design and implenting it, I scraped it altogether and worked on another design just two hours ago. While mum was watching the telly (man in the iron mask -- starring leonardo), I was half watching with her and sketching out my ideas.
This is really what I enjoy most Sunny, and part of me does hope that this will become a reality, a part of my life. That it will somehow one day work its way to becoming a job, even a part time, hobby job.
It's coming together... in fact, after two days working on a design and implenting it, I scraped it altogether and worked on another design just two hours ago. While mum was watching the telly (man in the iron mask -- starring leonardo), I was half watching with her and sketching out my ideas.
This is really what I enjoy most Sunny, and part of me does hope that this will become a reality, a part of my life. That it will somehow one day work its way to becoming a job, even a part time, hobby job.
my top ten
So, Sunny... you shared your top ten (ahem, eleven? haha, ten ten.) with me a few days ago. I gave it a great thought on what my top ten would be... and ah it's hard. Is a song worthy of a top ten a song that I had on repeat, playing over and over again? Is it one that made my heart ache? Is it a song, that understood me, even when few can? Or is it, all of the above?
Without further ado, here is my list! Click on the song title if you fancy a listen :)
MY TOP TEN (AHEM, ELEVEN) LIST
arranged according to the time I liked the song
1// Feel Again – OneRepublic
2// Gray Paper – Yesung
3// I Will Be Found (Lost At Sea) – John Mayer
4// Love Love Love – Roy Kim
5// Miss America – James Blunt
6// Sense – Tom Odell
7// Can't Hold Us –Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
8// Holes – Passenger
9// Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel
10// I Need You Now – Olly Murs
11// All of Me – John Legend
Without further ado, here is my list! Click on the song title if you fancy a listen :)
MY TOP TEN (AHEM, ELEVEN) LIST
arranged according to the time I liked the song
1// Feel Again – OneRepublic
2// Gray Paper – Yesung
3// I Will Be Found (Lost At Sea) – John Mayer
4// Love Love Love – Roy Kim
5// Miss America – James Blunt
6// Sense – Tom Odell
7// Can't Hold Us –Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
8// Holes – Passenger
9// Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel
10// I Need You Now – Olly Murs
11// All of Me – John Legend
wavelength
Throughout our lives, we're going to meet people who are on the same wavelengths as us, and many more that are not on the same wavelengths on us... in fact, for some, we even wonder if they're on a wavelength at all. But I think if any wavelength matters, it's the one shared between a mother and her child.
I've realised recently, that mother and I are not on the same wavelength. And it is, I've decided, not something that will be cured, through time and maturation. It's not a matter of age... but a matter of personality, different mechanism and way of thinking. It's not that we fight a lot, or if at all. In fact, there are times in which I will say, "you know that thing, I'm not sure..." and she'll know exactly what that thing is -- even though I've only spoken about it once before, just briefly. And moments like that, are gold. Pure gold.
But I know, in actual fact, we're not on the same wavelength. There are times, where she'll talk, and I'll listen... and I don't know, it's not something I can put my finger on, it's not something tangible, which makes it so much harder to describe. We have different ways of looking at things, perhaps shaped by our experiences and how we were rooted as people.
And don't get me wrong, I like that, very much.
I'm just glad we're able to make it work, everyday, even though had we been the same age, we'd be the complete opposites of each other. I wish I could share more with her--my thoughts, my feelings, me--but sometimes wavelengths of different origin, forever running on lines that don't meet end to end, don't permit that.
I've realised recently, that mother and I are not on the same wavelength. And it is, I've decided, not something that will be cured, through time and maturation. It's not a matter of age... but a matter of personality, different mechanism and way of thinking. It's not that we fight a lot, or if at all. In fact, there are times in which I will say, "you know that thing, I'm not sure..." and she'll know exactly what that thing is -- even though I've only spoken about it once before, just briefly. And moments like that, are gold. Pure gold.
But I know, in actual fact, we're not on the same wavelength. There are times, where she'll talk, and I'll listen... and I don't know, it's not something I can put my finger on, it's not something tangible, which makes it so much harder to describe. We have different ways of looking at things, perhaps shaped by our experiences and how we were rooted as people.
And don't get me wrong, I like that, very much.
I'm just glad we're able to make it work, everyday, even though had we been the same age, we'd be the complete opposites of each other. I wish I could share more with her--my thoughts, my feelings, me--but sometimes wavelengths of different origin, forever running on lines that don't meet end to end, don't permit that.
a funny conversation
One night, I was just about to do the dishes when I noticed that Mum had already washed the pan she cooked dinner in (chicken, egg, carrot, cabbage/lettuce on mee-hoon, if you must know). Our conversation went down something like this:
me: aw mum! did you wash the pan already?
mum: ya...
me: aw, you shouldn't have!
mum: well, you could do it again if you want to... I don't mind paying for the extra water
hahahahahahahaha oh, I just about died dead.
and that's my mother and your sister for you. at her finest.
me: aw mum! did you wash the pan already?
mum: ya...
me: aw, you shouldn't have!
mum: well, you could do it again if you want to... I don't mind paying for the extra water
hahahahahahahaha oh, I just about died dead.
and that's my mother and your sister for you. at her finest.
hobby
"What would you say my hobby is, Michelleeeeee?" asked one of my friends, Khim.
Lately I've been getting questions like this. "What would you say my hobby is?" or "What do you think I'm good at?" or "Describe me in three words". (The latter two were from EE.) And it makes me ponder, funnily, do I just seem like I've got the answers? I try to answer as best I can, and as honestly I can. Questions like these asked to another, and not yourself, may seem silly, but sometimes... others do know us a little more than we know ourselves.
After suggesting one or two hobbies, my response to khim was that a hobby is something we love doing, something that we enjoy no matter how many times we've done it before. First thing that comes to your mind--that's your hobby! is what I told her. But, if nothing comes to mind, maybe it's time to find a new hobby.
I sympathised with her, too, and said I understood her dilemma. When we're five, we're like "I have a million hobbies!" but nowadays we kinda have two to three, if we have any. Because not many things are that new to us anymore. Little by little, they simply become a part of our lives and not special enough to be classified a hobby. It's a bit sad, but it's the honest truth. There comes a point in our lives where there aren't many firsts anymore, and things just don't impress on us like they did when we were five.
Lately I've been getting questions like this. "What would you say my hobby is?" or "What do you think I'm good at?" or "Describe me in three words". (The latter two were from EE.) And it makes me ponder, funnily, do I just seem like I've got the answers? I try to answer as best I can, and as honestly I can. Questions like these asked to another, and not yourself, may seem silly, but sometimes... others do know us a little more than we know ourselves.
After suggesting one or two hobbies, my response to khim was that a hobby is something we love doing, something that we enjoy no matter how many times we've done it before. First thing that comes to your mind--that's your hobby! is what I told her. But, if nothing comes to mind, maybe it's time to find a new hobby.
I sympathised with her, too, and said I understood her dilemma. When we're five, we're like "I have a million hobbies!" but nowadays we kinda have two to three, if we have any. Because not many things are that new to us anymore. Little by little, they simply become a part of our lives and not special enough to be classified a hobby. It's a bit sad, but it's the honest truth. There comes a point in our lives where there aren't many firsts anymore, and things just don't impress on us like they did when we were five.
happy days
Happy Sunday, 3E!
I have approximately exactly $15.66 in my bank account, and $8.10 in my wallet right now. Where did all the money go? I asked myself, and it was only moments after that a smile began to widen across my face. Memories started to surface -- like treating mum to a late lunch, meeting up with friends on several occasions, buying a john denver cd (can you believe it was only eight bucks? eight bucks? he's worth way more than that!), my monthly sponsor fee to help out a boy in Rwanda and coffees I couldn't do without on sleepy mornings. They were genuine feel-good moments, and I'm glad I had the money, the means, to accommodate them.
And don't worry, I have another savings account that has a bit more than $15.66.
I am thinking of getting a second job, maybe at a fast food chain, to earn something more on the side. But will probably do that after uni starts. For now, I'll just stay put because Kung Kung and Popo are coming and after all, I'm the highlight of their trip!
I have approximately exactly $15.66 in my bank account, and $8.10 in my wallet right now. Where did all the money go? I asked myself, and it was only moments after that a smile began to widen across my face. Memories started to surface -- like treating mum to a late lunch, meeting up with friends on several occasions, buying a john denver cd (can you believe it was only eight bucks? eight bucks? he's worth way more than that!), my monthly sponsor fee to help out a boy in Rwanda and coffees I couldn't do without on sleepy mornings. They were genuine feel-good moments, and I'm glad I had the money, the means, to accommodate them.
And don't worry, I have another savings account that has a bit more than $15.66.
I am thinking of getting a second job, maybe at a fast food chain, to earn something more on the side. But will probably do that after uni starts. For now, I'll just stay put because Kung Kung and Popo are coming and after all, I'm the highlight of their trip!
say something
"I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl."
I've heard this song recently on the radio, but never would I have guessed that it featured christina aguilera. Her voice is soft, haunting and mellow in the song... a far cry from her usual belting out of high notes. So why am I linking you to a cover, and not the actual song? Because I like this one. Just so much emotion, and pure sincerity. Still split between this and the original, but sometimes, we just shouldn't compare. And I'm not going to this time, because this cover is just near perfect and I could listen to this all day.
mess
It had been a few days, when I realised that my house was a mess (and it still kind of is now). My fridge was a mess with no actual order, the table in the kitchen had an assortment of things strewn all over it, the bathroom floor needed a good wipe and things kind of were just everywhere in the living room... there wasn't really an order. It wasn't like King Kong stepped all over those house kind of mess, but it was still messy (you know what I mean).
For a few days, I left it... simply because I didn't have the time nor the energy to do it all. And also... because it didn't bother me that much. The house wasn't dirty, no, it was just messy. I remember a week ago, when I had pointed to a bunch of bags of mum's to her and asked her to sort it out, cause it was at best, clutter -- her response? "The house isn't messy, it's just lived in". And we all know lived in is just another fancy, in-denial term for messy, ha.
So my house was lived in. But... I realised one thing I had never felt with any state of mess.
I am grateful for mess. I am grateful that there's so much food in my fridge that I can sort out and put in their rightful deck, a table of an assortment of things that I had used during different times of the day--evidence that I did something today. Mess is a proof of life--and when it comes to my house, I liked it. There is a sense of freedom in that, just letting things go for a bit.
For a few days, I left it... simply because I didn't have the time nor the energy to do it all. And also... because it didn't bother me that much. The house wasn't dirty, no, it was just messy. I remember a week ago, when I had pointed to a bunch of bags of mum's to her and asked her to sort it out, cause it was at best, clutter -- her response? "The house isn't messy, it's just lived in". And we all know lived in is just another fancy, in-denial term for messy, ha.
So my house was lived in. But... I realised one thing I had never felt with any state of mess.
I am grateful for mess. I am grateful that there's so much food in my fridge that I can sort out and put in their rightful deck, a table of an assortment of things that I had used during different times of the day--evidence that I did something today. Mess is a proof of life--and when it comes to my house, I liked it. There is a sense of freedom in that, just letting things go for a bit.
hard to believe
It's hard to believe that Isaac is starting primary four today. Primary four! I whispered to myself, as I was driving yesterday. I can't believe the boy that I used to play peek-a-boo with, while he sits obediently in his little mickey mouse rocker chair, and the boy I know today is the same person. I guess it's partly to do with the fact that we're both bigger and older now -- different people than we were years ago.
His conversation with you about it being "another year of you scolding me, us fighting" always makes me laugh, ever since you told me. It's funny, but the honest truth too! Love this boy... it is so like him to say something like that, haha.
This year will probably be stressful for you guys with his academics getting harder and harder, deeper and deeper, but I'm sure you'll pull through! You made it through last year, didn't you? Take it one day at a time, and before you know it, we're approaching the first of the first again.
His conversation with you about it being "another year of you scolding me, us fighting" always makes me laugh, ever since you told me. It's funny, but the honest truth too! Love this boy... it is so like him to say something like that, haha.
This year will probably be stressful for you guys with his academics getting harder and harder, deeper and deeper, but I'm sure you'll pull through! You made it through last year, didn't you? Take it one day at a time, and before you know it, we're approaching the first of the first again.
an introduction
My dearest Sunny,
Today, I decided to create a blog, just for you. Yep, that's right -- just for you. Ain't that great?
With a new year rolled in, one thing I really want to make sure I do this year is to really connect with those I love and let them know how much I love them. And I realise, that in many ways, I do this through words. I know what people say about actions speaking louder than words, but I think this--this blog, in itself--is an action. On days where we don't have much time to spare for each other and haven't been on LINE much all day (sometimes this happens, although I hope not all the time, because I would start having my sunny withdrawal haha!), this is where this blog comes in.
Everyday, I wish to leave a note here for you. You don't have to check in everyday, but just know, that there will be one waiting for you every single day. I promise.
Today, I decided to create a blog, just for you. Yep, that's right -- just for you. Ain't that great?
With a new year rolled in, one thing I really want to make sure I do this year is to really connect with those I love and let them know how much I love them. And I realise, that in many ways, I do this through words. I know what people say about actions speaking louder than words, but I think this--this blog, in itself--is an action. On days where we don't have much time to spare for each other and haven't been on LINE much all day (sometimes this happens, although I hope not all the time, because I would start having my sunny withdrawal haha!), this is where this blog comes in.
Everyday, I wish to leave a note here for you. You don't have to check in everyday, but just know, that there will be one waiting for you every single day. I promise.
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