my mind made up and I can't let go

ryan tedder just never fails to impress.

 I still haven't decided whether I'm a fan of this song or not... I think it all depends on one's mood, but definitely, definitely been listening to this on repeat tonight. his voice and stage presence is phenomenal.

dancing slowly in an empty room

it's near 12am and I'm sitting here, in front of my laptop, can't sleep. reflecting, thinking, wondering about this life of mine. I feel the deep urge to write, like there's something breaking out of me. I guess lately I've been having these existentialist thoughts, and wondering what exactly I am doing with my life and whether I'm making it worth the while. sometimes, really, I feel like I'm wasting it. I guess it's just the fact that I haven't found my place in this world yet.

I don't feel rooted yet. I don't feel held... and maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing.

sometimes I feel spoilt having thoughts like this. it's just, it's not that I'm not grateful for this life of mine. I feel gratitude everyday... like today, when a man with a guide stick approached me as I got on the bus, 'what bus is this?' even before I got on, I saw he had approached every single bus that arrived at the bus stop, stepping into each bus and asking the bus driver 'what's this bus?' when I saw that, and when he spoke to me, and thanked me, I felt grateful. that I had eyes to see even the simplest things like numbers on the bus.

and then, today, I also received my fee statement for semester two. and as I forwarded it to mum, I added a note in the email: thanks for paying for my education, mum. it was a simple note, but I really did feel grateful as I wrote it. I know asians tend to pay for their children's education, but really, she isn't obliged to, sunny. she doesn't have to. I could have just become australian, and pay back my fees to the government when I start working... something that I'm sure many of my friends are doing.

and then, when I signed into the blog tonight, I was surprised to find a '1' next to the comment bubble in my last post. things are okay, but yes... been tired lately, I am living within a human shell after all. I'm only doing the best I can, and it's enough.

so yes... those are my thoughts for the night. not sure if they make sense.

im possible

just want to take a moment tonight to just breathe, and be myself for a minute here. haha. just finished up a 90mins visual arts exam, and have now got back to my main campus, to do some studying till 9pm (when the library closes). I'm tired, exhausted, I'll admit, but even within that there's a desire to succeed. and it's not one of those overachieving I want to succeed! I must succeed! desire. just wanting to succeed, because I know I can if I put in the work sort of thing.

and the fact that I don't want to waste my near four thousand dollars per semester education, so, you know, gotta put in the hard work.

there are moments in the day where I feel overwhelmed. like, today when I finished an essay and then the teacher turns around and says, 'hey, here's the book that we want you to include in your essay, two days before it's due' like it's no problem, even though my whole essay is done, referenced and near edited. so to include the book is like to essentially rewrite at least half my essay. which I've got no time, no energy for. times likes these... it's just frustrating. a little bit. when the world seems to hand you more lemons than you have juicers for. my tastebuds for lemons are near numb, I tell you, haha.

but other than that, I know that once I get through these three weeks, I'll feel much more relaxed, and that feeling is nice. sure, there are times when things seem impossible, people seem impossible... but I have to remind myself that I'm possible.

send

it's been really hard to put into actions what I feel lately. slowly, yes, I'm able to put it in to words, something that I'm getting better at lately. and there's something about that... that I'm proud of. it feels like I'm finally standing up for myself. not in a loud way, but a clear way.

there are things I wish I was better at, sunny. I think we all have that. it's more than just imperfections... because I think we all know we are imperfect and there are just some imperfections that make us who we are and that's fine. and then there are those that get us down... and recently I feel like I've been let down by others' perceptions of my imperfections. and I feel like screaming, 'can't I just be left alone to figure it out myself?' I'm almost saying, 'let me make the mistake that you think I'm about to make, because I don't want my next mistake to be involving you'.

so... I'm going to slowly and readily clear my palette. I have to admit, it hurt to send in my resignation to the conference. but there was a tiny sense of relief. I had to make it very clear to myself that I'm not letting this go just so that I will get papa and mummy off my back, but because I need to, to refocus my focus. because I want to. and that's when I hit the send button.

let

let be, let be.

the voice

judges' take on each other's songs. awesome stuff.

wednesday note

I'm waiting for my bus to caulfield, standing next to a tree with my back soaking up the sunshine. Wearing a floral motif dress with the light cardigan that I bought at cotton on, kk (remember the one?), my hair is loosely tied up in messy bun, with curtains of fringe flowing lightly on either side of my face.

You could say I'm lost. Unsure. Conflicted. But you could also say that I'm growing. What is growth without discovery? And what is discovery without uncertainties? It's taken a while to get here, but today, I decided one thing for good: to live up to my own expectations. Not all of them, just one at a time, and ones that are important to me.

And if I can't do that, I shouldn't expect myself to live up to others' expectations.

open your eyes

didn't touch my heart as much as I thought it would, but ed's voice is beautiful... and I, I just felt a need to share this with you today for some reason. 

"and I know these scars will bleed / as both of our hearts, bleed."

lately

recently I've learned that the human will is not as simple as I made it out to be. it's complex, it's hard to change, even when you really crave it. for a while now I thought I was doing fine, being the change that I want to be... and then I realised amongst it all I lacked one thing. support. and it's harsh, when really you're just trying to better yourself.

I'm trying not to get caught up in all and just work on being myself, and doing what I want to do. so I'm going to focus on one thing at a time, changing one thing at a time. not making excuses, not allowing the actions of others be distractions to my dreams. today, today I'm going to focus on being confident and smiling. and really, really listening to others. tomorrow, who knows what it'll bring.

this

is temporary.

word

couldn't agree more.

peak traffic post

Deciding to catch the bus peak traffic (6pm, when everyone is getting off work and driving home) is probably the most unwise decision I've made all week... but hey, that means more time with you (on this post, metaphorically anyway), right?

My hands are freezing, my legs are cold (I've been saying that a lot lately in my notes, haven't I?) but yet I am filled with warmth. Caught up with a new friend today named marcel. We were in the same cell group at easter camp... he was one of the people I chatted with for hours and hours. So it was cool to meet up with him today. Actually, funny story, he posted a photo of us as his profile pic on facebook the other day and our cell group went berserk over it lols. Cool kid.

You know, amidst all this school stress and getting stuff done and making sure I'm doing enough, meeting my own expectations and trying to do right by Him... there is dissatisfaction sometimes. That I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough. But sometimes, I look around, sunny, and I realise... I have good people around me. Who think I'm worthy. I'm okay. And I'm, good. People who are good to me, even when I am loss as to whether I deserve it.

oh hey, it's may!

sipping on my rockmelon + banana smoothie as I type this,
it's wednesday,
I've only got one class (marketing),
meeting up with a friend (yay!)
and I think, think, today I will have enough time to do everything.

stayed up till 3.30am last night until it was way too cold into the morning to be conscious. legs, hands were freezing. so I went to bed, got up at nine an wheeew woke up feeling great. tired, but great! so here's to a good day, here's to giving our all. let's hustle!

take five

taking five minutes today to quickly write you a little post!

how've you been today, sunny? it's pretty early here, 9.26am. I'm sitting on my bedroom floor after, with the sun rifling in through the sides of the blinds. indeed, there is a german seminar that I'm supposed to be at lecture theatre four right now... but it's not compulsory, so. and I know that sounds slack... but really I haven't been getting anything out of it, so I might as well spend the two hours doing other things like, catching up on my work, vacuuming, practising music.

for a while now, a thought has stuck been sticking out in mind... and that is, I want to do things. I want to go out there, take photos, explore. before I've always thought that it was a matter of choice, you know? like, I could just walk out, take the train and bam, I'm in the city and ready to unleash my explorer instincts.

but it's becoming clearer to me that it's not a matter of choice. but a matter of doing the things I have to, before I go and do things I want to. and man, it's a tough balance when your wanderlust spirits are high. but I've decided to take control today, and the rest of may, to really hone in on my scholar instincts and study hard. work hard, play hard, right?

love you heaps, and here's to a wonderful month ahead. happy may!