phillip phillips

this guy always manages to grab at my heart, and make me smile.
there was also a performance on ellen, and american idol, but I decided to share this one with you. he's just absolutely phenomenal (in my humble opinion, of course).

I want to say

you know, sunny, it was so nice to hear that you had a nice time in miri.

how you were so, so touched and taken by surprise by werner,
how you got to meet up with your friends as planned,
and just take a little break from work, and the daily grind of things.

werner sounds like a truly wonderful person, sunny, and I'm so glad that he showed you what you meant to him. it would have been a shame if he didn't show you... something we've all failed to do at some point of our lives -- to show what those we love just how much we love them. I can't say how much my heart soared for you, when I heard that he had made it a point especially to take a photo with you.

wishing werner all the best in his future endeavours... I'm sure with that loving character, wonderfully level-headedness and maturity of his, he'll be doing great things in life.

my gun loaded

and ready to shoot. shoot goodness, smiles, laughs, happy.
and with that gunfire, I'm going to let every shred of bad energy out into the atmosphere, and bang, there it disappears.

of course, it's much harder than it sounds. but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that if something is making me unhappy, do something about it. make a change. it doesn't have to be a change towards that thing that's making me unhappy, but a change towards a way away from it.

I can feel myself evolving, sometimes. you know, I'd smile on the bus sometimes? like, wow, look at those droplets of rain on the windscreen. little shimmers of happy is a powerful thing, sunny, and I'm just going to soak it in as much as I can. I can't exactly say where I'm going in life, what path I'm on... all these questions shifting in my mind back and forth for the past few weeks... but I can say one thing is sure, I'm on a path. To where? Who knows. I guess we'll find out.

not to care

I'm at the office and it really smells like dettol all over right now, horrible horrible smell. like whiteboard markers, that just sting into your nose. but no more about that now.

it's fascinating how someone can tell you that you're a beautiful person one minute (a point I'd very much like to beg to differ), and hurt your feelings the next.
it's wonderful how a person can text you one morning to disregard their opinion about how you don't need friends, and then tell you that you're a sad, sad person approximately fifteen hours later.
it's all quite new to me, this contradiction thing, and today I just want to let it go. I think sometimes, it is during moments like this that I just really want to disconnect, and save myself from all of it. but then, when you close yourself to bad, you're also closing yourself to good.

so it's a hard draw, but today I've just decided that, you know what? I'll just live to my own jam, and no one else's. I like to think that I've got it pretty good, and I know what a great jam is. jam to my own jam, if you will. and do the things I love, among the things I have to. live a life not bound by others' rules, but liberated by my own. be clear on what I want, and not let others' contradicting ways eat into my own ways of life.

thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts.

a massive amount. and I'm at a point of my life (or phase) right now that I'm grateful for them. not because they're particularly encouraging all the time, but it's nice and freeing to be able to swim in my own thoughts, within my own head. it's liberating. do you ever feel that way?

I mentioned it here before, but I find it increasingly hard to share my thoughts with mum without being shut down. it's just, maybe being an only child and all, sometimes I long to have the kind of intimate mother-daughter relationship that's on the telly, the ones that some of my friends have. and I know, I know that I'm not the only one in this position. but it'd be nice, just once or twice, if she didn't make me feel like my thoughts are so diminutive, so unworthy.

I don't like closing myself on her, but I think at the end of the day it's probably best for the both of us. I like my thoughts freely swimming in my head, and not drowned by floods of profuse condemnation.

a ditty from john

life ain't short but it sure is small

you get forever but nobody at all.

this has been stuck in my head since he sing it the other night. I don't know why but it just resonated so well with me, of all lyrics. what have you been listening to lately?

for me

waiting at the bus stop, my hands are freezing but I've never felt better today until now. I know it sounds silly, and maybe elementary, but today, right now, I just decided not to care about what others think. I'm not overly self-conscious, but when I am, it goes into overdrive and there's no stopping me.

so today, I decided to care about what I care about. life is honestly just too short to worry about what others expect of you. we do things for others, yes, but we can't let our lives be run according to what others want and don't want of us.

I hope you know

I hope you know that on days, like today, when I haven't whatsapped you much...

... it's not because I'm not thinking of you.

I hope you know that when I don't call you...

... it's not because I'm not thinking of you.

I hope you know that when I don't post here...

... it's not because I'm not thinking of you.

Because, more than anything, I'm thinking of you when I'm not having direct contact with you. I think of you, a lot, sunny, sometimes about what you're up to, what you've been up to and how you've been feeling lately. I cast my thoughts towards you, everyday. And I want you to know that... that you're always thought about. <3

don't hold back

I'm going to stop holding myself back, starting today.

me in a dream

would have another part-time job

would have my own bed (so I can go to bed showerless sometimes)

would wake up early in the morning

and go to bed early at night

would get around to watch a movie, any movie

would make and cook dinner every night

would have a tidy table

would finish the storybook that I've had for more than four months now

would have fitting underwear (this is an issue, I need to go shopping soon)

would be a perfecto pianist (but I'm getting there, I think)

would have my p's and driving to and back from uni everyday

all this is to say, I wish I was in more control of my life. most of this is really all my fault and all up to me, so I really need to get a grip of myself and get a good move on. some of it, I can't control. dissatisfied, I am, and I just feel like all dissatisfaction is throwing me into a bottomless pit. it just doesn't help, that those around me, are almost encouraging that lol. at least that's how I feel right now, though I know I'm probably wrong and shouldn't feel this way.

writing my own story

yes, I think you mentioned that the other day. how you wished for me to be able to write my story soon. I wish I could, too, sunny, because I think I'd be really good at it. given the freedom and the courage to step on people's toes a little, I think I'd be able to. and by people, haha, of course I mean mum.

actually there's something that's been on my mind lately. but I don't know how to approach it. ... I want to just have my own bank account. right now, mum has access to my account, and it's not that I mind... actually yes I do mind. because I often feel like I don't have control over my account, like I don't know exactly how much I have. and because of that, I'm not really learning to save. she's doing that for me, by transferring $200 of my funds to another account to earn more interest.

but really, I don't really know how much of what's in my account is mine (because she gives me $120 allowance now since uni started). plus other stuff, so money is here and there and everywhere. so I'm thinking, if I do end up getting a job, that I'll just open another account at my credit card's bank provider. I just don't know whether that'll offend her somewhat. am I being a bit too much? I don't know. actually this has been on my mind for a while, but I don't know how to approach her about it. any ideas?

midnoon observations

• I spend a good part of the afternoon searching up restaurants I'm going to try for my day's lunch takeaway... tis a weekly routine of mine, but when my colleague comes around, I'll always say, "don don number two please". That's soy pork on rice, so soooo good and economical. ;) I'm like an old lady when it comes to food, I take the same thing over and over again.

• Needless to say, this 'research' makes me even more hungry during this part of the day. It's 2pm and I want my lunchie, man! So hungry right now.

• My colleague just caught me looking at photos of food. conversation goes down like this... 'you looking at food?' 'ya, I'm sooooo hungry...' 'what are you looking at?' -I brighten the screen and it's just a google images page filled with thumbnails of calamari strips- 'yeah, I don't know how to explain that...'

• food off the top of my head that I really really want to try:
• rice paper rolls (oh my gosh I've been craving this for weeks!)
• sugarbun (yes! they opened up a sugarbun here about half a year ago. I don't even know why I'm so excited, since I never even went to one in malaysia lols)
• the hot dog roll down at snag stand (just because eating foods that you know aren't good for you is a good liberation every once in a while)
• anything with hot chips, I will have
• or just food. I will have any sort of food right now.

invisible

I stumbled across this the other day, and I must say, it brought a lump to my throat. I've never been bullied before... but to think that there are childen, teenagers out there, so young and so unprotected, have to deal with this everyday. man.

yo!

haha never thought I'd open a blog post gangster style, but I guess it had to happen someday. yo! how're you today this sunday?

I must admit, on sundays when I work, it's generally a good one. I love how it's usually sunny on a sunday, and everyone is just so much more relaxed now that the idea of 'weekend' has settled in. I'm the same.

yesterday we spent a good part of the day hanging out with ah mee gugu and her husband, and it was just good. have you met him before? he's very different from ah mee gugu, man of few words, six foot three tall and has a deep voice. you never really know what's quite on his mind. he'll ask you a question, you'd answer, add a little more detail to start a conversation, but the conversation just stops there. and five minutes later, he'll ask another question haha. it's been a while since I've come across people with few words (I'm usually more of the one), so it was different, but cool too. he spoke english to me most of the time, and was most surprised when he learned that I knew how to speak mandarin, haha. why is it always a surprise, man? I'm chinese, after all!

today will be a quiet day at work (I hope), so I get most of the stuff I brought to work done and dusted! I have so many lectures to catch up on, readings to do, notes to make... ah the perils of a student. but on the other hand I'm trying my hardest not to pressure myself to do too much, but just get as much done as I can. you know the feeling?

thankful

in light of what I just wrote, I think it's just as important to say that I'm thankful. and list a few things that I'm grateful for this week.

thankful for the rain.
thankful for three days, which has worked as a counterproductive tool to keep me productive.
thankful for sleep.
thankful for you.
thankful for my little short chat with 3E chang. you have no idea how much it meant to me.
thankful for the 65% that I just got for a mediocre essay I wrote in a rush, which will empower me to work a little better, a lot better come next essay.
thankful for words.
thankful for hands.
thankful for eyes.
thankful for God.
thankful for hot showers in the coming winter.

thankful for having things to be thankful for. always.

rut

these past few days, I'm trying to look inward instead of outwards. to look what I have within. because at the end of the day, that's all that matters, right? right on.

but recently all I've been finding is rut. and oh how I hate rut. it's this sickly, ungrateful being that sticks around like a leech. it's amazing how we can find things that we aren't happy with so easily, and when we do, we just lament over it. I guess when you've been hurt one, two, three times, it starts to leech onto you. hurt, I believe is like a magnet. one hurt leads to the recollection of other hurts that you think you have put past you. and tonight, if I may, I'd like to lay it all out before I progress into the weekend.

mum has been quite hurtful recently. it's over jasmine, and this time I just let it go because I know I needed to. so I said to her, 'clearly you are more important to me than jasmine. so if you want, she won't come anymore.' the thing is, I feel quite bad about letting her go, because recently she shared with me that she's having much more interest and passion in music because of our weekly lessons. she'd share new adele pieces that she bought, and also even poems that she wrote (for me to check, and share my take on). certainly, I don't feel a friendship blossoming here, but there is something, something here. mum doesn't like her and doesn't want me to be around her, because her values are completely different from mum's. it just hurts, because in the first place, mum agreed to let me choose but all along she just wanted me to say no. and when I said yes, well, she just fumed, as if no was the only answer I had the option of giving. I feel like she's taking something away from me, and it hurts... and to some extent, I feel boxed in.

I feel boxed in, to the point where I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling anymore. like, it's not worth the effort. like what you said the other day, it's stale. who wants stale, right? with jasmine that night led to mum sounding her displeasure of my uncertainty over what I want to study. all along I had believed that I had her support, and then out came those words flying at me, the opposite of what she had been saying to me. it's hard to deal with hot and cold, support and rejection... I don't even know what I'm dealing with anymore.

and something that I think I've kept subconsciously in the back of my mind... but finally came to light today. I am also hurt, by my friends. I realised that I was the one making all the effort, writing texts and calling them up to check on them, ask them how they're going with everything. but apart from that, there is no correspondence from them. usually I'm not panged by this -- in fact, this stuff doesn't even occur to me unless mum brings it up... but I guess with all that's been going on, yeah, this was hard to swallow. and then there's stuff like, 'oh, maybe you should be glad that you're at monash because the course here in melbourne is so hard...' and I'd say, 'oh, but we're doing the same course?' and she'd reply, 'yes I know, but it's much harder at melbourne' which I know is meant to be assurance, but still, it pangs. as though I'm having a much easier time. but with some stuff you've just got to man up.

maaaan, I feel like I've written you a whole essay up there. if you made it this far, well done! seriously, you deserve a gold star. I just gotta let this out and go before it consumes me during the weekend. thanks for reading, I hope to inject more positivity in future posts xxx

five minutes to 9

deleted the blogger app off my phone a few days ago... before realising, well, I'm probably not gonna have any blog posts up unless they're written on the go.

it's friday, the end of the week. and I must say, this week has gone by real quick, just flew by without me realising it. I'm now at my 9am marketing workshop... turned up for once; actually quite proud of myself hahaha. I'm real excited about this upcoming Easter break, but of course there's a part of me that's like, "don't expect too much because it might not live up to your expectations". ha. anywaaaay so that's me today, what's up with you?

p.s. started watching 3 days last night after a good day of productivity and wow! class show, man. class.

the secret to happiness

touched my heart today.

inward out // 1

lots have been on my mind lately and like today, I don't know where to begin. but I'll begin somewhere, I guess, and I hope by the end of this, I will reach a destination. ha. destinations... I guess that's where the problems begin in the first place. for the past few weeks I've been looking for that destination, to head that direction... because all of a sudden it seemed I was heading the wrong way -- people close to me certainly weren't afraid to let it show. hey, they would say, I'm always here for you and support you in all you do... but what you're doing right now sucks. it took me a long, long time to actually get that hint under all the pretence that my own mother was giving out.

and then all of a sudden, right there and then, I thought, what's wrong with the path I'm on right now? and the thing is, it was everything and nothing all at the same time. everything, because it may not lead me somewhere. nothing, because this is what I'm darn good at. and heck, I'm going to give what I'm good at a go, right? it made perfect sense to me, even though those around me made the path I'm on so wishy washy. and it hurt, man, it hurt. suddenly it became my fault that I didn't want to take science in school, suddenly I was made to feel like I'm wasting money doing arts, suddenly... it just took the life out of me and I was left dead in the confidence zone.

my confidence went way down and I no longer knew myself for a few days. but I let it sit with me because I knew, I just knew I needed to. so I held onto this person that I didn't know for a few days, maybe even let it stretch out for a week, because I think subconsciously, under all of it, I needed to know where this is who I want to be. and of course, it wasn't.

good vibes

it's a beautiful life if we want it to be.

these are the words that lay within me today, as I start another new day.

I have heaps on my backlog, heaps of appointments in the next week, but I believe, and because I believe, I know I'll have a good week.

I do wonder sometimes if I am doing too much, but then again, it never feels like too much unless someone brings it to my attention. making connections with people is what matter to me right now, so whether that is through teaching the piano, volunteering at a few places in a week, it all matters because I feel like I'm doing something, that something is what I love.

it was your birthday yesterday, and today I pray that you will have a wonderful year ahead 3E. I pray to God that He will guide you and give you strength and courage to go about your daily life, daily struggles and face things that tear at your heart. I pray that the year ahead will only pull us closer, as the previous years did. You are very dear to me, sunny, and I love you oh so very much. You are always in my heart, my thoughts, always in me... even days when I feel like your neighbours have deserted me.

one

found this by chance today, and what a gem it is. sometimes the 'recommended for you' tab on youtube really does reel in goodies, I tell ya.

thanks for specially telling me today what's been going on in everyone's minds, and by everyone I mean Kung Kung and EE. I still haven't decided how, and when to tell them; I'll probably do it through letter. it's a funny feeling... thinking that people think you have such an inferiority complex. the ideas just seem so foreign to me, that time and time again I try to put myself in the idea they have of me, but yet... it's just impossible. because I'm just not like that, you know? haha, you'd know.

it doesn't really bother me, really, but of course a bit of that iffy feeling lar. like, wow, really? but really more than anything, I don't want them to worry and speculate about something that is non-existent; and make things a bigger deal than it actually is.

and she whispers

There are words that I hold close to my heart, myself, and I rarely, never really, let them out entirely. When I do, it's fragments, little peeks between the barriers of my heart. No, I wouldn't call them barriers. But I guess there are just things that we hold close to us, things that we think, feel, that sits so deeply, so dug into our hearts, that it almost feels like we're betraying ourselves if we tell another soul.

But those words came around again, tonight, softly whispering into my ears...

Did you know, that when I think about this life I have ahead of me, I'm scared? I'm scared about not having the chance, not having the fate, to do things. That whoosh, life will just surpass me and one day I'll wake up not being able to do the things I once dreamed. By things, of course, I mean one particular role... a role that I'm scared I won't have the fate to carry. Of course, in life, things happen and things don't happen. But thinking about not being able to... not having it in my life... it pangs my heart and brings a sour, salty taste into my heart. I don't know why, but suddenly, this has meant so much to me.

Of course, I still have all this life ahead of me, and perhaps I need not worry about these things... yet. But yet, because it means so much to me, it's hard not to lay a thought on it every once a while.