beauty

So short story short, I left my keys in the house and am now on my way to the city to get mum's house key. And sunny, today I feel beautiful. How, I don't even know. I'm in the world's laziest put together clothes - a loose white tee, black tights and runners. RUNNERS... the one thing I probably swore off wearing outside in the public when I was younger. Ten year old me was so sure I had fashionista downpacked, yo.

But yes, I feel beautiful! And confident, and good. All started to turn around today when I got your LINE message, and as soon as I went for a long loooong walk and got back, my spirits were lifted. As I opened my front door, a lady friend and mum surprised me. Said lady friend is in her fifties, and has invited me over to her place next week. Said lady friend thinks I'm somewhat cool, and deserving of her friendship - feeling quite blessed that people like having me in their lives.

What are you up to today, sunny? Anything happening over the weekend? Tell me tell me tell me, I want to know :)

depending on yourself

I feel so bad right now, because I feel like I was being a total arse at my violin lesson today... unengaging, attention span breaking. My violin teacher was trying so hard to strike up a conversation today, but I was almost like a wall, answering "yep", "oh yeah?" and laughing when I felt like the moment called for it. I felt like a wall today, and it just felt awful. I felt like the worst person in the world, because it probably seemed like I didn't want to be there.

Thank you for listening to me last night... I really needed that. There's going to be so much change, outside of me and within me these few weeks. I just hope that whatever happens outside of me, that the inside of me will change for the better. I want to so desperately be a better person, sunny. I don't feel whole, right now, and I so desperately want to be whole. I guess that's up to me, isn't it? I don't have Kung Kung and Popo to make me feel whole anymore, haha.

I really want to say, it's not all bad. This is just one aspect of my life, be it a big aspect, but it's just one aspect of my life that is negative, that is uncertain. But I shouldn't let one big ball of uncertainty overcloud all the other certainties in my life, you know? There is you, there is Kung Kung, Popo, Isaac, 3E Chang and EE. There is university to keep me busy, and maybe even some friends there? There is growth that I can venture into and submit myself to, within the world of music, of violin and piano. These are all positive, worthy aspects of my life that I'm trying to keep a firm grip onto, and I think I'm doing a good job. Thanks for being there always, you will always been the sun in my life.

hey

Words... are usually my refuge when it gets hard. Most of the time, I'm able to literate what I feel into words, or at least do half the justice my feelings deserve. But recently, it's been hard to put them in words, because I've grown so numb to these feelings, they no longer have weight. Kind of like when you're carrying three grocery bags in each hand, on your way to the car, and halfway through, they didn't feel as heavy as they did before. Or when you go out underclothed and it feels freezing at first, but two minutes into the walk, you're so frozen you no longer feel the cold. These, these are at least physical fragments of my daily life that I can make comparisons to in terms of where I'm at now, but even then, I feel like my words are misplaced, thrown around with no place to land.

You know, I set up mum and my room tonight and it's taken me a long time to decide which side of the bed I should sleep on. Should I sleep closer to the door? Or would it be safer to sleep on the side farthest away from the door, so that I'll feel a little safer, more protected should papa come in and argue with mum? But wouldn't it be better, if I slept closer to the door, so maybe he won't feel as agitated? But then, it'll be as though he's yelling at me, because I'd be closer to the door, to him.

Such are thoughts that cross my mind, and you may think it's insignificant, illogical, but to me, which side I choose matters. Halfway through, I thought, "I shouldn't have to worry about this." but I do.

sweating

was sweating over the tiniest thing tonight, and thankfully my subconscious nudged me in the right direction, that sounded a lot like:

so I stopped, and took everything into perspective, and thought, "it's a small thing. it can be fixed tomorrow, go to sleep now." and sometimes, we're stuck in the moment, and all it takes is a lightbulb to go off to snap out of it.

soooo about my last post

reporting from my office today, yes m'am yes! So mum just remembered this morning while I was half awake that I was supposed to help out today at the office. Our accountant had taken leave, and to assist the other accountant, I'll be doing cashier for most of today.

I'm a lot less crushed than I thought I'd be. in fact, I'm not even crushed haha. just, 'oh it's fine' kind of attitude today. which is jolly good. catching up with amy tonight over dinner, where she will be passing me my new instax camera (shoosh! don't tell mum that I broke the other one wahaha). if I do manage to get off early today, I'll be walking around, maybe grabbing coffee and reading a good book, going to the bookstore for another book and lunching with the mother (kalau dia ada masa la...).

so sorry that I forgot to express post the nick vujicic books over to you! I had it written in my planner and everything... but just happened to not to look at the planner on friday. man... I'll just have to give it to you when we see each other in vietnam, hey? speaking of which, what dates will you be joining us in vietnam?

tomorrow / today

I say tomorrow, but really I should say today. It's monday here, 24/02, 12:43AM.

I'm listening to forgetting again as I type this. And I think, that's what I'm going to do for the time being. At least for the most part of tomorrow. I'm checking out movie times later; plan on going for a movie tomorrow and spending a nice quiet day in the city. Sounds good, doesn't it? I think I just need a good day out to gain some perspective on what's about to come my way. And right now, a day in the city sounds right. On my own, to clear my mind, even for a while.

smiling

Just saw the photo you posted of Isaac with his new toy (thanks to Kung Kung and Popo!) and it made me smile. I have to pinch myself every now and then when I see a new photo of him... because he's so big now. Still young enough to have the face of a boy, but behind that smile, I can sometimes see a thirteen or fourteen year old Isaac coming through.

You know, I still can't imagine what he'll look like a few years from now... because he's got that boyish look still, but somehow I can envision a bit of what he'll be like as he gets older. Just a bit. It's funny, because it's normally the other way around... but I can see more of his personality shining through these days. Maybe because he's older now, he's less shy (he now talks to me on the phone, what?!) ... whatever it is, it's really great.

forgetting

a song I've been listening to on repeat. in truth, we forget most of the things we experience. and only retain what we thought we saw, or what we want to believe. never in the exact, precise carbon copy of what actually happened. we forget.

loving men socks and quirks like that

I wrote a little about quirks last week, mostly on noticing little quirks about those around me, being Kung Kung, Popo and Mummy. That's it, "being". I think our little quirks do add to our being, to who we are without much pretence. It's what makes us a little unique, a word which I don't really like to use, because more than unique, it makes us, US.

And every now and then, someone would say something about me, and I'd realise that it's a quirk of mine. So without further ado, here are some of my quirks, along with the quotes that made me notice them in me.

1. "Are you feet cold?" they weren't, as it wasn't that cold that day, but I like wearing socks around the house, my feet dug deep into my boots. Especially men socks. Now that I think about it, I only wear men socks nowadays.

2. "You'd like this" was what someone said to me when they're watching a show where someone was getting beaten up repeatedly. And... I don't know how to put this.. but I have a soft spot for watching guys getting beaten up. As in, when I watch a movie for a second time, I will actually fast forward to the scene where the main guy gets beaten up, watch it, and then proceed to watch the rest of the movie. I fast rewind back to that scene again once the movie finishes. I like watching people, men, get beaten up in movies, I don't know why. Of course, in real life it's different, but in movies, oh boy I swoon for that stuff.

Everyone who I've met looks at me weird when I tell them, proceeds to tell me I'm weird and possibly not human, but you know, I can't help it.

3. "You what?" Yes, I take showers with no light on, even when it's not earth hour day. No m'am, it doesn't scare me, and yes, it's my favourite part of the day.

4. I still have an ongoing fear for showerheads and dolls. Seriously, I don't know why they even exist.

5. I feel really, really bad for the friend who goes to pee in the middle of a movie and comes back whispering to me, "what just happened?" and I know that no amount of my library of vocabulary can ever enunciate what had just happened. It's up to a point where I just feel so bad for them, like I was the one who had gone to pee.

What are your quirks?

thoughts

Had so many of them today. I think, on the outside, I was having a good day, having done quite a bit and having a friend drop by just to drop off a belated christmas present (and if there was a contest for best christmas present, she would win it, belated or not haha). And in many ways, I guess, it felt amazing to receive a mailed letter along with the present and card--a reply from a letter that I wrote some months ago (same friend). It's thoughtful, it's small, delicate acts -- but they matter, so so much.

But I can feel the thoughts swarming over my head like flies on a hot day. You push them away, but they come back to you, nevertheless, just from a different direction but to the same destination. A dead end destination, where thoughts almost go on a ridiculous loop, repeating over and over again, nearly echoing the unassuming words "how am I going to face this?" followed by "there's just no actual way, I don't know" or "some things just don't change, can't change. We can't change the way we react."

I thought it was acceptance that I struggled with. That it was just acceptance. But I realise, now, that more than anything, I struggle with making peace with uncertainty. How does one even do that? I don't even see it as a struggle though... but just part of who we are as human beings. I have a bunch of scenarios built up in my head, and I know what they say, worries are problems that have not happened yet...

...but surely experience from the past advises us otherwise.

whole

Life is not perfect, and people are most definitely not perfect. Far from it. As individuals, we are imperfect and flawed, among many things. But when I look at you, 3E Chang and Hung Hung, I can't help to think that you're whole. No, don't get me wrong, you're all imperfect and flawed in your own ways (cause you're  h u m a n), but you make each other whole. You motivate each other to do better, to go deeper and you challenge each other to think differently (you know, I could say argue, but sometimes the stuff works and you come out of the other side a better person). Not all families can do it, sunny, and all things aside, I think you guys are so awesome as a family (not like you didn't know already). So here's congratulations to you for being a mother for eleven years, here's to infinity and beyond.

8am reporting

Not sure when you'd read this post, but a part of me hopes it won't be this morning because I don't want you to worry. You needn't worry, anyway.

Mum and I were awoken at 4ish am today, because Kung Kung was unable to pee and poo even though he really needed to, so we went to the hospital. He wasn't only unable to poo, but unable to pee as well; meaning the bladder was pushing onto the urinal tract. He had not been pooing since day before yesterday.

Everything went good from there; the people at the hospital were wonderful. After a minor procedure (soapy water up there), Kung Kung was able to pee and poo. We got out at 6:45AM, all very much relieved I'm sure. Especially Kung Kung, physically and mentally.

My first time at the emergency area today, and it was just so good that Kung Kung is better now. Going out in half an hour to get some medicine for him, just to make his poo softer so he can poo easier. Probably getting coffee too, ha, extra shot today. Tried to go back to sleep, but I, like Popo, are just creatures of the morning so it's hard for us to go back to sleep after waking.

Good day to you. Not to worry at all; after peeing and pooing, Kung Kung felt like his old self again. 

you is

I have a million things going through my head right now, and I just know I can't possibly write it all in the one post. So I thought I'd share with you a quote tonight, one of my favourites from the movie THE HELP.

"You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important."

Kind, smart, important -- those are the three areas family makes us feel, or at least fools us into thinking that we're not lacking in. And I love that. Family does that without us even realising it; but truly, they do. It's kind of awesome, and we don't feel like we don't deserve it, because let's face it, family is the kind of people who will tell you you look crap first thing in the morning (mum is living proof of it, the woman does not lie to me), so they're (probably too) honest.

I'm realising now that you probably can't connect with the quote all that much seeing as you haven't seen the movie, but when it was said, I couldn't help but think that those who care about us constantly regurgitate that quote and remind us that we are Kind, Smart and Important... just in different ways.

heart

three things I'm loving right now,

1/ watching kevin hart interviews, LOVE this guy. so so funny, born to be a comedian

2/ funny one liners from Popo

3/ listening to the continuum album by john mayer. not long before I see him!

break

I think it's so awesome that you are thinking to level your phone bill to what you truly need. Experimenting with phone prepaid plans.. and see which one suits you the best. It's great, and again goes back to the 'only use what you need', and I love that. There is satisfaction in that, and I believe in it.

And seriously if this was mum, she would say it's a sign, but I've decided not to go for the Samsung Galaxy S4 because of what you shared with me today. I seriously gave it a thought, and it was like, "do I, seriously, need a new phone?" The answer was no. This phone, as laggy as it is sometimes, it still works mostly fine. I could go down to the $35 prepaid plan, and get $500 worth of calls and texts as well, plus 1GB data. It was the same thing, but without the phone.

But... at the end of the day, it's not about the money. $15 isn't that much ($50-$35), even when you multiply it by 12 to accumulate it to a year's worth. The need just isn't there. I use my phone to call, text, whatsapp, line, facebook and instagram. That's all I do. And some of these things... I could use a break from, and I know getting a shiny new phone with a big attractive screen isn't going to give me that.

So... that is all to say that I'm taking a break from facebook... for real this time. I was thinking to take a break from instagram, too, but I just got the hang of it, of daily posts, so I think I'm going to continue that. But my policy now is... see something worth snapping? Okay, capture it, put your phone back where it was and enjoy the moment. You know, I was on the train with Kung Kung and Popo today, and I hated that I was checking out the maps (though necessary) to figure out where we were going to go instead of talking to them. And during morning tea at a bakery, I was taking five minutes to quickly reply an inbox instead of focusing on the morning tea itself, and appreciating the moment and their presence in it.

That's when I realised... this has to stop.

So yes, I won't be getting the Samsung. Waving goodbye to facebook for at least a few months. Do you still do messenger? We could chat there, if you run out of data. And oh, thank you for clarifying my first world problem, even if it was unknowingly. I appreciate it. ;)

you

Out of the blue today, after a session with jasmine, I decided I needed some air. So I upped and went for a walk, just like that. And guess who I thought about as I was walking?

You, of course.

You, and you only. And about what you're going through right now. About twenty thoughts were going through my head at the same time, but not one of them said 'ask sunny to forgive, look past it and accept'. And it's probably bad of me, but it just feels wrong to ask you to accept something you clearly have been struggling to come to grips with for the past week or two. So I'm not going to do that. There are just certain things we can't "look past", after all. 

Being a wonderful person that you are, I'm sure many of the church friends you surround yourself with are also good people like you are. I think, that's why this is hard. There are so many facets that make up a person, and the friends that you are disappointed in right now, I'm sure have many good qualities and are good in many ways. But this, this thing they did/have been doing, is a thorn. A thorn which none of the good qualities can seem to redeem. It's true, we judge people based on their decisions -- some we look past because of their circumstances, but when it's by choice and not by circumstance, it's hard to accept the entirety of their being, despite all their good qualities and mannerisms.

I wish I could hug you right now, sunny. I wish I could physically give you comfort, and make your swollen heart feel a little less bruised. Just know, I'm always here as a listening ear. In fact, I want to listen sunny. I'm always here for you, even when no one seems to be. Even if you just want to chat, I'm here to chat about anything and everything. How awesome I am, for instance. I don't believe we've talked about that quite enough. ;)

freedom

Thought it was nice of you all to join EE for dinner tonight to celebrate her freeeeedom! She sounded so happy on the phone when she called me at around 6PM, and I was happy for her too. At the same time, I know a little bit of worry is also on her mind. Of course, she can get on just fine with her tuition, as she has done between jobs in the past. But I know it can't be easy for my EE, as well, accustomed to hunting for new jobs a lot of her life. It's something I applaud her for doing, too - leaving a job when she's no longer happy in it. I'm not sure I'd have the courage to do that when I get into the real workforce.

quirks

Family quirks are kinda the best. And over the last few days, I've got to know a few of Kung Kung's and Mummy's and Popo's. I don't think quirks are necessarily something that a person does all the time, but just certain mannerisms that make you, you.

Like last night, Kung Kung and I took the trash downstairs (we're staying on the top floor), and on our way back up stairs, I said, "wow, it really is quite cool" and he said, "cool?! More like really cold". And then when we made it into the apartment he shuffled like a penguin and went "brrrrrrr", doing all kinda of actions showing that it was really cold outside. It was all kinds of funny, and something I want to bottle up and remember forever.

happy

video taken ten minutes ago, random random stuff!

sleeeep

attempting to wake up at the unearthly hour of six am tomorrow to catch the sunrise, so to make sure that actually happens I gotta get to sleep asap. it's actually not too late here now, a mighty 11:18AM. Kung Kung and mummy are watching a chinese film right in front of me in the living room, Popo's asleep. day's been good, tiring, but good and relaxed in a way as well I guess. want to share something with you too, and that's a new blog post on my other not-as-special-as-this-blog blog. hahaha.

so click here to have a read and browse; I'm pretty sure I didn't share the photos from my day with sonia and amy, with you. but if I did, hahaha too bad! adieu for now xx

choo choo train

I'm on the train home now. I'm hungry. A girl behind me won't stop going on about food, which... doesn't help at all haha. I have a book open, "The Book Thief"... it's good to read, it's good to read.

It's been a productive day at work today, sunny. I ran some personal research / phone call related errands whilst I half worked, and just had a lot ticked off at the end of the day. I've still gotta practise my piano and violin when I get home, of course. But sometimes, you just look at the day, and you think, "wow, I did all that". Gotta say, it doesn't happen a lot around here, so today's a rare one.

It's forty one degrees today (or it's supposed to be), but I had no idea because it felt like a freezer in the office with me right under the aircon. Days like this I feel enormously grateful for aircon.

on the road

I'm on the road to home after a great night at sophia's. Her family is great, sunny, and I just really enjoyed the company of such a wholesome family. I know that we never really know the struggles of a family beneath the surface, but to me, they just have it all together. And it's nice to see, you know. We laughed, talked and just had a good time.

We had a bit of a swim in the pool, and watched 'The Help' -- a movie I plan to finish watching tomorrow. It's such a good one, sunny, if you have the chance, please watch it.

My heart is full, and it is heavy. Full, because I just have such a great family of friends. Yes, family of friends. Amy texted me after our catch up today, and she said that regardless of what she is going through, she doesn't want me to feel that I can't talk about Papa. I didn't expect that, nor did that even occur to me, but my heart was just... I don't know how to explain it, but it was a wonderful surprise and I felt cared for and loved, in so many ways that I hadn't felt before.

familial feel

So tired right now, sunny. 'twas a good day though. We went to visit fung len and her family today, and it was great -- so nice to see all of them interacting. I thought, "how nice to see all these old folks chatting so happily." I was sitting in between fung len and Popo, and they spoke in hainanese the whole time. Everyone there was chatting, everyone but me. Haha. But nevertheless, I looked on as they chatted, and occasionally nodded and laughed as if I understood everything they said haha.

How are you today, my dear sunny?

post on the go

Writing from my mobile tonight... not sure how good it'll work but we'll see! Mum's downstairs watching the last episode of prime minister and I on my laptop... I am yet to watch it. Watching this drama has, in many ways, felt like a journey... simply said, I have loved this show. After all, it's a drama that I've stuck with from day one -- something that I haven't done in a long time. I hope you are, too, enjoying it, wherever you are up to. It's a good one.

In other news I went for another violin lesson today and gave jasmine a piano lesson later in the day. In between, I cleared out my clothes (finally!). Gave away my two remaining teddy bears and four bags of clothes in total. It was a good haul, sunny, because now I truly have things I need and (want to) use in front of me. Clothes really have little consequence, which is why I like to only keep the ones that I wear, and not keep for the sake of keeping (ahem, mummy).

Gotta go now, eyes are getting tired typing this. Hope your day in tuaran was a good one; it probably was just average right? Anyhow, average ain't all that bad anyway. Talk to you soon, sunny!

direction

"what's your aim at 25?" was a question that a friend asked me the other day.

I had no answer, sunny. The friend, who asked, was planning on becoming a doctor, so the answer would be an easy one for her. Finish uni and become a practising doctor.

But me... I had no direction. My answer was, without even thinking, "My aim... I don't have an aim. I look at my life from year to year." A year is the longest I'd "plan" or "aim". I realised then that I didn't really have a direction, perhaps due to the course that I'm taking (arts being so broad), my own indecisiveness, or that I love this process of the unexpected. In fact, I didn't feel bad at all.

I don't have an aim, I don't have a plan, and that's completely okay.

Instead of an I don't, I like to put things in I do's too. I do have something to look forward to in the mornings when I wake up, and something to look back at that makes me smile as I fall deep into sleep. They sound good to me, at this moment and at this time, and I like where my life is heading right now. I keep thinking back to the ONE video, and yes, this is the life for me. My life is not measured in years, it never was and it never will be.

hey sunny

it's me. michelle! thank you for your comments lately... it's been such a joy opening up my mailbox to find "new comment from..." you! Who else, right? Haha. No, really, it's been nice... though no pressure at all to comment on any future posts. Just comment when you feel like.

You mentioned that I'm really good in expressing things... that made me smile, and also once again reminded that while I'm good with articulating my thoughts and feelings in written words, I don't fare well when I have to do it in person. I keep my mouth shut, my feelings wounded up tight. I like to think that it's a deliberate decision that I make, but really, expressing my feelings is something that I'm just unable to do. Lashing out, crying in front of those that hurt me... I haven't been able to do that. In hindsight it's probably a good thing, and I like to think it's because I'm strong. But then again, I don't know.

It might just mean that I'm weak, that I'm afraid to show how I truly feel.

I hope the anger and hurt that have surfaced in you, and perhaps, resurfaced, harder this time, will eventually lighten up. It mustn't be easy on you to spend so much of your day around those that hurt you. You look at them, talk to them, and for the most part, you can't act in hurt and anger towards them. I feel for you, and I hope it will get better soon.

taking stock

Making: a 2013 photo album. I've almost finished the pink flowery one you gave me, and about to start another that sonia gave me.
Cooking: nothing lately, because Popo is here
Drinking: a lot of beer lately. Kung Kung claims it'll make me short.
Reading: god's calling for kids, a staple everywhere I go
Wanting: to get a herschel backpack for high school (can't believe I wrote that) university
Looking: out for good music and freshening my music library
Playing: a few new violin pieces as of late
Wasting: some portion of my limited time with Kung Kung and Popo on napping, I'm sure. I don't want to but napping just doesn't seem to elude me
Sewing: hahahaha this shouldn't exist, I don't sew
Wishing: that march wouldn't come, for a plethora of reasons
Enjoying: company
Waiting: for time to stand still so I can have these two people in my daily life forever and everrrrr
Liking: that kids adore me
Wondering: when this adoration will stop (please don't ever stop)
Loving: who I am when I'm with Kung Kung and Popo
Hoping: that I can continue being this version of me come march
Marvelling: at how complete I feel when I'm with Kung Kung and Popo
Needing: to stop gushing about them, but I just can't (or won't, wahaha)
Smelling: smells, hayfever please be gone!
Wearing: a chambray top and my favourite floral skirt
Following: what I hope will be a consistent sleep time
Noticing: the little, unedited stream of life things with my camera this morning before work
Knowing: that this year will be a hard one
Thinking: about our trip in vietnam, and looking real forward to it
Feeling: like my eyelids need some shut time, but it's still 1.5 hours till end of work
Bookmarking: places to eat out at melbourne
Opening: my mind this month and letting things come at me.
Giggling: I don't really giggle, I just do a very out-of-the-place, incoherent laugh
Feeling: old, not in the measures of age, but just old as in not new

Got this idea from the daybook, who go it from pip @meetmeatmikes

an essay of hurts

Mum kinda hurt me big time last night. Ahahaha, surprise surprise right. Sophia had invited me over to her place for a sleepover this coming week. Upon reading her message, I asked mum last night over dinner and she straight up said no. No. When I asked why, she said that she had vowed not to let me sleep over again after she picked me up from rach's last time. It just seemed unfair to me, that she had just straight up said no without considering it. I know parents say no all the time, sunny, for good reasons.

I know, but it hurts, because she hadn't even considered it, hadn't even given it a second thought, and just shut me down. What hurts even more is that she doesn't trust me not to make the same mistake again three years ago, that nearly cost me my friendship. She is using something from three years ago, and it just seemed unjustified in some ways. Of course she used Kung Kung and Popo as back-ups, who gave reasons that weren't even concerns to mum, like "it's not part of our chinese culture". It just seemed that apart from what happened years ago, she didn't have any other reason to say no.

But you know what, I actually surprised myself last night. After dinner, I remained calm and was even pleasant and friendly towards her, Kung Kung and Popo. Usually I'd give her to silent treatment, which is how I deal with my frustrations 98% of the time. But not last night. Somehow I managed to subconsciously make a division between the issue and my relationship with them. I was so cool, sunny. Instead of giving people cold shoulders, I was able to engage in a normal conversation without a tinge of sarcasm, dissatisfaction or anger. Almost too cool, but I liked this version of me. I wasn't trying to fake it, it almost came as natural to me as scratching an itch after you've been stung by a mosquito.