It's 4:49AM, an hour till you're supposed to wake up. I awoke around an hour ago... as if I am the one who's flying early and needs to make her 6:30AM taxi pick up.
I awoke with two things on my mind: the typical "I need to pee" and the not so typical words "so scared of failure". As I went about my business in the dark (the lights in the toilet weren't on), I wonder what the latter thought could mean.
Was I scared of failure? Somehow the statement seemed to resonate with me. But... I don't think I'm scared of failure as much as I expect failure. With due course, they're interrelated things: people who are scared of failure expect it to come from every corner. For me though... I'm not scared of it, but seem to be too accepting of it to the point that I've lost that grit for success. This goes for everything in my life... studies, relationships, work, goals etc etc. I hope it doesn't make me a negative thinker, but I know it certainly doesn't make me a positive one either.
Like a switch of a light, my mind soon wandered off to imagined scenarios: setting aside some money each payroll so I could treat mum to lunch on sunday at least once a month, getting some of Papa's staple food for him... and many more like that. Things that I want to do to better the most important parts of my life... with a much later realisation that the betterment of them would selfishly make better my life. It would make me feel good to make the treasured parts of my life feel treasured, loved and cared for. Of course... that wasn't something that came to me straight off the bat when I was imagining the scenarios in my head, and nor am I condoning that one should do things for others with the priority aim to make themselves better (because I certainly won't)... but I guess it's just interesting how the human condition works sometimes.