hangzhou bound

You're off to Hangzhou, you're off to Hangzhou! Is this the view you're going to see? I asked myself, as I searched up images of the place... just to have a peek at the kind of views your eyes will be immersed in.

At this point, after weeks of general busyness, you're probably drunk with tiredness. The whole debacle with Kundasang + Miri must have drove you to the wall. Don't worry too much about it -- if it happens, it happens. I'm thinking day trips in general would be a better idea. Anyway, we'll discuss it when I get back. I think, once we're together, with all this physical distance finally closed in... it might be easier to organise something.

Holidays can sometimes turn out to not feel like holidays at all, amidst busyness especially (I think we've both experienced this), but I hope that these few days will be the opposite for you. Enjoy the time away with your two boys! Try the local food. Go to the night markets. Maybe even have the local McD breakfast! I know your plans aren't solid solid, and contrary to popular belief, I think that's actually a really good thing! Thinking back to our Vietnam trip... it was the unplanned stuff during our time there that stuck out the most in my memory... I wouldn't be surprised if that's the same for you, come Hangzhou.

Wishing you all safe travels; can't wait to see your beautiful faces in a week's time!

self-love / hate

Sometime ago, while I was trying to productively procrastinate (if there was such a thing), I set myself to make lists. The first task was to list down all the things that I love about myself. I found that, after a minute or so, I couldn't think of anything... I stopped writing. I moved on the next list, and that was things I'd like to change about myself/my life.

And wow. I just kept writing, and writing. After I was finally finished, I sat back and looked at the two lists. The 'changes' list was much, much, much longer than the 'love' list. Looking at the disproportionate contrast in their length, I was never more aware of how dissatisfied I was with myself. Was I being ungrateful? Was I being discontent? Was I just an overall negative person? I didn't think so, but these two lists certainly said otherwise.

Since then, I've tried to practise more self-love on the daily. Sure, there are changes we'd all like to implement into our lives, and there are just stuff lying about us (and our lives) that we just want to change. right. now. But constantly desiring that won't make our lives any better. Instead, we should really love ourselves more, be okay with our lives the way it is (doesn't mean it's immune to change)... just like Bruno Mars had put it simply, just the way we are.

thursday quote

How true that is. If only we took the time and patience to truly understand where the other person is coming from, instead of where we are coming from.

gratitude

10 things I'm grateful for in the last week

1. Having jobs to go to
2. Punctual and reliable public transport
3. Roger, who has been helping us out with fixing our car
4. Outside food that tastes like homemade food!
5. Being free of exams (will never stop being grateful for this one)
6. Have family to buy gifts for
7. A mum who wants to get you a gift on her birthday (can we just pause for a second here and discuss how ridiculous this is?)
8. People to look up to
9. Time
10. Having the pleasure to write to you, Sunny.

love life

Let you in on something amusing... lately, Mum has been ever interested in my love life. I told her I was meeting up with Rach the other day, and she's all, "are you sure it's with Rachael?" Continued to probe me with questions, saying, "I know you won't lie to me straight to my face, I just gotta ask the right questions. You might just leave some truths out just as to not cause trouble". Papa and her are convinced that I'm going out with Marcel, a friend from Indo, but I already told them we don't click that way.

We've been emailing each other, of course, at the end of her last email, she wrote a little ditty about talking to her about it. Things like that, it makes me relieved that I honestly have nothing to hide. Told her that I'm not looking for anyone, really just want to focus on myself during this time. Whether she buys it or not, that's her choice, but it's my truth.

language learning

Due to certain class allocations, I can only pick up German 4 (the level that I'm up to) at uni in the second half of the year. So, far the first half of the year... I'm hoping to keep my German going by taking online tuition via Skype with a teacher, so I don't lose the language. Adding to that, I'd also like to take up another language. Is that too much of me, wanting to learn two languages simultaneously? I just realised, recently, that I need a new hobby and language learning would be a fun (and productive) one.

I thought of you, instantly. Yes, you. The one who's practically a genius in languages... what's that - Malay, Chinese (not to mention the dialects!) and English. Man! I've always admired how you learned how to read and write Chinese all by yourself - it's really awesome.

So... any tips for a new language learner? Can you guess what language I want to learn? ;)

change / looking back

I don't think we realise how much we change over one year. But we all change, somehow, within these 365 days. After all, we didn't become the person we are today overnight... change happened over each year of our lives, in clusters of 365 days. It's getting to that time of the year again (the end), and with my reflective tendencies kicking in, I've started thinking about how I've changed over the last year.

One thing comes to mind, and that's practicality.

I've become a lot more practical towards the second half of the year... dressing for the weather, eating homemade lunches instead of out (practical both money and health wise), taking care of my skin and relishing every single minute of my time. It's these little changes, which makes me feel a lot better about the year ahead... because I feel as though I'm armed with more maturity in terms of taking care of both my body and mind. On the daily, I'm now making better decisions for myself, knowing the consequences to actions (e.g. sleeping late is not going to do me any favours the next day), and acting accordingly (e.g. sleeping early).

It's nice to look back, and see this growth. A few months back, I had written a note to myself titled 'CHANGE' - a list of things I'd like to change about myself (for the better). I stumbled upon that note by accident yesterday, and it was so wonderful to be able to cross off three of those things... because I have done something about them, thus they no longer exist.

What are some things which changed within you this year?

favourite music

crying palms by leehom. I can’t make much of the lyrics of the song, actually, just bits here and there… but that’s enough to make me really feel for this song. I love that it’s a song that’s simply trying to say something, without trying to be anything at all. Leehom’s voice is so emotive in this one.

darling by MAX. It’s a simple song again, this one. I don’t think much of it as I listen to it… the lyrics are just background noise… but somehow it makes me just feel and it’s nice when music can move you like that.

bang bang by jayesslee. It's not the song that I love per se, but this cover is just precious. It’s a really short one, since they couldn’t manage to get past the chorus without their newborn babies crying haha. I’ve followed their channel for a while, and it’s awesome to see these two grow into such beautiful ladies, now mothers. Was listening to one of their other covers the other day, Your Love is Everything by Jesus Culture. It was wonderful, and really lifted my day.

hiding the inner / feeling defensive

“Got my head spinnin’… no kiddin’… I can’t pin you down…” — All Of Me, John Legend

I’ve talked about this on the blog a few times… but I keep coming back to it for some reason. Hiding the inner thoughts. It’s wrong, but lately, I’ve been feeling the need to do it with family… specifically with Papa and Mummy. I’ve been thinking about how to hide my inner thoughts + feelings, without seeming cold… and settled that the only way to do it was to treat them as though they were strangers. Treat them with the sort of niceness that I would to strangers. Wouldn’t that make things easier?

I realised that that would make me somewhat fake, especially to my own parents… but lately, I feel like it’s the only way. It’s almost like… I don’t want to give them anything to pin me down on. It’s so darn defensive, I’m almost afraid of these thoughts. But believe it or not… I’m going to try and give this a go this week.

hey you

How are you doing? How has your week been? It’s the middle of the week again!

I hope you’re doing well, and that you’re having a wonderful Wednesday so far. Not long to go before we meet now! I hope you’ve been preparing yourself to see my face… ;) I know I’ve been prepping my heart to see all your beautiful faces and be in the midst of your company.

It hasn’t been that long since we’ve seen each other last… but what I’m really looking forward to this time, is to really live with you all. Overstaying my stay kind of way, you know. To just go about the everyday life, and pretend for one and a half months that it’s just like the old days and I’m no longer a house guest, but really part of Lavender, and your lives too.

on blogging

I met up with Rachael today, and it was pretty wonderful. The girl always just makes me comfortable for being me, and I never feel like I have to be anything more. Catching up with friends, these days, I have to admit… does tire me out. It seems, I’m more used to being on my own nowadays, that any company besides my own actually physically wears me down. I feel odd writing that… being only 19, but it’s the truth, you know.

Blogging. It’s a funny thing. I’ve been thinking about it recently. Though I’ve started planning for a new blog (she has a name, and a few category names in store yay!), I’ve still felt quite unsure about it. Leaving Facebook and Instagram… it’s been so nice to live the real life without having the feeling of having to document it at all. Was I ready for a blog? For a girl who has blogged since she was twelve, these feelings were out of the place.

Somehow… today, when Rachael suddenly brought up my blog at the end of our catch-up (I was pleasantly shocked), it was like an answer to all the doubts that I had in the past few weeks. Rachael, of all people, would be the last person I thought would read my blog. But she did. I felt touched in all the right ways, and knew right there and then… that there was a reason blogging has been on my mind for the last few weeks. And it’s time I do something about it. (Stay tuned.)

intentions

2015. You know, that hardly meant a thing to me.

I’m not sure if it’s something that has been ingrained in me from a young age… but I used to welcome a new year with such an open embrace, you’d think that I was trying to fit an entire city in my arms. Resolution time! and off I went making a list of things I’d like to achieve that year. When I was really feeling it, I would even subcategorise them. Oh yeah, I was that crazy.

Since a few years ago, I’ve toned it down a notch. Or a thousand notches. And I’m starting to think… maybe I’ve toned it down too much. What happened to having hopes and dreams, and actually achieving them? What happened to wanting to attain the unattainable? I miss the way too optimistic Michelle, who believed everything she penned down would come to fruit.

So recently, realising that the coming new year didn’t even excite me one bit, I knew I had to make a few changes around here. And so I did. Started waking up earlier, exercising a bit more in the morning, eating homemade lunches. And little by little, I started feeling good about the future again. I saw that efforts do bring fruit, and so this coming year, I’m making a few more changes (small and big)... but I guess the main thing is just having intention and living each day a little more deliberately.

Any plans for 2015?

creatures of habit

A few of my habits recently: listen to Leehom when I need some music to soothe the soul, reading a book on the train, grabbing soft serve from McD if I’m a little hungry but don’t feel like grabbing a meal.

What are some of your habits?

Habits are a funny thing, because they used to be foreign to us — something we did for the first time, then the second time, then the third… and slowly it became something that we wouldn’t even question. Why Leehom… and not someone else? Why a book… and not my phone? Why a soft serve… and not a sundae? Though these habits are harmless, it’s good to question them every now and then… to pick the bad ones from the good ones. But bad habits… oh, that’s a topic for another day.

anti-social

I’m doing this thing, recently, where I ignore people that I know passing by. Wow, even as I write that, it looks horrible. But hear me out. It’s not like they’re the closest of my friends… I had maybe gone to camp with them for a few days, or they were a high school friend from years and years ago… but we could be waiting in line for coffee, pass by each other in the toilet, wait at the lights together… and I would just pretend like I don’t know them. (They don’t recognise me either, or maybe they’re doing the same thing.)

I like to think that I’m doing it because I’m just too tired to say hi, and be all courteous and happy and nice. I know that I’m not a kermit, and that I can be a great conversation-maker if I wanted to… but these days, I just don’t feel like it. It’s an odd feeling, but yet, it’s so familiar to me, because it’s just like what I would do. Am I being anti-social? Or am I just being me, and is that justified just by itself? Some days, I’m not sure.

only

one of my favourites recently. I do love his live performances so much more... finding that, his songs have so much more meaning as he gets older, somehow.

a book that changed my life

I read a book recently, called Please Look After Our Mother. It was written by a Korean, translated into English… which was what drawn me to in the first place. By drawn, I mean - I literally googled ‘best korean literature translated to english'. I liked watching Korean dramas every now and then, but the repeated, clichéd storylines couldn’t satisfy me. Still, their culture somewhat intrigued me, and they had a way of telling stories — even if they were indeed clichéd. So I thought, why not books?

And this book… this book changed my life. It’s a story about a mother who went missing… and the novel is essentially recounts by the children and her husband, who realised that they had taken her for granted all these years. Through their recounts, you realise, as the reader, how much she had sacrificed for her children, so much so that she slowly, but surely, became empty inside. It broke my heart, reading it, not only for the characters, not only for the mother… but because it felt so real.

We all know someone who’s like Mother… certainly, parts of it reminded me of Popo. Someone who is sacrificial, kind, giving, forgiving, puts others before her. I felt sad for the Mother, but also for the children. The fact that I, myself, could identify with the children. How quick have I been to rebuke something Mummy said, or to shake off what Popo advised, or to raise my voice when I was frustrated. The amount of times I had just listened to someone trying to get a point across, in the one ear and out the other. Is it so hard to just do as they ask, even if you think it’s trivial?


I knew I was not horrible to my family… but I also knew I could be so much better. I shouldn’t have to wait till one of them to go missing to be plagued with guilt, realising the many times I’ve wronged them and should have been better. We can be so horrible to the ones we love — they are the ones we hurt the most — perhaps it’s time to stop. Perhaps it’s time I stop.

catching up

Hi there, how are you doing today?

It is sunny outside today, and I’m yet again reminded of you.

How are you doing these days? I’m happy to hear that you have something new coming into your life, something that you have to hush hush about for now. I don’t know why, or how, since I don’t even know what it is… but I felt kind of excited for you when I read it. My heart leaped a little.

I’m doing good these days. I’ve learned to take control of my own life, recently. If something was making me unhappy, I would find a way to resolve it. It could be to actually solve it head-on, or to avoid it. I used to view the latter as a sign of weakness, thinking that ignoring and avoiding was just plain weak. Of course, this didn’t stop me doing it back then. But these days, I see it differently. If it’s going to give me jitters and make me unhappy, I can take myself out of the situation.

What might happen is not within my control… but I can pull myself out of the situation if I want to. Last week, I stayed out both evenings at Gloria Jeans to finish up my assignments, nonetheless, but also to avoid being home where an argument might just break out. I knew I couldn’t handle the aftermath, especially in the midst of academic stress, so I took myself out of it. It felt nice, liberating, not having to worry if an argument might break out or not. And I was darn productive too.