on growing up

Grown up. It's such a funny term. When do you exactly become a grown up? Is it when you graduate from high school? Is it when you get your driver's licence? Is it when you have your first beer at a legit bar? Is it when you get your first car?

If it is, then I'm not a grown up yet, ha, having only done two of the above things. The natural answer as to what a grown up is, of course, lies within what's in our mind and what's in our hearts. The way we go about things. When people say things like, you're a grown up now, it implies responsibility. And at this point of my life, I feel very responsible. I feel very responsible for myself.

I can't help but think that from here on end, the person I become in the next few years will more or less determine the kind of person I am in twenty years' time. As we grow older, we become greater creatures of habit, more self-righteous, more stubborn in our ways. We become more certain (and certainly more aware) of things around us, and therefore more sure of ourselves... and for many, there is little room for adjustment. We are what we are. Not to say that it's a bad thing... many grow older, wiser, better. Right now, I feel like there is still lots of room to improve... what do I want to be in twenty years time depends a lot on what I do now. Or is that too far fetched?

I want to hold on to this, this age of uncertainty, because I know it won't last forever. And make the most of it. Eventually I'll become a nagging, constantly dissatisfied old lady with grey hairs who thinks she knows the world like the encyclopaedia.

giving too much away

Yesterday, I caught up with the girls and it was nice. It was nice to see them again (I hadn't seen Khim in a while), and I was actually surprised at how much Khim talked yesterday. She's usually a talker, but around us and other friends, she's usually the quiet one. So it was great to listen to her, and it didn't matter what she said... it could be super important, or super trivial... but that's the point, isn't it? Catching up with friends and talking about whatever. Feeling free to do so, and such.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm being too liberal with my words, giving too much of myself away. With new friends, I'm able to cast a certain self that I was 'happy' with, not giving too much of myself away at too fast a rate. With my old friends, though, sometimes I wonder if I'm going too fast for them. Even though we had been friends for years and years, sometimes I'd say something and maybe it was a tad on the side of sarcastic, and they won't get it. As if I had said something offensive, or just something they couldn't relate to. There are moments, like that, and I wonder if it's me that's the problem.

Also caught up with Amy last night (watched Gone Girl, one crazy story I tell ya -- is it out in KK?), and it was really quite nice. It was her last day of school yesterday (mine in two days) and she was super happy. We talked about all things... and somewhere along the night, I spurted out about mum and dad fighting sunday night. I don't know it came on... but I guess I just had all these feelings I didn't what to do with. It was comforting to hear things like, "I can understand what you're going through right now" and "I don't know how you can deal with it day-to-day", "If they knew how much they were affecting you right now..." I needed that, but sometimes I wonder if I'm coming on to strong... we hadn't met up in a few weeks, and really, do I have to go on about my family?

Tis the deal with friendship and relationships we have, I guess.

purpose

Purpose is probably a word, a concept, that I've had trouble with lately.

I know I'm not the only one, but when you struggle with something as big as purpose, it can feel like you're the only one. I try to be positive about all things, live in the now, but it's hard when you have this feeling that you're not doing it right because what is your darn purpose? you ask yourself. Growing up, I guess, I've always felt the expectations to excel and know exactly what I'm doing (because that is always what I've done and been about for as long as I can remember), so it honestly felt that there was no room to fail. At all.

Had a chat with Kung Kung recently, asking him what he was like when he was 19. And he said, in Cantonese, mong ha mong ha. And you know what? It felt nice, to know that even my wise old seventy plus grandpa had states where he didn't know exactly where he was going + was perfectly fine with it. It made me feel better. I know I can't go about my days worrying about purpose all the time... it's certainly not how I'm going to find it, whatever it is.

observing

I'm at the coffeehouse, and there's an elderly couple sitting in front of me. The sitting arrangement is one of those chair + lounge combination, where one person sits on the chair, and the other on the lounge. But instead of sitting on the chair, the husband has gone and sat next to his wife on the lounge. I think it's just the sweetest. They're sitting shoulder to shoulder, both cross-legged, chatting and smiling. It's so nice to see.

I love observing things like this, and on days like this, where I'm feeling extra touchy, it certainly lifts my spirits. People watching is definitely my go-to when it comes to passing time (this is the girl who gets sunglasses not to protect her eyes, but so she can people watch without looking like a creep). It's different from mum's sort of people watch, where she looks at people, sizing them up as if to profile them like a FBI agent, ha. But more, observing mode, you know? I think it's just interesting to watch people at their natural state, doing the most ordinary of things, knowing that each and everyone of them have a story of their own to tell. And though their everyday, like shopping, unloading their groceries, grabbing their coffee, is probably not something they'd include in their biography, it's nice to be able to observe that. A small piece of themselves remaining a faint trace in my memory.

say

I was having a very sketchy morning, in one of those what's going on? + can I even do this? moods. You know the one. The one where nothing went right the night before, and you're tired of people having a go at you, but knowing that you have to keep on anyway. Because if you don't, no one will do that for you. That itself, is normally, empowering enough for me. But this morning, not even the thought of that was giving me any hwaiting! spirits.

Then this came on, and very nearly brought me to tears.

"Even if your hands are shaking, and your faith is broken... even as the eyes are closing... do it with a heart wide open."

sticking to your own guns

Stick to your own guns were five words that whispered to me today as I took my shower.

It's a lesson that I'm learning more and more of as the days go by. I realised, recently, that I don't have to be apologetic for doing the things that I do, for putting myself first and making the things I love as priorities. I know, I know, it's not rocket science, and probably many many have figured this out already... but this is my first time stumbling across this. I've learned that it's important to put myself first, because it's simply not healthy to prioritise others' expectations, thoughts and feelings and casting away my own in the process.

This means worrying less about what others think, and focusing instead on what makes me happy. Like, for instance, today I stumbled into Aaron. Same time last week as well. Today, he needed to rush for his train, and before the tram got to a halt, he said to me, 'come, run for the train with me'. I could have made up excuses like, "I need to do a stop by the shops," but I didn't. Instead, I said, "I'd rather take my time." Later, at the platform, he whisked past me, and I, having seen him, could have called after him, and rode the train together, like we did last week. But, well, I just kinda ignored him.  

In all honesty, I wanted to travel the train alone, and read a book I just started a few days ago and been really enjoying. A year ago, if I had done that (ignored someone on purpose), I would have felt plain awful. But today? I was okay with it. I was sticking to my own guns, doing what I knew I would like the best, and not feeling any qualms of guilt at all. And it felt nice, sunny, it did. Did I enjoy reading my book the whole ride through? You betcha I did.