it's near 12am and I'm sitting here, in front of my laptop, can't sleep. reflecting, thinking, wondering about this life of mine. I feel the deep urge to write, like there's something breaking out of me. I guess lately I've been having these existentialist thoughts, and wondering what exactly I am doing with my life and whether I'm making it worth the while. sometimes, really, I feel like I'm wasting it. I guess it's just the fact that I haven't found my place in this world yet.
I don't feel rooted yet. I don't feel held... and maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing.
sometimes I feel spoilt having thoughts like this. it's just, it's not that I'm not grateful for this life of mine. I feel gratitude everyday... like today, when a man with a guide stick approached me as I got on the bus, 'what bus is this?' even before I got on, I saw he had approached every single bus that arrived at the bus stop, stepping into each bus and asking the bus driver 'what's this bus?' when I saw that, and when he spoke to me, and thanked me, I felt grateful. that I had eyes to see even the simplest things like numbers on the bus.
and then, today, I also received my fee statement for semester two. and as I forwarded it to mum, I added a note in the email: thanks for paying for my education, mum. it was a simple note, but I really did feel grateful as I wrote it. I know asians tend to pay for their children's education, but really, she isn't obliged to, sunny. she doesn't have to. I could have just become australian, and pay back my fees to the government when I start working... something that I'm sure many of my friends are doing.
and then, when I signed into the blog tonight, I was surprised to find a '1' next to the comment bubble in my last post. things are okay, but yes... been tired lately, I am living within a human shell after all. I'm only doing the best I can, and it's enough.
so yes... those are my thoughts for the night. not sure if they make sense.