just like that

I woke up today, all on my own. The first thing I remember doing after I awoke, was smiling. I smiled. With all my heart. Like it was the purpose of my life. I smiled with my lips, and I'm sure, my closed eyes smiled too. I thought about last night, and I smiled even more.

After minutes of twisting and turning, I looked at the time on my phone. It was 6:22AM. And just like that, I got out of bed and started my day. Again, with a smile. This time, on the inside.

hairdresser series #2

Been spending a lot of money lately… not unnecessarily, but still, it’s money. I love that I’m talking about money, when I’m about to spend much of it here, at the hairdresser’s. Mum did say that she wanted to pay for it because “you’ve been studying so hard these past few weeks for your exams” (kononnya)… but I know she’s short on the $$$. Apologised to me on the weekend about not depositing my weekly allowance last week… told her it’s fine, I’m earning extra income now, so actually she doesn’t need to give me allowance except for the odd piano and violin lessons.

Anyway, money talk, who loves them.

I guess, if there’s anything that’s worth saving, it’s time. And lately I haven’t been very good with it. My days just pass and go… without any purpose. I’m really hoping that this upcoming Vietnam trip… will give me a boost. Press restart, reboot, that sort of thing. Oh, and you know what I’m most looking forward to? Using my three weeks trip as an excuse to not log on to Facebook. Hahaha. Really, that’s what I’m most looking forward to.

hairdresser series #1

I’m waiting at the hairdressers as I type this… was opening up my laptop to write more notes for the exam next week – but who am I kidding? Like I’m going to be one of those people who are so uber productive, always doing something at every second of the day.

It’s going to be a long wait, so who knows, I’ll probably pump out more than one post today (lucky you!) How are you today, my sunny? I hope that you are having a better day today than yesterday, because it seems, yes, it feels like you’re in this inescapable rut, right? Well, I hope that reading my posts will at least give you a bit of an ‘escape’ from them. And please, please don’t ever feel bad for reading three or four of them at one go, only checking in every few days… it’s completely OKAY. Why? Because I said so. So don’t ever feel bad. Feel good that you are taking the time out to read my words.

I’m so looking forward to seeing you, my dear sunny. There are so many things I’d like to tell you, in person. So much has happened since I last saw you… and much of it, you know, and some, I’ve saved till the time I see you (recently, anyway). I’m excited to see you, to spend time with you. We are so close, sometimes I don’t feel the physical distance… but times like last night when you were telling me your thoughts, your feelings… I wish I could just hug you and comfort you – times like that, I’m really reminded of our physical distance.

Well, not long now! Not long at all, three weeks?

gladly

common theme this month has been, 'what am I doing with my life?'

not in that bitter, lost in the woods kind of way that I was going about things for the first half of the year. now, it's just, the 'what's my purpose for the day?' kind of way. since watching the secret life of walter mitty, I have reaffirmed my way of life.

a big part of this reaffirmation is that, I can't be all that I want to be, all at the same time. it just cannot happen, and in many ways, it shouldn't happen like that. change shouldn't take place so fast, it should take place by parts. parts could be memories, attitudes, people we meet, the relationships we build, places we go. accepting this, gladly, has helped me immensely. I now understand that just because I can't do it all, it does not mean that I'm lacking or incapable.

I should always yearn for more, but also know that now, at where I am, is okay. I am bettering and bettering myself more and more with each second, minute, hour, day that I embrace this. it's been a big wake-up call... but I'm glad, so glad, that it finally came in some form and shape.

max

take you to every party,
because I remember how much you loved to dance.

word

I'm going to be an accountant with my time

get that essay done

study my bums off for the upcoming exams

clear out all those distractions

and focus inwards, instead of outwards

I can do it, all I have is time.

happiness?

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don't mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep" and "cheer up" and "happiness is out birthright" and so on. We're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It's rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, "Quick! Move on! Cheer up!" I'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word "happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness." Ask yourself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is.

—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life

today is either going to be good

or it's going to be bad. you know what I mean? sometimes, you wake up later than usual, tired even though you've slept a quarter of your life. and so it goes, it's either going to be good or bad, depending on your sense of will. and I'm reeeeally hoping to make it a good one.

I'm staying home today, because mum's made dumplings and wants me to cook them for me and papa for lunch. it's good, too, so I can get some practice in before my piano lesson tomorrow.

heart doesn't feel right lately. relationship with mother is not great, tension building for some reason... I'm getting tired of the hot/cold relationship with her. appearance over practicality, her right over my wrong, her truth over my truth. treating as though it's all good, just as long as she's forgiven me, it's a given that I'm not hurt by her anymore.

sunday

on sunday it was raining. mum was off to mount buller, and in the morning she half-convinced me to skip church this week instead, because she couldn't drive me there. at about 8:05, I realised it was probably my turn to do the projector job at mass. so I got right out of bed, brushed my teeth, put on some clothes and shoes for good measure and rushed out the door! honestly half the time as I was walking I had to rub my eyes a few times, because I was still in that sleepy, blurry eyed phase of the morning. it was quite hilarious, as you could imagine. I wonder what I looked like to passersby.

then I got to church, and was told that it wasn't my turn. false alarm, ah well. but I was glad I made it to church. our Father talked about a movie he had watched during the week called 'heaven is real'. right after church, I checked out the times for the movie, but unfortunately I couldn't make it cause I had discipleship with the girls. as I was walking home on the main street, a car stopped beside me. it was errol, the head of st vincents at our church -- the organisation I was part of but quit recently. he smiled, said hi and asked me if I wanted a ride home. it was cold, I declined, but was touched that some good feelings still remained between us, hah.

I didn't get out of the house until 12:15. I was in a rush, it was raining, and I felt dreary. most likely cause I had an essay due the next day, that I hadn't even started yet. part of me asked, is this discipleship thing really worth going today? am I just going to be superficial about it today, because of this mood I'm in? so I got there, after a quick pizza takeaway, and I was right. throughout the whole thing, I just didn't seem in it, and I realised... I was so spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. even as I led the opening prayer and the closing prayer, my heart just wasn't in it. and it sounded so fake to my ears, because my heart wasn't there with God.

for that I felt so frustrated with myself, and as I left the place... that's when I called you. so I wrote a bit of my essay when I got to the library (about half an hour later because bus is infrequent during weekends), and left the place at 5pm when the library closed. bought some groceries for the week, and that was about it. it was really quite an uneventful day, but eventful in some ways.

I don't know if you actually read all this, and if you did, I've got both of thumbs up for you right now. I'm not sure why I wrote all of this... but there's my sunday.

the departure

Franz Kafka, 1920s

I ordered my horse to be brought from the stables. The servant did not understand my orders. So I went to the stables myself, saddled my horse, and mounted. In the distance I heard the sound of a trumpet, and I asked the servant what it meant. He knew nothing and had heard nothing. At the gate he stopped me and asked:

"Where is the master going?" 

"I don't know," I said, "just out of here, just out of here. Out of here, nothing else, it's the only way I can reach my goal." 

"So you know your goal?" he asked. 

"Yes," I replied, "I've just told you. Out of here -- that's my goal."

count

just did some calculator work, and looks like I still owe you 27 posts! 26, now, hehe. but instead of posting just for the sake of posting, I want to make each and every one of these count, okay? so it will take some time before I pay off my debt.

you know, now that I think about it, I've probably written more to you tonight than I have made progress with my german essay (it's coming along though, in case you were wondering). I just want to let you know that it's been awesome talking to you recently, getting to know each other's feels. it's been good, well needed, and just so, so... good.

and if you haven't read the posts below yet, I'd start from if only and move my way back up. that's how my train of thought went tonight, so if you read downwards, it might not make sense haha. oh wow, look at me! talking about continuity as though this thing is a book. but then again... we both know if this was a book, it'd be on your best-selling list. hahahahaha I'm shameless

planting another perspective

I am trying to plant other perspective in my head... perspective from Kung Kung, perspective from Popo, perspective from EE. I know they have all the reason to worry, because I'm their precious, I'm their loved one. with that at the back of my mind, I'm trying to plant their perspectives and let them blend in with mine.

but the more I do it, sunny, the more I see control instead of worry. as in, yes, they can worry, but there is this distinction, this line of 'yes, they can worry, but I can't let each and every one of their worry direct each and every one of my decision'. a worry is care, a worry is love, but a worry is not a right. it's not a right to make me feel so enclosed, so hammered in, so doubtful of me. at least, it shouldn't be a right.

I'm not sure if they know how I feel. I'm trying to imagine how hard it is on them, and all I can think about is relieving them of that. but relieving them of that would mean making it twice as hard for myself. so selfish of me, right? there has to be a medium, there has to be an in-between, there has to be a compromise... but right now? there has to be extremes first. at least... I hope that's how it goes.

superficial

I don't want a superficial hi-bye relationship with my grandparents, but lately, especially since last night, it's becoming apparent to me that it may have to be that way if I want to live a life I want to live. but a life without a strong relationship with my grandparents doesn't seem like a life worth living, you know? so, I'm torn.

never thought I was the perfect goodie girl in my grandparents' mind until I've bursted that bubble. to be honest, until now, I don't even know which part of me is wrong. getting a new job... catching up with friends... wanting to earn more money to save up... not wanting to rely so much on my mother... are these things so bad? honestly, they make me feel as though I'm going out clubbing every night with my friends, getting drunk, smoking weed or something. that tone when they speak to me, the hmm-sure line ee relays back to me (as if to say 'ok, sure, yeah right')... it all feels so superficial.

tonight, Popo even spelled it out for me: 'I'm happy when you're at home, safe and sound, within the confines of your house'. couldn't disagree more, tried to relay another perspective to her... but mid-sentence, I just gave up. and kinda let it slide.

if only

if only Kung Kung, Popo and EE had access to a daily blog like this one, oh how I would write them a river of words. but I have decided, what are the point of words if they go unheard, in and out of ears that only wish to listen to what they want to hear, and make up words on the ones they don't want to hear.

received a whatsapp from EE tonight (after she reminded me in our call to read it), saying that she's too annoyed and frustrated to say anything, so she shall remain quiet instead. which, hey, is fine by me. but I've decided, that if she wishes to make her mind made known, that's fine too. I will remain unmoved and unaffected by it -- of course, I will be all ears, but I won't get angry over it. I'm sick of getting frustrated of making people frustrated at me. it's enough.

it's like, they're pushing me away, man. as if saying, 'hey, we don't like this part of you, I want a refund.' and honestly, I feel more and more like myself everyday. but having this, this daily reminder, is as if saying, 'dude, you're on the wrong path and you're being the wrong person'. yes, I admit, I should've handled last night better, should have thought it through and kept my worry-prone grandmother lukewarm in my mind before I made the call, which I thought would have made her feel less worried. but it seems like I'm just bouncing things back at myself lately.