unconscious change

The world's a changin', and so am I.

In the same way that you find a long lost, untouched Nokia brick phone from 2004, then take your shiny, slim HTC out from your pocket... and think to yourself, "wow, so much has changed" -- that's a fragment of what I've been feeling recently. It took some time, actually, to realise these changes... for a few days, I was wondering, "wow, this is new". It's not to say that I changed without noticing -- no, these actions I took were deliberate... but it's nice to notice the results at the end road.

So what are they, exactly?

• A few months ago, I couldn't not go on Facebook. I had a reflex in my fingers to instantaneously type f-a-c-e the moment I open up the browser. Realising I had a problem, I took Vietnam up as an opportunity to derail myself from it. A month later, quick as it was, I now only log onto Facebook once every few days... and it's now often at the back of my mind now. This control, you might call it, is not something I have to force myself to do... but just something I want to do. I feel free without it.

• I've quit instagram and blogging... for now. My account, my blog, still exist. I haven't deleted them, but merely am putting them on hold for now to focus on better things in life rather than being online all the time. I'm keeping a journal instead, and intend to get back into taking photos again, either from a point-and-shoot in hand or lens with better capabilities (as motivation).

• I'm practising the art of non-instantenous replying. (Doesn't apply to you, of course.) I used to reply (or feel the need to reply) to messages immediately, right after reading them. With that, I realised, I drew expectations on myself, from myself and from others. So today? I set aside time, once or twice a day to reply... or a few hours after I get the message. I'm grateful for this distance I've carved out.

• I'm learning to make promises that I can only keep. Commitments including catch-ups, meetings and work. It's still a learning process for me... and I've realised that in order to keep to this, I need to be more wary of how I divide my time and how I'd like to divide it.

• I'm learning to please myself, instead of pleasing others. It's great when both go hand in hand... but sometimes, they just don't. And it's okay. Am I doing something so I could have a greater bond with this person? Am I doing this because I think it'll make me look like/be a happy person? A key part of this, I've realised, is to be myself and defining what happiness, or rather, wholeness, feels/sounds/looks like to me.

So there you go, what's been going in michelle's head 101. Session out, over to you.

my new theory

Across our lives, perhaps everyday, or every second day, we come across something that we really want. It could be a tangible or intangible thing. Dreams of going away on a holiday, getting lessons to become closer to our goals, or an actual product that you know might inspire you to be happier and better for it. To want, just like feeling wanted, is all part of human nature.

But... the other thing about being human is that sometimes we don't get what we want (I hear ya, fan girl who wants to go to Steven Ma's concert badly). This usually boils down to money, time and/or circumstances. We realise that we don't have the money for it, the time to invest in it, or simply that some circumstances mean that we are unable to get that thing we so desperately covet. This realisation can be a daily struggle for some.

My new theory is that if I want something now so so badly, that it makes me unhappy that I don't have it, then perhaps it's not such a good idea for me to have it, right now. Is it just a way psych myself out from the realm of my desires? I'm not sure. But it's certainly a different way of looking at things. And hey, not saying that this applies to Lai Soon at all, but just a little something I felt like sharing today. I am a pretty content person generally (as you would know), but I am still learning the art of patience with myself. There are so many things I wish to do, experiences I'd like to have... but I know that all in good time, with planning, they will come. Just not today, not right now.

end / beginning

Is it an end to something old, or a beginning to something new?

Perhaps it's both, but in the past week or two, certainly a lot of change has come into my life. To be honest, coming from Vietnam, I had realised that I landed into Melbourne a different person. In many ways, Vietnam had already changed me - reshaped my perspectives and reordered my priorities. I was happy with that, and glad to be back into the routine rhythm of things. It was good to be home.

And then, the offer from Melbourne came. It caught me totally off guard, and looking back, I must say... it was such a stark contrast from the time I got my offer last year. I was so sure, so sure then that I would get the offer from Melbourne straight off the bat... confident of my score, and how positively it would secure me a place due to the past score history of the university. Looking back, I was over confident, wasn't I? I really should not have been.

The last half year has definitely changed me from that person... I think, I have become more humble, having pulled myself from others' expectations of my excellence. Entering Monash has brought me to so many places, where I've met so many people - from ACYA, from OCF and people from all over my classes. I have felt such a community at Monash, I'll be sad to bid my goodbyes. But this move, this time, feels right. It feels liberating to be at the start line of this new phase ahead of me. Not just educationally, but in so many other ways -- some I've discovered, some I've yet to discover.

hey you, you're cool

I'm not going to pull a "mummy" and go on about how great you are for making such an effort to join us here in Vietnam. Don't get me wrong -- in no way am I disagreeing with her (for once ;), because it's the truest thing in the world... but it's been said many times and we all know that you're already great before you did that anyway. So instead I'd like to say...

Hey you, you're cool.

You're cool when you go with the flow when travelling.

You're cool when you go all Jim Carrey and say YES MAN! to challenging stuff (kayaking, trekking) instead of saying no... which I think is just about the best decision one could make when on holiday. 

You're cool when you're thoughtful of others.

You're cool when our thoughts align, like the one about routine we had.

You're cool when our thoughts don't align all the way, and I am refreshed with twists to perspectives.

You're cool when you say the most not cool things... like all those ones (you know what I'm talking about) on our cute pick-up guide. Only cool people can pull that off, okay?

You're cool when you're you, and I'm so grateful that I saw and felt so much of you, in real, this past week.

the first in eons

It's 4:49AM, an hour till you're supposed to wake up. I awoke around an hour ago... as if I am the one who's flying early and needs to make her 6:30AM taxi pick up.

I awoke with two things on my mind: the typical "I need to pee" and the not so typical words "so scared of failure". As I went about my business in the dark (the lights in the toilet weren't on), I wonder what the latter thought could mean.

Was I scared of failure? Somehow the statement seemed to resonate with me. But... I don't think I'm scared of failure as much as I expect failure. With due course, they're interrelated things: people who are scared of failure expect it to come from every corner. For me though... I'm not scared of it, but seem to be too accepting of it to the point that I've lost that grit for success. This goes for everything in my life... studies, relationships, work, goals etc etc. I hope it doesn't make me a negative thinker, but I know it certainly doesn't make me a positive one either.

Like a switch of a light, my mind soon wandered off to imagined scenarios: setting aside some money each payroll so I could treat mum to lunch on sunday at least once a month, getting some of Papa's staple food for him... and many more like that. Things that I want to do to better the most important parts of my life... with a much later realisation that the betterment of them would selfishly make better my life. It would make me feel good to make the treasured parts of my life feel treasured, loved and cared for. Of course... that wasn't something that came to me straight off the bat when I was imagining the scenarios in my head, and nor am I condoning that one should do things for others with the priority aim to make themselves better (because I certainly won't)... but I guess it's just interesting how the human condition works sometimes.