1995

I'd be on this earth, breathing and living for twenty years next year.

To be fair, the first decade of my life was pretty easy and smooth sailing... and even that wouldn't do justice of just how easy it was for me then. Second decade came with a bit of road bumps here and there, some harder to walk over then others... But hey, I'm here today, aren't I?

It's just occurred to me that I'll be breaking away from my teenagehood in half a year (though in my mind, I've probably stopped being a "teenager" loooong time ago ha) and entering a new phase of my life. The twenties party, wow. It's going to be a crazy whirlwind of a decade, I know that for sure. But I'm also excited, because I hear that the twenties are the most exciting part of your life. The freest you'll ever be. Not that life is all about freedom, but it ain't a bad thing right?

20, won't be long now. I hope you'll welcome me with a big embrace, year twenty.

fading ideologies

This really got me thinking. It made me smile, because I realised I had also recently made a few changes in my life, changes that many have been pushing for. But my own stubbornness, or I suppose, ideology, has pushed them aside.

Starting Tuesday morning, I started to put on sunscreen. What?! What happened? I know... but hey, I think we both know I'd come around eventually. It actually happened over the weekend, and I upped and told mum on Sunday, so we went and got sunscreen, along with moisturisers (mine was running out) and a new cleanser (mum has a firm belief that the neutrogena one I've been using is making my skin break out). I decided that at nineteen, it's time I start looking after my own skin.

Another thing changed, too. After watching this video, I am now trying to sit straighter. It's painful, yes, especially with my sore back... but actually makes it less sore. And I feel more elevated, too. ;) More changes to come I'm sure, but it's nice to make these little ones... and being conscious of them too.

cancelling expectations

Ever heard of the whole "the world doesn't owe you a thing" mantra? As in, you gotta make it on your own, because no one owes you any favours in this world thing. Weeeelll, recently I had a realisation that by the very same token of that mantra, I also don't owe anyone anything.

Is that a bold statement? Perhaps.

Of course, we've got to be wary of the feelings of others. We've gotta be considerate and patient of those around us, for sure. But their feelings, or rather, the things that have formed their default feelings to certain situations, shouldn't dictate the way we act. I'm still in the process of working all this out myself, actually, so you could say this is a realisation in the workings, hah... but recently I've tried to do things which please myself, rather than those around me. Don't feel like checking my Facebook even if I know there are messages waiting for me? It's okay, don't check it. to name a simple example.

Life is really too short to do everything by others' books -- something I never thought I was actually doing -- but really, I was unconsciously doing it. Time to build a playbook of my own, I reckon.

give this a try

I know you're a bit of a 'cynic' when it comes to listening to korean songs... I remember playing one when I was in Vietnam and you were like, "you can't even understand the lyrics and yet you like it". Haha. But this one's got a nice tone to it, the guy's a storyteller... even if I don't know the words in his story.

emotionally slutty

I stumbled upon a new term today. It's one from sex and the city, of all places, and the quote goes: "I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty..."

Slut is a term that we usually coin for those who are promiscuous, whether through their dress or actions. But emotionally slutty... is something I can totally live with being in my vocabulary. It's true though, isn't it? Sometimes we reveal too much of our emotions, only to realise that we should've placed a thin veil over it before uncovering too deep into our inner selves.

the deep end

I'm at the library, about ten minutes to go before I make the jump for a careers session at 1pm. Tis my life right now... lectures, tutorials, career sessions (to kick off this 'career' of mine) and such. Amongst that is of course late night catch ups with the best friend amy and pius.

Amy and I got talking last night, and realised how particular relationships in our lives, friendships, are fading. It's not just happening to me, and her, but those around us too. I suppose the whole thing is cyclical, and unstoppable. As we grow older, we grow out of the relationships we forged nearly a decade ago, and so it goes. Of course, I hope mine and her stays for some time. I really treasure that girl, I do.

So it got me thinking about meaningful relationships. As in, I can count on one hand the meaningful relationships I have right now. Kung Kung, Popo, you, Amy and Pius. You five are the people I can really genuinely have good conversations with, and to me, that's all that matters, you know? Of course, it gets me thinking that perhaps I shouldn't spend so much time on the friendships that are rather superficial, hi-bye like. But then, I feel bad... but then again, I'm really not being fair on them if I keep this up, right?

Talked to mum about this meaningful relationships deal last night, and she just didn't get it. Said I was expecting too much out of my relationships, and went on to say things that didn't even coherently relate to what I was saying. I'm trying to build a bond with her, but times like this, it reminds me why I haven't in the past. A deep, meaningful relationship with my mother someday would be nice.

not desperado here

"You're not that desperate, are you?" is the few words that pricked me tonight. Only slightly, because it's not like I haven't heard the same thing about Pius before we went out.

Those words, of course, came from surprise surprise, mummy. Although Papa put it down much less harshly, the meaning was the same: Don't go out with guys that you're not interested in. Only go out in a group of friends, not one-on-one. Their views on boys are as though boys are vultures, out to get you. To an extent, I can see where they're coming from, but it's like I have to view every guy friend I make as a potential. If they're not potentials, don't make them into friends.

That logic, on me, unfortunately doesn't swim well. Imagine if they find out about "amy". Oh, now, I'm not even sure how to tell him. Papa even said today, "Once you're interested in dating a guy, you have to let us know. Because we have lived longer than you (yawns), so we can judge a person's character better." And he even added more 'liao' to his argument by including Kung Kung's apparently all-famous line, "Men and women can't coexist as friends, they can only coexist as lovers." Then used the priest from Stella Maris as an example, some affair of Ah Po's friend, and so on to illustrate his point.

Losing the argument here -- actually, correction -- no space for me to even make a contribution to the discussion. Because obviously I am inexperienced in this area, too naive, too young, to make logical conclusions of my own. It appears that the relationships I form, other than that of the same sex, need to go through the security scan of the folks. Now wouldn't that be lovely.

I'm never too far

Been a while since I shared a song with you, and I thought, tonight wasn't a bad time I do.

A part of the song that speaks to me is, "When I’m too far from home / Hold on and pull me in." It's a line that speaks, loud, because sometimes I feel I'm distant from home. Not in a badly drastic way, necessarily, just in ways that are just inevitable when I have to spread my time to parts of my life that pushes me to make progress. And that, is a good thing too, and it's awesome, super awesome, that I have all your support to do so.

Though my actual physical distance is inevitable, and some days perhaps I'm not as frequent with my replies on the social apps front, please know that my heart is always sitting close to all of you, with all of you. I think about you all everyday, and though this life I lead is, at the end of the day, "mine"... you are at root of it, the roots that made all good things in me possible.

making sense

Felt the urge to write you another one, so you're in for a treat today!

There's one thing I've learned recently, and it's the fact that we don't make sense to everyone. Oh, and more importantly, we don't have to make sense to every single person on this face of the earth. We are all different, with a conglomeration of distinct thoughts that may not match the person next to us.

The saddest thing, of course, is when our loved ones -- the ones who are meant to understand us the most -- think that we don't make sense at all. Most of the time, this happens not because we act out of character, because how can we when we act based on who we are (even the bad, negative, ugly sides that appear occasionally within ourselves is our character). It happens because our character falls out of their expectations of us. And definitely, it's what some have made me feel lately, directly or indirectly.

I try to distance myself from this, because I know that most of the time, I'm not obliged to make sense to these people. As long as I think I make sense, and I'm doing right by what I believe is right, then surely, I'm not doing it completely wrong right?

not the only one

I was about to turn off the laptop, but a voice in my head whispered loudly, "the blog..." So here I am writing you one. Aptly, three minutes after midnight, just in time for the break of a new day.

You just texted me, asking me how my second week's been... and among my responses, I wrote, 'settling in well'. When I wrote that, I meant more than getting used to the settings of the university, as you may or may not have gathered. Perhaps it does have something to do with a new setting, but lately I'm settling into myself much smoother, much swiftly than I ever have before.

What I mean by that, is that I know what I'm good and what I'm not good at. Settling well into myself, in response to this self-knowledge, is being comfortable with not forcing myself to the breaking point on things that I'm weak at. But knowing that those weaknesses lie, and allowing myself to gravitate towards them, one step at a time. I'm a work in progress -- I know people say that all the time that it almost becomes a cliché -- but at seven months short of 20, I really, really am a work in progress.

Then there are things that have slid into my character, or rather have been realised recently. Last night, for instance, Mum lost it at me over a small, small matter that wasn't even a matter in the first place. I didn't do anything, but she said I ruined her day. Caught me totally by surprise, her, but I let it slide and didn't get angry at all. I think it was partly because I was so surprised. Anyway, didn't really hold a drudge with her, despite her extreme behaviour. This morning I got a text from her apologising, which was nice. You know, after all these times, it's nice to get a "sorry". Like her outburst, I didn't expect an apology from her either. Perhaps I'm not the only who's changing, hey.

the thing about interaction

I met up with a couple of old friends today at the uni... the same ones I met up with last week, Khim and Sonia. To be honest, since last week, some parts of me weren't feeling quite great upon meeting them... because I realised how to a point, they had become bigger headed after their time here at Melbourne Uni. It was little things they said, like, "Welcome to the elites!" I know such a line was meant to make me feel elevated, but yet, I thought to myself, "Elites? What's that supposed to mean?" Because as much as I wanted to get in, I never considered myself to be elite once I became a Melbourne Uni student.

A day after meeting them, I met up with Amy... who told me the same thing about Elena, who had the same big headedness about being in Melbourne... to the point she repeatedly put Amy down for being in another university and not Melbourne. Reflecting on all this... it is not my intention to relish in the ways that my friends had changed, but just reflecting in hope that these changes won't take place within me. I told Papa and Mum to give me a nudge if it does.

I guess you could say it's something I feel strongly internally, but not on the external front. Met up with them again today, as they had wanted to meet up again... and it was good. Certainly a nice reminder why I'm friends with them... and also a reminder of our closeness/distance. I think that's the thing with friendship, with interaction... sometimes you just can't force it and let it roam as far as it goes. It might not be far at all, but maybe, just maybe, that's the right distance.

building oneself

I'm listening to Healing Piano by Yiruma as I type this... it's kind of funny, kind of whimsy, and wonderful how I start many of these posts with a note of what I'm listening to. It just goes to show how much music permeates our lives... and for the most part, for all the good reasons. Indeed, just like the name of the album suggests, music can heal.

Came across the photo on the right. It's a capture of the everyday - a cup of cappuccino accompanied with a crossword puzzle from The New York Times. Looks rather simple, doesn't it? But yet, on a closer reading, I don't find it so. Today, it's hard to reach some simplicity in life... the photo itself, is one taken of a leisure activity -- one in which the photographer has taken ownership in carving out time for. I realised, upon stumbling this, that this is the kind of life I wish to have.

One of solidarity, leisure time planned out, and time just to oneself. I hope to have one like such in the near future... understanding that it's not one that I can build one, right here right now. It takes time to make changes, and this time I will be the patient one.

ten percent or less

"Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn't the way they actually are." -John Green

This quote has been at the back of my mind recently as I go through the daily. Realising that I am, sometimes, at most, a fraud, or putting on a mask as you call it, I realise that perhaps what I see in people sometimes is only 10% of who they are. Most of the time, it's more than 10% of course. But you know, I could be witnessing them at their worst 10% that day, and I can't be all judgy based on that, right?

I was on the train yesterday, and there were these two boys chatting quite loudly just behind me. Not in the way that it was rude, but just loud enough that I couldn't ignore their conversation. They were talking about how loaded the children of David Beckham must be, and how some celebrities' marriages actually last so long... a lot about other people's lives. And true enough, celebrities are there, publicised, for us to critique and judge, but still, I couldn't help but think, 'perhaps you could focus on your lives more'. It wasn't in a mean way, but it just seemed a waste to spend your time thinking about others' lives.

They then went on to talk about the difference between Australian and Asian education... one of them had said that they were taught fractions by their dad at 7, and how he didn't even use it until Form 1... almost ridiculing the education here in a 'oh, I'm so smart way'. They made fun of kids who didn't know how to do fractions until Form 1, and so on and so on... for almost half the train ride. It bothered me, in a small way.

Of course, once I got off the train, the thought of their conversation was long gone... and perhaps, just perhaps, that conversation is only evidence of a small fraction of their personality. So I shouldn't judge their entire character based on forty minutes of conversation -- I certainly don't have the right -- but it reminds me how the words we put before others often have such an effect on people in the way they view us... even if those sentences we form are not completely, wholly in tune with our character.

being

Some thoughts are best left unthought,
while some words are best left unsaid.
Some parts of ourselves are best unrevealed,
while some parts of ourselves are best revealed.

Today, I want to be as I want to seem. I haven't been totally at my best recently, saying things that normally don't leave my mouth, being too open with people only to feel closed off. Life is like that... a decision between what to show and what to hide in our daily living. Perhaps that's called 'not being yourself', but if those parts of yourself lead you down to the same mistakable paths, perhaps it's time to slowly draw them out until they are no longer part of you.