but recently all I've been finding is rut. and oh how I hate rut. it's this sickly, ungrateful being that sticks around like a leech. it's amazing how we can find things that we aren't happy with so easily, and when we do, we just lament over it. I guess when you've been hurt one, two, three times, it starts to leech onto you. hurt, I believe is like a magnet. one hurt leads to the recollection of other hurts that you think you have put past you. and tonight, if I may, I'd like to lay it all out before I progress into the weekend.
mum has been quite hurtful recently. it's over jasmine, and this time I just let it go because I know I needed to. so I said to her, 'clearly you are more important to me than jasmine. so if you want, she won't come anymore.' the thing is, I feel quite bad about letting her go, because recently she shared with me that she's having much more interest and passion in music because of our weekly lessons. she'd share new adele pieces that she bought, and also even poems that she wrote (for me to check, and share my take on). certainly, I don't feel a friendship blossoming here, but there is something, something here. mum doesn't like her and doesn't want me to be around her, because her values are completely different from mum's. it just hurts, because in the first place, mum agreed to let me choose but all along she just wanted me to say no. and when I said yes, well, she just fumed, as if no was the only answer I had the option of giving. I feel like she's taking something away from me, and it hurts... and to some extent, I feel boxed in.
I feel boxed in, to the point where I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling anymore. like, it's not worth the effort. like what you said the other day, it's stale. who wants stale, right? with jasmine that night led to mum sounding her displeasure of my uncertainty over what I want to study. all along I had believed that I had her support, and then out came those words flying at me, the opposite of what she had been saying to me. it's hard to deal with hot and cold, support and rejection... I don't even know what I'm dealing with anymore.
and something that I think I've kept subconsciously in the back of my mind... but finally came to light today. I am also hurt, by my friends. I realised that I was the one making all the effort, writing texts and calling them up to check on them, ask them how they're going with everything. but apart from that, there is no correspondence from them. usually I'm not panged by this -- in fact, this stuff doesn't even occur to me unless mum brings it up... but I guess with all that's been going on, yeah, this was hard to swallow. and then there's stuff like, 'oh, maybe you should be glad that you're at monash because the course here in melbourne is so hard...' and I'd say, 'oh, but we're doing the same course?' and she'd reply, 'yes I know, but it's much harder at melbourne' which I know is meant to be assurance, but still, it pangs. as though I'm having a much easier time. but with some stuff you've just got to man up.
maaaan, I feel like I've written you a whole essay up there. if you made it this far, well done! seriously, you deserve a gold star. I just gotta let this out and go before it consumes me during the weekend. thanks for reading, I hope to inject more positivity in future posts xxx