lots have been on my mind lately and like today, I don't know where to begin. but I'll begin somewhere, I guess, and I hope by the end of this, I will reach a destination. ha. destinations... I guess that's where the problems begin in the first place. for the past few weeks I've been looking for that destination, to head that direction... because all of a sudden it seemed I was heading the wrong way -- people close to me certainly weren't afraid to let it show. hey, they would say, I'm always here for you and support you in all you do... but what you're doing right now sucks. it took me a long, long time to actually get that hint under all the pretence that my own mother was giving out.
and then all of a sudden, right there and then, I thought, what's wrong with the path I'm on right now? and the thing is, it was everything and nothing all at the same time. everything, because it may not lead me somewhere. nothing, because this is what I'm darn good at. and heck, I'm going to give what I'm good at a go, right? it made perfect sense to me, even though those around me made the path I'm on so wishy washy. and it hurt, man, it hurt. suddenly it became my fault that I didn't want to take science in school, suddenly I was made to feel like I'm wasting money doing arts, suddenly... it just took the life out of me and I was left dead in the confidence zone.
my confidence went way down and I no longer knew myself for a few days. but I let it sit with me because I knew, I just knew I needed to. so I held onto this person that I didn't know for a few days, maybe even let it stretch out for a week, because I think subconsciously, under all of it, I needed to know where this is who I want to be. and of course, it wasn't.