thoughts

Had so many of them today. I think, on the outside, I was having a good day, having done quite a bit and having a friend drop by just to drop off a belated christmas present (and if there was a contest for best christmas present, she would win it, belated or not haha). And in many ways, I guess, it felt amazing to receive a mailed letter along with the present and card--a reply from a letter that I wrote some months ago (same friend). It's thoughtful, it's small, delicate acts -- but they matter, so so much.

But I can feel the thoughts swarming over my head like flies on a hot day. You push them away, but they come back to you, nevertheless, just from a different direction but to the same destination. A dead end destination, where thoughts almost go on a ridiculous loop, repeating over and over again, nearly echoing the unassuming words "how am I going to face this?" followed by "there's just no actual way, I don't know" or "some things just don't change, can't change. We can't change the way we react."

I thought it was acceptance that I struggled with. That it was just acceptance. But I realise, now, that more than anything, I struggle with making peace with uncertainty. How does one even do that? I don't even see it as a struggle though... but just part of who we are as human beings. I have a bunch of scenarios built up in my head, and I know what they say, worries are problems that have not happened yet...

...but surely experience from the past advises us otherwise.