Words... are usually my refuge when it gets hard. Most of the time, I'm able to literate what I feel into words, or at least do half the justice my feelings deserve. But recently, it's been hard to put them in words, because I've grown so numb to these feelings, they no longer have weight. Kind of like when you're carrying three grocery bags in each hand, on your way to the car, and halfway through, they didn't feel as heavy as they did before. Or when you go out underclothed and it feels freezing at first, but two minutes into the walk, you're so frozen you no longer feel the cold. These, these are at least physical fragments of my daily life that I can make comparisons to in terms of where I'm at now, but even then, I feel like my words are misplaced, thrown around with no place to land.
You know, I set up mum and my room tonight and it's taken me a long time to decide which side of the bed I should sleep on. Should I sleep closer to the door? Or would it be safer to sleep on the side farthest away from the door, so that I'll feel a little safer, more protected should papa come in and argue with mum? But wouldn't it be better, if I slept closer to the door, so maybe he won't feel as agitated? But then, it'll be as though he's yelling at me, because I'd be closer to the door, to him.
Such are thoughts that cross my mind, and you may think it's insignificant, illogical, but to me, which side I choose matters. Halfway through, I thought, "I shouldn't have to worry about this." but I do.